I'm a 31 year old male from the UK and I recently described the events of the last 3 years to my friend, and how I felt. He replied and told me that it sounded like I had PTSD.
I'm not sure how in depth to go but near the start of 2016 I made an investment with a guy I knew from Holland (I had met him a couple of times but had spoken to him online most days for years so I felt I knew him pretty well.) and went to stay with him while we worked on this project. The investment failed a couple of months in and I was stuck at his place with no money to move out. During that time, I got to know who he really was. Prior to moving there he owed me tens of thousands but I always believed him when he said “Oh, this is what happened” when I asked about my money, and genuinely believed he was a nice guy. I saw him use people, steal and manipulate people with no remorse or guilt. A true psychopath. Once I ran out of money I was at his mercy and he treated me like a slave under threat of kicking me out onto the streets. Every day he would scream at me, tell me how pathetic I was at whatever it was I tried to do. Tell me how lucky I was and how grateful I should be that he was 'looking after me'. He would never call me by my name, only 'freak'. He would try to turn me against my friends, my girlfriend by saying negative things about them. The little money we did have would go on cigarettes for him and I'd be able to get a small amount of food with the money he didn't spend. Over the time I lost around 4 stone. By the start of 2017 I weighed 11 stone at 6'4”. I absolutely hated him, but I was also scared of him and felt trapped in this prison and I couldn't say anything back to him as I had nowhere to go (I could have gone to my girlfriends parents, but I didn't want to burden them or her and would rather suffer than that). I would have to work 12 hours a day every day. I didn't know anyone else but him there, no friends, nothing. When I said I was tired he'd get angry and say I was a lazy ungrateful piece of shit and that I should do 1 more hour or whatever. I could go on and on but that's the gist of what happened while I was over there.
Prior to going over there I wouldn't say I was happy but I was self-confident, I was in love, I was a very positive person who loved helping others and making others happy above all else, I was extremely kind and generous which is what led to the guy I stayed with (among others) owing me so much money. I was very playful – just like a big kid. I loved playing hide and seek and asking silly questions. I had lots of friends and nothing made me happier than seeing my friends or loved ones smile. I never really had any bad blood or hostile interactions with anyone. I hated that sort of thing, I just wanted to please people so when people were angry at me, which was rare, I used to get so upset.
My girlfriend at the time knew (not the full extent of as I didn't like to burden her/make her sad) I was unhappy and eventually after much persuading got me to move back home with her. On my journey back I had this sense of deja-vu and I realised I felt just like I did when I was 18 and first moved away from home. I felt jumpy, unsure, worried...nothing like I did prior to when I left to go to Holland.
Over the year and a half since I came back home to now, I felt so worthless. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be in a relationship. I felt like I wasn't being good enough to my friends and that I was burdening/bringing down my girlfriend. I was always on the verge of crying and little things would set me off. My libido was crushed, prior to Holland I was always very sexual, every day. Afterwards it would sometimes be as rare as once a month that I felt the urge. I was so negative, towards, my self, towards people, towards everything. I rarely wanted to do anything. I hated myself and my life and felt suicidal all the time, but I felt trapped because I didn't want to hurt people. My childlike playful side went and I became very reclusive. My girlfriend at the time sometimes would shout at me I would have the same feelings of anxiety towards her that I had around the person in Holland. It would put me into a shell around her, almost as though I was associating my feelings towards that guy with her. She would say to me that I was “there, but not really there, your eyes are blank.” and I felt like that, like I was a zombie in a constant dream like state where I found it very difficult to think rationally. I just felt so numb and would either be really sad and want my life to end, or I would be in a state where it was almost as though I hid from my emotions, like my body was there but my mind wasn't...it was just shut down so as not to get hurt or feel sad I guess. She would tell me to go the doctor but it just didn't sink in, I thought it was just depression and that going to the doctor wouldn't help. Like my mind was moving as though it was similar to trying to walk through water, and it would always go back to irrational negative thoughts. My memory was completely shot, I would struggle to remember little things, not just recently, but things that happened in the past couple of years, during Holland and even before. Like I was in constant flight or flight mode and what happened went through my short term memory but rarely stuck into my long term memory, and even the memories that did stick in my long term memory – it was difficult to access them. I've recently had a lot of time to think and it was like waking up from a long dream where I was never fully conscious. I didn't remember so many things that have since come back to me (though I'm sure there are lots more) I realised what had happened to me, and how it made me act and it was as though I could barely remember the person I was before I left for Holland, and that who I had been for the last two and a half years was someone else. I always thought during that time that I was just depressed because of my money situation but after talking, and after so many memories came flooding back I realised that the cause was very likely not depression, but a result of the traumatic experience I had in Holland. Once I realised the full extent of who this person was and what he had done (likely deliberately in order to destroy my self-esteem to make it easier to control me) I couldn't believe how I had acted and changed since then and I felt/feel so guilty.
I was wondering whether this seems like PTSD or something similar? I almost feel as though something like being emotionally abused (as an adult) is too minor a thing to get PTSD or similar symptoms from when compared to what other people go through when they get it. I can answer questions more specifically if more detail is needed but it's already so long and I've tried to keep it brief. Also, if it is PTSD and I go to the doctor and get diagnosed....would this affect job opportunities in the future? Any replies would be greatly appreciated.
