Disclosing Body Memories In Therapy Help

[mytai]

I had sent my T another email last night kind of pre-warning her that I wasn't handling telling her so well. That I was anxious and felt way too vulnerable by doing that. That I deal with that feeling one of two ways, by numbing out or freaking out (being a complete mess).

So I just got home from seeing my T, I'm still in kind of a fog right now. My T didn't jump right into things with me, she eased into it by asking about other things like my health, work, etc. Then she started to talk/ ask questions about what I sent her in an email about body memories. She was very quiet and gentle with me. I still started to freak out and get into panic mode, which she dealt with as it was happening. Reminding me of my breathing, helping me ground.

At one point I started having a body memory right while we were talking and she stopped and asked me if it was happening, I couldn't even nod yes. I felt frozen. My T didn't push, she just moved on. Thank goodness she has a sense of what I need because I sure don't. She asked me what she could do in that moment to help me, which I didn't know what would, so she asked if I didn't know to which I nodded. Ugh. I couldn't speak after we moved onto the body memory thing. It was like my vocal chords were frozen.

I had another body memory come on very strong, a lot stronger than has ever happened in her office before. I tried to make it stop, but it kept coming. The harder I tried to ignore it the stronger it got. I got to a point where I was totally out of it, I was trying to stop a flashback from starting. This is one body memory I recognized very well, I knew exactly what it was and what happened to cause that memory. I don't know if any of you have ever tried to stop a flashback from coming, but I tried and all it did to me was confuse the heck out of me.

I could feel the body memory, I felt like I was in a massive fog, I could still partially see my T's office (but more like looking through a tunnel), sometimes I could hear what my T was saying but then I would get really loud ringing in my ears and I couldn't hear her anymore, I've never experienced something like that.

I know at one point my T sat next to me, I felt my body start to shake, I know she was trying to say something to me but the ringing was so loud in my head that I could only hear a word or two. I felt her hand on my shoulder, I could feel her rocking my body slowly and normally that helps pull me out but today it was like I was in a totally different place then I usually go when I dissociate.

The pain from the body memory was so intense that I was on the verge of tears but then I could feel my T with her hand on my shoulder and it would pull me back a bit before the next wave of pain came. I couldn't see my T out of the corner of my eye because everything except what was directly in front of me was blacked out. At one point I saw my T's hand come into my line of sight, it was so close to my leg (I have a thing about people touching my legs) and I panicked, I heard her say that she wasn't going to hurt me that she was just going to touch my hand.

The more contact she had with me the more I could hear what she was saying, the more I came into the room, I could see more. I think at one point she asked what was happening to me right then. Still couldn't speak. I feel very disconnected right now, I feel very separated from the world and feelings at the moment. Not sure what is happening to me right now. All I know is I made it through the session with my T today, but I felt very different today then I ever have before.

Wish it wasn't so cold outside right now, I would go out for a walk to try and feeling "normal" again. But there is too much snow on the ground, and I'm still not fully better from having pneumonia. Think I will try to write my T an email to explain what was going on even though I don't really know myself. Might just copy and paste the majority of this.

 

[macca]

That was full on Mytai, and you made it. That might be the worst part over (I hope). Give yourself a break to curl into a ball for a few days if you need to and are able to. Doing anything that feels "normal" is a great idea, except for the walk - no more pneumonia for you! Copying and pasting this post for your t sounds like a good plan too. That was very courageous of you to be able to still go to session after disclosing to her. Hope you start feeling better soon.

 

[mytai]

@macca I hope it is the worst part that is over. I feel like I've just opened hell's gates though. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of her, those gates are open, everything feels like it is spilling out now, and I don't think I could close them if I wanted to. Although I don't think my T could have handled anything differently, I feel like she did what I needed at the time - even if I don't know what I needed. I feel like my T is very in tune with what will and won't work with me.

No time to curl into a ball. I kept myself busy this afternoon. I decided that I really needed to walk, so I drove to a mall nearby and walked around there for a while. Just got home actually. Tomorrow I'm sitting through a 4 - 4.5 hour tattoo I've been waiting a long time to get. I did copy and paste what I wrote and emailed it to my T.

Honestly I didn't feel very courageous still going to see my T today. I was a nervous mess, I think she noticed that. I told her in the email that I would try to tell her next week what the memory was that was tied to the body memory. I don't know if that will help or hurt me, I guess we will see on Wednesday.

