Poll Do You Ever Get Upset At How Quickly You Were Forced To Adapt To Your Ptsd Self?

[mamachick]

I had a very difficult time adapting. After a traumatizing incident I was in ER 3 times in a week for injuries. I was a big hot mess. Told drs I was confusing all the meds they were giving me. I was given 2 different pain narcotics, xanax, muscle relaxers, and already took prescription 800 mg IB Profin. There were at least 3 big white pills. I would awake in panic and take more xanax. I feel like I was catapolted into another world where nothing made sense. Like a zombie, I accepted an invite to a neighbors for christmas eve where I drank on top of this. I remember very little than panic. I would wake up with xanax spilled all over my floor and bed. I was not adjusting well at all. This continued for nearly 2 weeks until I did not wake up one day and my daughter found me. She took me to the hospital and I could not really walk, was semi coherent, and hospitalized. I remember professionals asking things and seemingly not understanding my reaction, such as when did you eat last?why?. I was very agitated and I wondered what was wrong with the world as my world ceased to exist. Yes I was agitated.

 

[Abstract]

I'm not sure I have my thick head around the question either to be honest

You are not alone MD and I am relieved not to be the only one as was feeling a little nuts.

 

[Abstract]

Actually think I still have not understood this at all.

This is me: float along and in a totally unconscious state of self destruction in many forms with no awareness of why or the ability to ask. No resentment and no thought of symptoms and just one minute after the other. For example: flashback, next step, no awareness or thought....

Eventually, budding awareness but still huge denial but continued going from one minute to the next. Lots of work throughout with dealing with small steps once aware despite no larger self awareness. General very determined movement once engaged and no resentment of that as one step after the next.

None of it happened to me and I am not real most of the time so nothing to adapt to. Growth and change throughout my life and I don't see any beginning or end and usually can't see it in terms of trauma as I live in Denial land. Think of all life as growth and/or change for everyone regardless of experiences so can't separate mine.

That probably makes zero sense. What answer would I give from that? It seems one first has to have adapted to answer (unsure what adapted would look like) and then it is if one resents the adaptation (that has happened) or not. ? I am sorry to be so dumb.

 

[ashdawn8287]

You're not dumb.

It sounds like you live in dissociation. Try grounding yourself to the present. The more coping skills you develop the more you overcome it.

I'm not sure what it is you are exactly saying or what you want to work on next? Start small. Baby steps.

 

[Changing4Best]

I've faced the fact that I have never really been able to hold a job for more than a few months. Sometimes I'd like to work, but who wants an employee that goes off the deep end every so often and is useless when she does? So, I'm on Disability Benefits.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

I do get angry sometimes. It has been a long long haul full of sadness and self esteem issues, of being jealous of others just because they can smile so easily. I smile and laugh now, and things have gotten much better, possibly because I was driven to make them so because of the PTSD. Does that make sense?

 

[Britt.f7]

I don't remember any other me.

 

[Chincho]

I was 6 or 7 when my trauma happened, so I don't remember another me. I do wonder what I would have been like if nothing had happened to me.

 

[Wildflower77]

This has been a huge reason for my sadness over the last two weeks. For the first time ever I realised that the fun, independant 17 1/2 year old women who had just left home and was starting her life was never coming back - bawled my eyes out. Not to say that I won't/can't turn into a version of that women, it's just sad to really realise for the first time she's gone.

 

[Lionheart]

I had to vote 'no' as there isn't a "pre-trauma self" that I can remember, due to abuse starting at a very young age. There is nothing for me to compare myself to, except those who were not abused as children, and I can't adequately begin to fathom what that would be like.

There is no reference point...I try to imagine a "normal childhood" but I just cannot wrap my brain around it! Adapting to the abuse trauma is what I have always known and it is considerably difficult to imagine what childhood without trauma would be like.

 

[snappy_turtle]

@TwoDee2ThreeDee It completely makes sense. I often feel like I waver between being grateful for who I've become but upset that it made me rush to change and take what my therapist calls "leaps rather than small strides" when compared to those who were never abused.

@Wildflower77 I feel your pain - I often am saddened as well over the fact that I feel I will always have my guard up so much higher than I ever would at my age. No matter what I do, I won't be that cheery and perpetually joyous self inside and out - there are always things wandering in my mind than one would think. :/

 

[Brenton]

This topic came up during a discussion with a friend. I was asked if I ever get upset over how muc...

I have to pretend I'm okay a lot of the time, when I am not. Its like wearing a lead suit. I have a hard time leaving the house. My work lets me stay home a lot, but I still have to get out there sometimes, and I hate having to act like I'm fine, especially around family, who have little idea what's going on in my head.