Do I Want To Stay?

[karamellow]

How do I know if it's me and my PTSD or him? I feel like I loathe him. When he touches me my skin crawls. I dread climbing into bed next to him. I feel like I can't trust him. I can't be vulnerable. I am afraid that he is going to do something to hurt my son when I am not around. He is lazy. Unintelligent. Fat. Lies. Controlling. Deceitful. I have left him several times...but I always take him back. I don't know why. He is the only person that I haven't been able to fully detach from, even though I really want to. He tells me I am mentally ill. Diseased. Sick......I feel sick when I am with him. I don't know it's me and I have made him this way. Why can't I just leave?

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Sounds unhealthy for all concerned. Confused about leaving, and taking him back. Who would leave?

The negativity level is toxic. Are you seeking Therapy help to process these ugly feelings? If you are afraid for your son you need to get this sorted. Not soon, now.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sweetie, I had one of those! I'm telling you that you deserve better. I'm telling you that leaving him is perfectly justified. (I am quoting @FridayJones when I say you need no reason what so ever to leave someone!)

I think you're not trusting your internal body systems which are telling you that this is bad!

And so what if it IS the PTSD that is making your skin crawl when he touches you? Why even be in a relationship when the guy makes your skin crawl, regardless of the reason?

Sorry, I need to step away now. This hits too close to home.

 

[karamello]

Sounds unhealthy for all concerned. Confused about leaving, and taking him back. Who would leave?...

It's very unhealthy. He seems good with my son. But I feel like I constantly have to jump in because I feel he is too harsh with him. My son was sexually abused by an unknown person a few years ago and we have been dealing with the process of healing in a traumatized child ever since which is very stressful. I feel like he resents my son and he will say things about or to my son when he is angry. We are taking parenting classes, and up until we lost our insurance last month due to him getting injured and losing his job we were doing marriage counseling and he was taking meds. I am still taking meds but reduced dosage to conserve until I can get insurance again. I am having such a hard time seeing whether it's me making him this person or if it's him making me this person. I have never felt so contemptible toward anyone. But I have also never been in a serious relationship prior to this one........

 

[Sideways]

This may not resonate at all, but maybe you're staying with him because he tells you all these things..?

My preferred method of self-harm is seeking out sexual sadists. It's reassuring & familiar - the self-loathing part of my brain finds it addictive, because they reinforce what I believe about myself.

Or maybe I'm just weird...

 

[karamellow]

that makes sense @EveHarrington thank you for saying that. It's just so hard to believe that anyone could ever love or understand me and my son and everything we've been through and all the baggage we carry. Leaving him means losing the only father figure my son has ever known, and facing all of these demons on my own. I just feel like when he says he wants to change I try so hard to believe him because it feels like he is all I have. (No family) he has had a traumatic upbringing as well and I over sympathize thinking he will change.and when his behaviors begin to surface again, I hate him all over again.
@Ragdoll Circus i am definitely comfortable in dysfunction. It is all I have ever known. And I hate that I am, which is why I find myself wondering how much of the problem I am creating or exacerbating....

*oops didn't realize I wasn't logged in on my last reply