I'm not sure how in depth to go but near the start of 2016 I made an investment with a guy I knew from Holland (I had met him a couple of times but had spoken to him online most days for years so I felt I knew him pretty well.) and went to stay with him while we worked on this project. The investment failed a couple of months in and I was stuck at his place with no money to move out. During that time, I got to know who he really was. Prior to moving there he owed me tens of thousands but I always believed him when he said “Oh, this is what happened” when I asked about my money, and genuinely believed he was a nice guy. I saw him use people, steal and manipulate people with no remorse or guilt. A true psychopath. Once I ran out of money I was at his mercy and he treated me like a slave under threat of kicking me out onto the streets. Every day he would scream at me, tell me how pathetic I was at whatever it was I tried to do. Tell me how lucky I was and how grateful I should be that he was 'looking after me'. He would never call me by my name, only 'freak'. He would try to turn me against my friends, my girlfriend by saying negative things about them. The little money we did have would go on cigarettes for him and I'd be able to get a small amount of food with the money he didn't spend. Over the time I lost around 4 stone. By the start of 2017 I weighed 11 stone at 6'4”. I absolutely hated him, but I was also scared of him and felt trapped in this prison and I couldn't say anything back to him as I had nowhere to go (I could have gone to my girlfriends parents, but I didn't want to burden them or her and would rather suffer than that). I would have to work 12 hours a day every day. I didn't know anyone else but him there, no friends, nothing. When I said I was tired he'd get angry and say I was a lazy ungrateful piece of shit and that I should do 1 more hour or whatever. I could go on and on but that's the gist of what happened while I was over there.
Prior to going over there I wouldn't say I was happy but I was self-confident, I was in love, I was a very positive person who loved helping others and making others happy above all else, I was extremely kind and generous which is what led to the guy I stayed with (among others) owing me so much money. I was very playful – just like a big kid. I loved playing hide and seek and asking silly questions. I had lots of friends and nothing made me happier than seeing my friends or loved ones smile. I never really had any bad blood or hostile interactions with anyone. I hated that sort of thing, I just wanted to please people so when people were angry at me, which was rare, I used to get so upset.
My girlfriend at the time knew (not the full extent of as I didn't like to burden her/make her sad) I was unhappy and eventually after much persuading got me to move back home with her. On my journey back I had this sense of deja-vu and I realised I felt just like I did when I was 18 and first moved away from home. I felt jumpy, unsure, worried...nothing like I did prior to when I left to go to Holland.
Over the year and a half since I came back home to now, I felt so worthless. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be in a relationship. I felt like I wasn't being good enough to my friends and that I was burdening/bringing down my girlfriend. I was always on the verge of crying and little things would set me off. My libido was crushed, prior to Holland I was always very sexual, every day. Afterwards it would sometimes be as rare as once a month that I felt the urge. I was so negative, towards, my self, towards people, towards everything. I rarely wanted to do anything. I hated myself and my life and felt suicidal all the time, but I felt trapped because I didn't want to hurt people. My childlike playful side went and I became very reclusive. My girlfriend at the time sometimes would shout at me I would have the same feelings of anxiety towards her that I had around the person in Holland. It would put me into a shell around her, almost as though I was associating my feelings towards that guy with her. She would say to me that I was “there, but not really there, your eyes are blank.” and I felt like that, like I was a zombie in a constant dream like state where I found it very difficult to think rationally. I just felt so numb and would either be really sad and want my life to end, or I would be in a state where it was almost as though I hid from my emotions, like my body was there but my mind wasn't...it was just shut down so as not to get hurt or feel sad I guess. She would tell me to go the doctor but it just didn't sink in, I thought it was just depression and that going to the doctor wouldn't help. Like my mind was moving as though it was similar to trying to walk through water, and it would always go back to irrational negative thoughts. My memory was completely shot, I would struggle to remember little things, not just recently, but things that happened in the past couple of years, during Holland and even before. Like I was in constant flight or flight mode and what happened went through my short term memory but rarely stuck into my long term memory, and even the memories that did stick in my long term memory – it was difficult to access them. I've recently had a lot of time to think and it was like waking up from a long dream where I was never fully conscious. I didn't remember so many things that have since come back to me (though I'm sure there are lots more) I realised what had happened to me, and how it made me act and it was as though I could barely remember the person I was before I left for Holland, and that who I had been for the last two and a half years was someone else. I always thought during that time that I was just depressed because of my money situation but after talking, and after so many memories came flooding back I realised that the cause was very likely not depression, but a result of the traumatic experience I had in Holland. Once I realised the full extent of who this person was and what he had done (likely deliberately in order to destroy my self-esteem to make it easier to control me) I couldn't believe how I had acted and changed since then and I felt/feel so guilty.
I was wondering whether this seems like PTSD or something similar? I almost feel as though something like being emotionally abused (as an adult) is too minor a thing to get PTSD or similar symptoms from when compared to what other people go through when they get it. I can answer questions more specifically if more detail is needed but it's already so long and I've tried to keep it brief. Also, if it is PTSD and I go to the doctor and get diagnosed....would this affect job opportunities in the future? Any replies would be greatly appreciated.
