Disclosing Body Memories In Therapy Help

[gone]

We're here too, @mytai, feeling much of what you're feeling, and feeling for you like no other people on earth. Can you contact your T in any way before Wednesday—text, email, phone?—let her know how bad it is right now? Even without going into details?

Something that helps me: Try breathing right into the pain, right into that part of the body, imagine your breath going into those painful places and flushing them free of pain. Powerful painkiller entering on the inhale, negative crap exiting on the exhale.

And please keep venting here, any which way you can, if you can, if it will help in any way. We are listening! We understand!

 

[mytai]

@Amne I can phone or email. I don't do so well on the phone, the whole vocalizing my feelings doesn't really work so well. I don't want to abuse the ability to email my T, I feel like I would be bothering her.

Breathing into it would require me to acknowledge that they are happening, which would mean acknowledging that even if I don't recognize the feelings, that they came from somewhere. And I'm scared that I will fall apart if I do. I just try to numb out or "check out".

I vent here sometimes in my trauma diary, and sometimes through threads like this. Thanks for the support.

 

[BloomInWinter]

What does falling apart mean to you?

I had to define what I thought the worst thing would mean. I realized it couldn't possibly mean what I thought it did growing up.

Keep venting. You're doing great!

 

[mytai]

@BloomInWinter Falling apart to me means completely losing control. Breaking down. Emotions I refuse to allow myself to feel right now coming up and spilling out. Not being able to keep up the outward facade that everything is ok. Losing everything I've worked so hard to create. Having someone realize the extent of the mess I am inside.

I have an email to my T written, essentially just copied and pasted my last trauma diary entry... too afraid to send it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

@mytai I totally get that.

So, let's say you did lose control. What would that look like to your therapist? Would that state of feeling last forever?

This is almost a mirror conversation to the conversation I had with both my therapists. I actually believed I would never stop crying, or the pain and anguish coming through would literally make me go crazy. I was terrified of experiencing those emotions and being left in them forever, a legacy of repeated abandonment as a child.

Therapists don't view emotions as signs of illness, but of signs of recovering. One of the signs that trauma is being processed well is that we have emotions appropriate to the situation, yet without reliving it as we remember it.

I finally had that 'breaking down' moment, and it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. My therapist was there for me. Even more importantly, I discovered that I have a survivor inside of me who is capable of facing that which I already lived through.

You've mentioned losing everything. Can you give more detail on that?

 

[gone]

I too hesitate to "bug" my T between sessions, but I really don't think they see it that way and will clarify if/when you overstep. It's just that when you're feeling as hopeless as you sounded it might be a good time to check in with her and let her know it's really bad. And ditto to @BloomInWinter -- though I haven't gotten to the letting go part yet either...

 

[mytai]

@BloomInWinter I don't know what it would look like to her... I might actually cry for the first time, but not be able to stop. I would get into the crying state where I'm crying so hard I hyperventilate and puke, or almost puke. I would most likely be on the floor or in a corner on the floor. The logical side of my brain says no it wouldn't last forever, but the side of my brain that is sitting in this right now says it could.

I'm at the point where I am terrified of experiencing those emotions, especially in front of my T. I think I'm so afraid to experience them in front of her because she is the first T I've connected with, and I scared that if she sees what is really happening inside of me then she will give up on me.

Losing everything... It's hard to explain. Losing the way people see me, people who aren't my T don't have any clue that something is wrong, that I'm falling apart inside. They see the "outgoing" me, the facade that I put on so no one sees the real me (not even sure I know who that is myself).

 

[mytai]

@Amne I meant to hit save draft on the email and hit sent instead :banghead::bag: This could go very bad.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Those fears are very understandable and unfortunately common for those who have experienced interpersonal trauma.

Even if you tried to keep crying forever, it is physically impossible. Plus, your therapist won't let you feel alone and will help you modulate your distress.

"Strong emotions cause our brains to release chemicals that indirectly lead to teary eyes. A flow of [DLMURL="http://scienceline.org/2006/10/23/ask-driscoll-tears/"]tears[/DLMURL]not only shoots up the level of endorphins, natural chemicals within the body, providing a sense of well-being and relieving stress, but also they release toxins — making us healthier..." Source: [DLMURL]http://scienceline.org/2007/04/ask-sergo-nocrying/[/DLMURL]

[DLMURL="http://scienceline.org/2007/04/ask-sergo-nocrying/Because"]Because[/DLMURL] I was also afraid of vomiting, my therapist always positions a garbage can next to me. Or she did for the first several months of EMDR, until I told her it wasn't necessary anymore. In the beginning, I was a mess and felt nauseous, but I didn't actually throw up. Once we got the emotions unlocked, the easier the tears come to the surface and provide me with a profound sense of a heavy weight lifting.

One of your therapist's tasks is to help you feel safe enough to cry. They won't let us hyperventilate, but if it becomes an issue they have a plan in place and are well-practiced in assisting hyperventilating people.

Displays of strong, raw emotional release is a sign of real progress towards healing. Therapists don't perceive it as a weakness or sign of sickness, but of health.

Our therapists don't have the self-defeating cognitive distortion that a "stiff upper lip" is a desired or healthy goal. Quite the opposite. That inner cognition of keeping a stoic exterior is an unhealthy message that we picked up somewhere, perhaps in our childhood.

But it's not accurate. There's no reward for continued suffering or "toughing it out" other than more suffering and loneliness.

 

[mytai]

@BloomInWinter I feel like my T has done a really good job at helping me feel safe in her office, making it a safe place, giving me tools to help myself feel safe while in her office. When I recently have come to the brink of crying something inside me just doesn't let me, all my fears rise up instantly that are from the past. That crying is not safe, it makes me too vulnerable, and that is dangerous.

My T is very good at reminding me of my breathing. She is always on top of it. Most of the time I'm not aware of what my breathing is like until she points it out. But when I'm crying hard I've gotten to points where I start hyperventilating while crying and no amount of reasoning with me stops it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I struggled with not being able to cry for a very long time. It finally happened for me and I'm glad now, but it sure wasn't fun.

Sounds like you have a good therapist. Comforting a person who is crying doesn't require reasoning, just empathy. Emotions aren't very reasonable anyway.

It'll happen for you sometime whenever you are ready in your own time. Definitely talk to your therapist about all these fears. There's likely nothing you can bring up that she hasn't dealt with many times already.

You might try talking to the child within you that is frightened to cry. Just having the adult in us using comforting statements to ourselves can help unstick many things in our psyche. For me, I kept telling myself "it's ok to cry, lil' Bloom…that was awful and frightening. But you're not alone now. I'm here with you. You are safe."

I really thought the self-talk was a bunch of BS most of my life. What a shame, since it is so effective for me.

You're doing a lot better than you think you are, I bet.

 

[mytai]

@BloomInWinter I would have to agree with you on the good T thing.

My T and I talked about my fears of crying and being vulnerable in front of her. She said I will need to make eye contact to reassure myself that she is a safe person, and to build trust. I don't disagree with her, I just find eye contact very threatening and sometimes eye contact itself will make me cry.

I don't know anything about the child in me, I think she's dead, gone, lost, something. I don't feel any child in me, I don't know if I want to. Maybe her being dead or gone is a good thing.