Domestic Violence

[stormy]

Has anyone here ever been in an abusive relationship?
I feel like it's no big deal and we can manage cause most of the time it is okay. I sometimes think people make such a big deal because they havent ever experienced it before. I feel its just like being a kid and getting into fights with siblings, we still love them and nobody makes a big deal when we are little. But when married our husbands cross "the line". But why is that unacceptable. He still loves me, and he still supports me, but my therapist thinks I should have him leave. Well that is just not something I would ever do. He never really hurts me that bad. I can be very frustrating so i understand,and for the most part and most of the time he is very supportive.
Does anyone understand this. I truly love my husband and he truly is a really good man. He doesnt need any help. He needs to work on his anger but I need to work on not keeping things going when they get heated.

 

[cherryblossom]

I have never been in an abusive relationship. But what you have written sounds quite scary to me. I understand why your therapist thinks you should have him leave.

my therapist thinks I should have him leave. Well that is just not something I would ever do. He never really hurts me that bad.

How bad will he have to hurt you before you will ask him to leave? Where do you draw the line? What happens if the violence escalates, or becomes more frequent - will you stay with him then?

Little kids don't know how to control their aggression and frustration, so they lash out, and fight. But most parents tell their kids off for fighting and help to show them better ways of dealing with situations.

Physical violence is never acceptable in personal adult relationships, in my opinion.

Does your husband get physically violent with everyone he has an argument with? Does he hit his friends or work colleagues, or just you?

he truly is a really good man.

Really good men do not hit the people they love. Really good men do not hit women.

He doesnt need any help. He needs to work on his anger

Is he prepared to work on his anger, without any help from anyone? How would he go about this? Is it a subject you have broached with him?

You seem to take on some of the responsibility for him hitting you. . . .

I can be very frustrating so i understand

I need to work on not keeping things going when they get heated.

Maybe you are frustrating, maybe you know what buttons to press to make him angry, and maybe you could work out a way to not do that. But, he chooses to hit you. You don't make him do it. It's his choice, and he chooses to hit you.

I hear you when you say you love him, and he supports you etc, but if he really loves you, he will want to sort his anger out, and will seek help to do so, if that's what is required.

I'm scared for you, scared that you think this physical violence in your marriage is okay.

 

[jadebear]

Stormy, I have been in an abusive relationship, and It makes me sad to read what you have written. I have been in your shoes, I have also blamed myself and thought If I did things differently, he wouldn't abuse me.

The truth is, nobody deserves to be abused. No matter what you say or do that you consider wrong, you do not deserve it. That's just all part of how abusers work, they get you to believe it's you that's causing them to be the way they are. It's all bullshit.

I understand that you love your husband, but sometimes love's just not enough. Love is not a reason to tolerate abuse.He may not hurt you badly on the outside, but is obviously doing alot of damage inside.

I do hope you can get to a point where you realize love does not equal being treated badly, and I also hope you are safe.

 

[pi314159]

I like being treated badly - I can't help it.......so I think I understand.

 

[LaurenInWonderland]

Hi Stormy,

I'm not just going to tell you that you should leave him and good men don't abuse women but I noticed you said that you think people make a big deal out of it because they haven't experienced it.
I get where you're coming from, people think a man is evil if he hits his wife or they don't understand that all abusive men aren't the same and that there can be two sides to the story,

But let me tell you this from experience, I know you may feel like he's different to all the other abusive men and would never actually hurt you badly but this is not about him it's about you. Why do you feel it's ok for you to be abused? I felt like it had to be something I was doing for the men in my life to abuse me in some way, but then I realised that it had gotten to a point where I had moved from being helpless and not being able to stop my abuser to enabling my abuser my making myself feel like I deserved it. I didnt deserve it and neither do you regardless of how annoying or irritating you think you may be. I am not telling you to leave your husband i understand how hard and sometimes impossible it can be but You're stronger than you think and you questioning whether his actions are wrong is the first step and a very hard one to take so be proud of yourself and keep taking more steps.