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First and foremost I apologise profusely for the lengthy account...I'm a long-time "lurker" and this is my first attempt at a post, so I apologise if I'm not doing this right!
Background: I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past 2.5 years, during which time we've cohabited for 2 years (first relationship in which I've even entertained the notion). I have had a few serious relationships prior (1-3 years in length) throughout university, but while I was certainly in love I in no way felt as strongly as I do in this relationship. I come from a highly dysfunctional family and as a result of childhood abuse have enduring c-PTSD, which admittedly makes me a tad sensitive and I have serious attachment issues (I struggle with forming meaningful relationships, or at the very least have trouble showing my affection to just about everyone except my boyfriend) for which I have been getting professional help for the past few years. While my symptoms were originally quite severe (e.g. I couldn't endure human touch because it felt like I was burning), cognitive behavioural therapy has done wonders for me over the years and I'm finally becoming the person I want to be. My boyfriend admittedly deals with a lot as far as my wacky brain is concerned (e.g. night terrors, flashbacks, crying episodes, etc.), which worries me as I know that it is a lot for anyone to reasonably handle. We address all decisions (financial, etc. - we're saving for our down-payment) together like a functioning, happily married couple, and both thrive on each other's company (in fact we drive to have lunch with each other every day during the work week).
Recently it was discovered that I have epilepsy, and for awhile it looked like I might have a rare, severe form that would inevitably see my brain activity deteriorate until I couldn't function, well before I turned 30. After a worrisome 2 months, we've finally concluded that I don't have that type (in fact, I have a pretty mild diagnosis) but those two months got me thinking an awful lot about what I would want out of my life before I died, and I concluded that more than anything I would love to marry my boyfriend (even if it was only for a very short while). To clarify, I have felt this way for a very long time...since about 6 months into our relationship (surprising not only on account of the short time frame, but also my general lack of anxiety about the matter, considering my attachment issues)...he's the only person in my life who I've ever trusted wholeheartedly and the best friend I've ever had (he's seen me at my best, and definitely at my very worst, and his support has been unwavering). He has been family to me, and I suppose what I want more than anything is for that to be official (I don't care about the religious component and I want to elope to avoid 99.9% of the wedding expenses) - and on some level I like the permanency of it (I want to formally/legally commit myself to him for the rest of my life).
In the recent past (after ~2 years) I found I couldn't hold it in any longer, and tried to let him know how I felt via statements to the effect of "I want to marry you someday", and "you're the love of my life". Unfortunately, a few months in he expressed that he didn't feel comfortable with those statements, despite the fact that we both openly talk about getting married and that he tells me that he sees me in all his future plans (hence, I didn't feel that my statements were pressuring him). Suffice to say, I was absolutely devastated, though I highly doubt he knows how much it hurt me.
There was also a matter of a missing ring; right before my birthday, one of my favourite rings went missing and (same day) I found on my Ipad search history "how to forge your own wedding band"...suffice to say, I rejoiced (prematurely), found my ring in my jacket pocket, and months later when I questioned him about the search history he said "I was just interested in how one would do that". I won't lie...after spending days imagining exactly how I would accept his proposal, I was feeling pretty crummy again (but didn't let him know for fear of pressuring him).
This brings us to today: I'm browsing a reddit thread about the moment people "knew" they had found their life partner (simply because I was thinking about the very moment I "knew"), and it got me thinking. I told him about my thought processes over those dreadful 2 months, and about how much I worried about not getting to marry him before I died, and asked him if the diagnosis had been what we thought it was if he would have considered marrying me before I died. His answer was "I would have for sure stayed with you..." but not married me. Again, I am absolutely devastated - so I come to you for insight (knowing full well that I'm highly sensitive and am likely overreacting).
Is he just "not that into me" (am I just not "the one")? Am I romanticizing how someone should feel about a life partner (e.g. somewhat like myself, just itching to commit to them for the rest of your life)? Is it unrealistic for me to expect him to feel as strongly about me, given my c-PTSD-related issues (I know I'm messed up, and struggle with feeling like "damaged goods", but I do think that I'm a good person and worthy of being loved like a partner someday...)? Does he worry about my ability to be a strong partner and (potentially someday) mother, what with my issues? Am I just pressuring him? Are we in different places in our relationship? Heck, am I just plain crazy? All insights are appreciated!
