Does It Make Me A Failure Or A Fighter?

[Deleted member 6617]

For the umpteenth time in my therapy, today my T brought up disability again. Today she wouldn't let me brush her off. I have not wanted to go on disability because I felt like it would be admitting defeat and failure to "get over" this PTSD crap. She asked me "how is that work'n for you?". Yeah....well, it's not work'n for me at all. I am not functioning well in so many areas and I keep trying to bully myself into doing what I think I should be able to do based on what I have done in the past. Yes, I know... it is not realistic, it is irrational, it is an emotional response. The thing that was different about the conversation today, other than the fact that I let us have it, is the different perspective she gave me to think about. What if going on disability is actually giving myself a fighting chance, and NOT being a failure. What if it is taking the time I need to become stable get through some of the hard things I am currently dealing with. What if it allows me to take the pressure off to "perform" and allows me to work on healing.

I have had a few major events over the last year and a half that have knocked me on my ass. Violent rape and torture, brother killed in a work accident, house foreclosed on, left my emotionally abusive husband of 26 years, going through a divorce and child support battle, suicide attempt, and next week will be my 3rd move in 8 months. Not to mention all the childhood crap. Not even touching that stuff right now. I guess I need to give myself a break.

So I ask myself, is going on disability a sign of failure, or a sign of a fighter? God I want to find some solid ground to stand on. I know I will never be who I was, but it sure would be nice to know who I am!

 

[goingonhope]

I am not functioning well in so many areas

Hi PH, What if going on disability wasn't a sign of a failure, nor a sign of a fighter, what if going on disability was nothing more then presently being disabled and thus receiving disability relief?

 

[curiouser]

PH, (((hugs))) I agree with Hope, do you have to define your actions as only being a failure or a fighter? Could you choose to define your actions as being just something you need right now, a helpful stepping stone to reaching a future goal of yours and nothing more?

 

[Nighthawk]

I think that if I given this option I would take it and spend the time I need to heal. Is there a way to look at disability as a oppurtunity to take in putting your house in order as long as that might or might not take.

(((((HUGS))))) care and support

NH

 

[cherryblossom]

PH - my heart goes out to you. It is a difficult decision, and not to be taken lightly. I really understand that you might consider it a failure. I'll be honest in saying I'm torn (having been in a similar situation, and still consider my career to be quite 'fragile')- but I honestly don't consider taking disability as a failure. I actually think it's a brave step, in looking after yourself, and doing whatever is right for you, despite what others, or society may 'accept', and brushing away any preconceived ideas.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Okay, so maybe I am thinking of this in black and white instead of color?
Hope said:

what if going on disability was nothing more then presently being disabled and thus receiving disability relief?

Oh ouch....rethinking...it hurts. Okay, so this would require my admitting to myself that I am presently disabled, which is something I have been trying to prove otherwise without success. Like my T asked "how's it work'n for you?" Like I said....it isn't! I am currently disabled....ohhhh...that hurts to admit, but it is truth.

Curiouser said:

Could you choose to define your actions as being just something you need right now, a helpful stepping stone to reaching a future goal of yours and nothing more?

Stepping stones are good. I can think stepping stones. ME NEED SOMETHING....now that is hard to admit and even harder to do for myself. I do need relief, that is truth.

Yes NH, you are right also....I need to look at it as opportunity to put things in order, and I do need to get a lot of things in order, not just my house. That also is truth.

CB said:

I actually think it's a brave step, in looking after yourself, and doing whatever is right for you, despite what others, or society may 'accept', and brushing away any preconceived ideas.

And there in is a huge part of my struggle. What other people think and my own preconceived ideas of being disabled. Will my family and friends accept me if I do this? They just don't understand and I can't seem to make them understand. So does it matter what they think. Should that keep me from seeking the help I need to get myself back together to whatever degree I can to function. It really does take being brave and thank you for recognizing that. I am not so great at looking after myself, but dang it all, I need to because nobody else is going to do it. And don't take that wrong...I am not looking for anyone else to do it. I just need to learn I am worth it. That is truth.

Thanks all for the feedback. Gave me food for thought and once again stretched my thinking beyond the black and white. Love you all for it! Much gratitude! PH

 

[Jawn]

Yes PH, you are thinking about it in B&W in my opinion. I think this is a stepping stone on your path to recovery. It's a necessary stone to build your path and is NOT something to be ashamed of or worry about what others think.

Jawn

 

[Greg Clark]

Hi PH ... I've had to go out on disability ... it was the best thing I ever did. I need time for me ... I couldn't handle the pressure of PTSD and a job at the same time. It just kept causing all sorts of problems and I always had constantly severe anxiety. I've been off work for 9 months now ... I had to go to rehab to get my substance abuse issues looked at first. I still have problems with SA. It's when I get triggered. Then my head feels like it's running around at 100 miles an hour, and I'm just the spectator. I try to do the breathing exercises and meditate, but by then, it's usually past the point of doing any good. Fuuny thing, my brain. It likes to take over when I least expect it!!

 

[seedling]

PH - glad to see you are getting some good thinking done on this subject.

Maybe if you can accept some help and see why you need it, others will see your need too. Maybe they will never really understand but maybe they will start to see that you need the help you are asking for.

There may be something in your attitude towards yourself that limits what others are able to see about the reality of your situation. Does that make any sense?

If nothing changes in their understanding of what you need then you can go from there and build additional support elsewhere.

Some breathing room would be great, you've dealt with so much for so long.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Thank you all for the feedback. I have decided to swallow my pride and fear and try to get on disability. I have an appointment next week with a social worker who will help me get going on the process. I know it takes some time, I just wonder how much time? Greg, maybe you could answer that and tell me what the process was you went through to get on it. Only if you are comfortable doing so!

Thanks again all....see where this takes me. PH

 

[TLight]

PH;
I too went on disabilty...three years ago now! It was a horrific rough battle and I didn't want to do it the whole entire time.
I'm now into the third year and JUST NOW I've started to take the time for myself to heal. The last three years I've been desparately searching for some kind of employment I THINK I could possibly do.........all at the expense of heaing myself.
Still, I fight and fight, feel like a complete loser, etc.

My mother and father's words ring in my head; "YOu'll never be anything, get your education, you are never going to be anything but a waittress."
And here I am dear ole ma and pa..........disabled, good for nothing, poor.

Pretty tough things to reconcile.......still.
My advice, don't be like me and take care of you.........rest. Having PTSD is no different than having cancer, in fact, in most people's opinon who have to deal with it..........it's worse.

 

[seedling]

PH -
I know I've read of various experiences with getting on disability here on the forum. I think it will depend on your local office and the personnel there - how helpful they are or aren't.

I remember the one member saying she documented how difficult it was for her to just fill out the forms, how she had tried different jobs and lost them due to PTSD. I think straightforward documentation of how your PTSD affects your life would be helpful - be honest.

Good luck with the process, your T is on your side, that should help. Let us know how it goes.