 

[macca]

@mytai you did so well. It takes bravery to follow through despite fear. I'm glad your T knows what you needed, even though you didn't. That was clever about your walk - never even crossed my mind! The tattoo should be nice and distracting too! :)

I know when I disclosed my "big" trauma to my therapist, I had panic attacks and flashbacks, hyperarousal etc to crazy levels, and it was mental. We haven't focussed on that in treatment so much, I think she's going easy with me (working on little traumas, which is bad enough for now), so I guess it might erupt again when we do, but I kind of feel like it "pulled the plug" on something, that let some of that intense energy in there start to escape instead of being locked up inside me - kind of like letting it go or something, if that makes any sense at all. Maybe this "spilling out" that you're having, is the big, initial gush, the first outlet for all the muck buried deep in there, and maybe, just maybe, it's a beginning of healing. This is gross, but I'm thinking of it like lancing a boil or something, the first burst of pus is disgusting and disturbing, but there's a way for it to get out now. :yuck: If that makes any sense at all :wacky:

You have inspired me to face my fear, and tell my T about my body memories too. I feel terrified to tell her, but I think keeping it inside is only doing me damage, and I've been trying to bury it for decades, and that hasn't helped. Terrifying as it is, I think I want the rubbish out.

Go mytai, go mytai, go mytai < Mytai cheer squad!!

 

[gone]

@mytai — I am in awe of your courage. Seems to be it's leading you right towards healing. Thanks for sharing your journey, I'm filing it in my mind as a kind of road map for what I suspect lies ahead for me.

 

[mytai]

@macca I'm questioning why I'm subjecting myself to that long of a tattoo (the sketch is posted in my trauma diary by the way), a small portion of the reason might be for the pain.

I haven't really disclosed a whole lot with my T in regards to traumas. She knows that I don't remember anything from my childhood except scattered memories, that's why I initially started seeing her - was to uncover that stuff. She knows the Coles Notes version of recent trauma that was happening while I was starting to see her. I feel like we might have poked a "breathing" hole in the boil you are referring to, I feel like there is a crap ton of stuff right under the surface and it makes me very nervous and anxious.

Congrats about deciding to tell your T about your body memories. You can do it. Thanks for the cheering squad.

@Amne I don't know if I would call it courage.

I'm considering bringing my journal that has that memory written down in it to the session on Wednesday in case I can't say it verbally. My back up plan I guess.

 

[gone]

@mytai I guess I mean courage as acting in spite of your fear, not because you don't have any. The latter is easy. Anyway, hope the written memory plan works for you. Your T sounds pretty wonderful and a safe match for your tough work.

 

[mytai]

@Amne My T is pretty wonderful. Took a long time to find someone like her. I've been in therapy on and off for 10 years and she is the first T I have connected with on this level. She feels like a good match for me.

 

[mytai]

Weird, not sure if it is related, but it seems like since I got my tattoo yesterday my body memories have backed off. Haven't had one since yesterday afternoon. I'm relishing in the break from them. They have been pretty constant and steady since I disclosed it with my T.

Probably the first time I have felt relaxed in a few weeks. Also debating when to start taking the new anti depressants. I had to wait until I was off of the antibiotics for the pneumonia and kidney infection. Now that I'm off it I'm thinking about starting tomorrow, just not looking forward to the adjustment period where I feel crummy. Hoping since I'm not on such a hard anti depressant this time that it won't be as bad.

 

[zaniara]

Is there any chance you can start off at a very low dose? Just a half dose or so for a few days before increasing the dose?

 

[mytai]

@zaniara This dose is very low compared to when I was on Cipralex. The psychiatrist that put me on Cipralex started me off at what most peoples ending dose is, then upped it after 2 weeks. The withdrawal was worse than the side effects of going on it though, plus it was incredibly expensive when I lost my insurance coverage so I had to stop cold turkey. The new medication I'm going onto is a generic version of a sister drug to Cipralex, can't remember what it is called, and it is a low dose.

 

[mytai]

The body memories are back. My break didn't last long. Not in a good place. Feeling very hopeless today. Very tired of fighting. Not seeing when this will ever end. Just trying my hardest to make it to Wednesday with my T. No support except for her.