Thanks so much in advance!
Background: I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past 2.5 years, during which time we've cohabited for 2 years (first relationship in which I've even entertained the notion). I have had a few serious relationships prior (1-3 years in length) throughout university, but while I was certainly in love I in no way felt as strongly as I do in this relationship. I come from a highly dysfunctional family and as a result of childhood abuse have enduring c-PTSD, which admittedly makes me a tad sensitive and I have serious attachment issues (I struggle with forming meaningful relationships, or at the very least have trouble showing my affection to just about everyone except my boyfriend) for which I have been getting professional help for the past few years. While my symptoms were originally quite severe (e.g. I couldn't endure human touch because it felt like I was burning), cognitive behavioural therapy has done wonders for me over the years and I'm finally becoming the person I want to be. My boyfriend admittedly deals with a lot as far as my wacky brain is concerned (e.g. night terrors, flashbacks, crying episodes, etc.), which worries me as I know that it is a lot for anyone to reasonably handle. We address all decisions (financial, etc. - we're saving for our down-payment) together like a functioning, happily married couple, and both thrive on each other's company (in fact we drive to have lunch with each other every day during the work week).
Recently it was discovered that I have epilepsy, and for awhile it looked like I might have a rare, severe form that would inevitably see my brain activity deteriorate until I couldn't function, well before I turned 30. After a worrisome 2 months, we've finally concluded that I don't have that type (in fact, I have a pretty mild diagnosis) but those two months got me thinking an awful lot about what I would want out of my life before I died, and I concluded that more than anything I would love to marry my boyfriend (even if it was only for a very short while). To clarify, I have felt this way for a very long time...since about 6 months into our relationship (surprising not only on account of the short time frame, but also my general lack of anxiety about the matter, considering my attachment issues)...he's the only person in my life who I've ever trusted wholeheartedly and the best friend I've ever had (he's seen me at my best, and definitely at my very worst, and his support has been unwavering). He has been family to me, and I suppose what I want more than anything is for that to be official (I don't care about the religious component and I want to elope to avoid 99.9% of the wedding expenses) - and on some level I like the permanency of it (I want to formally/legally commit myself to him for the rest of my life).
In the recent past (after ~2 years) I found I couldn't hold it in any longer, and tried to let him know how I felt via statements to the effect of "I want to marry you someday", and "you're the love of my life". Unfortunately, a few months in he expressed that he didn't feel comfortable with those statements, despite the fact that we both openly talk about getting married and that he tells me that he sees me in all his future plans (hence, I didn't feel that my statements were pressuring him). Suffice to say, I was absolutely devastated, though I highly doubt he knows how much it hurt me.
There was also a matter of a missing ring; right before my birthday, one of my favourite rings went missing and (same day) I found on my Ipad search history "how to forge your own wedding band"...suffice to say, I rejoiced (prematurely), found my ring in my jacket pocket, and months later when I questioned him about the search history he said "I was just interested in how one would do that". I won't lie...after spending days imagining exactly how I would accept his proposal, I was feeling pretty crummy again (but didn't let him know for fear of pressuring him).
This brings us to today: I'm browsing a reddit thread about the moment people "knew" they had found their life partner (simply because I was thinking about the very moment I "knew"), and it got me thinking. I told him about my thought processes over those dreadful 2 months, and about how much I worried about not getting to marry him before I died, and asked him if the diagnosis had been what we thought it was if he would have considered marrying me before I died. His answer was "I would have for sure stayed with you..." but not married me. Again, I am absolutely devastated - so I come to you for insight (knowing full well that I'm highly sensitive and am likely overreacting).
Is he just "not that into me" (am I just not "the one")? Am I romanticizing how someone should feel about a life partner (e.g. somewhat like myself, just itching to commit to them for the rest of your life)? Is it unrealistic for me to expect him to feel as strongly about me, given my c-PTSD-related issues (I know I'm messed up, and struggle with feeling like "damaged goods", but I do think that I'm a good person and worthy of being loved like a partner someday...)? Does he worry about my ability to be a strong partner and (potentially someday) mother, what with my issues? Am I just pressuring him? Are we in different places in our relationship? Heck, am I just plain crazy? All insights are appreciated!
Thanks so much in advance!
