Disordered Relationship Tornado

[Monochromed]

My fiancee has Borderline Personality Disorder (Which I didn't believe till 4 months later) and I have PTSD. The last few month have been havoc. I learned to understand my disorder and know when it triggers. For her, it was just denial to the extreme, drug abuse, yelling, screaming, daggers, accusing me of seeing other girls and picking on me just to start fights. I have seen this "Cycle" should I say, 6 times in each month. With drugs the cycle is worsened and the withdraw stages are insanely child-like Hello kitty pink little girl fantasy with shop-a-holicism. I've tried so hard to get her to see what she is doing and being the savor and the meat shield that I'm tired and exhausted. I received a call FINALLY from her wanting to move forward and forget the past and what she done with apologies to me but, now its NEW trauma. I have forgiven her but my mind hasn't. I cant talk to her the same, look at her the same and it makes me sad that I feel completely disconnected to the one I choose to Love.

Watching someone that still lives at home, spend all her money instantly and changes mood by the snap of fingers was never seen in the first 4 months of our relationship. She is now sober and we are going to pre-marriage counseling but I cant let go of what she done to my heart.

I just feel that I'm gonna isolate and be distant from her and that will trigger more outbursts and reactions in her. I admit to yelling back, but never called her a name or abuse her in anyway. I consider the anger and yelling on my part, frustration, exhaustion and pain.


How do I let it go so we can move on? What was different in the beginning of the relationship that she showed no signs? How to we get that back?

-MonoChromed

 

[anthony]

That is a tough call, and the answer is not simple. You can't get back anything, because if she has BPD then she has it for life. The difference is whether she can find a medication that works for her, OR, a therapy such as DBT to help herself regulate more proficiently by keeping symptoms in balance and controlled as much as possible.

BPD has a sliding scale like most disorders, in that it can cause absolute chaos one moment, then nothing the next. You can't go back, and that is something you have to stop thinking and forget about. As for the first few month, chances are it was due to the honeymoon effect, that new relationship high that everyone goes through to some degree... then reality sets in of an actual relationship. That honeymoon period may have allowed her to regulate better, now not so much. It could be something changed in her life... it could be just BPD decided to show itself for a while.

Either way... if you continue with her, you have to accept that you also continue with her BPD, because it isn't going anywhere. This is her personality now, as negative and psychotic as it can be, she has BPD due most likely to a whole lot of childhood / adolescent trauma which has shaped her personality forever.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What was different? You were in the honeymoon period and no, that is NEVER coming back. Its the great part of a relationship where even their farts smell like roses and they can do no wrong. Its the part of the relationship where everything is lovey-dovey before reality sets in. True compatibility is NEVER determined during that phase of the relationship because you're so enamored with someone that the bad things just flit on by, right under your radar. Now that reality has set in, you'll have to figure out if she really is someone you want to be with in the long haul. Is she in treatment? (If not, run away NOW.....marriage counseling doesn't count as treatment for BPD.)

Now, I am not saying you can't get to a better place in your relationship, because you can. Rather, I am saying that you can't recapture the honeymoon period exactly as it was, simply because now you know too much.