General Don't Be Afraid To Let Go...

[newbie2011]

It's a while since I've posted but I've kept watching. I'm not the first and won't be the last supporter who's boyfriend had combat PTSD and struggled to cope with his symptoms and was becoming co-dependant to the detriment of my own health where I had lost weight, was becoming insecure and all my thoughts were consumed about him and debating whether his behaviour was related to his PTSD or was he being selfish. He'd started therapy and everything got progressively worse. Normally I would have walked away from any boyfriend who treated me the way he was doing but I kept making excuses for him till eventually I couldn't take it anymore.

After him letting me down yet again and refusing to answer my calls etc I sent him a message saying I was ending the relationship and didn't want anything from him and I wished him well. And then I started living my own life again - meeting up with friends, doing nice things for me, going to the gym etc. I'm not saying it was easy but it was nice focusing on me. Two months later I've been out on dates (going through the motion really as deep down I still want my ex back), but it's given me my confidence back, I've put on weight and everyone is commenting on how much better I'm looking and it's made me realise how I was getting sucked into his PTSD and getting frustrated that I couldn't help him. I was scared to leave him previously as I thought if I let go I'd lose him forever.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago I got a couple of texts from him which I didn't expect, then we arranged to meet up last week. He looks much better, is much more positive and is doing well with therapy (5 months now) and managing to control his anger and other symptoms. He also apologized for treating me badly (he never apologizes!) and was glad I was happy again. When he asked if I was dating I was honest and said I had been but nothing serious, he looked upset but acknowledged I had to get on with my life. He said he wasn't dating and had no intention. Anyway on leaving each other he hugged me tight and wouldn't let go and we ended up kissing and he said he wanted to see me again.

Since then I'm letting him initiate the communication with me and not putting any pressure on him at all and so far he's texted me a few times and asked me out for a meal and sent me valentines messages. I'm just taking each day at a time, no expectations and if its meant to be then it will be and if not I know I'm strong enough to move on.

I'm not suggesting everyone who's boyfriend or girlfriend has PTSD should split up but I honestly believe him not having the pressure of a relationship has helped with his therapy as it's been one pressure less to deal with (he admitted this too) and my time away has made me much stronger, got me back on track and able to cope again and focus on me. Love doesn't conquer all and no matter how much we try we can't fight the PTSD for them. I hope this gives some people some hope and I believe "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

((Hugs to all))

 

[amethist]

Good to here your doing well newbie, and you did what was best for you.

As you said "If he comes back to you, then it was meant to be". Though I hope neither of you holds onto any past hurt, and both have new beginnings, whether together or apart.

Setting them free is a good way to look at it, but so is freeing yourself from the hurt and pain that should not be in any relationship.

Good luck and keep taking care of you, in every way.

Amethist

 

[ISupportHer]

Thank you for that newbie.

I think that there ARE times when someone has to go it alone, simply speaking. That they have to save themselves first and perhaps need to step away from the added weight of a relationship.

Very early on in my response to the whole PTSD thing, I told my wife that it was like a journey that we are on and to some extent on our own path. What I left unsaid was the fear that the end of the path would be in different places for us. That's very hard.

Unfortunately, there are times 2 people DO end up on separate paths, PTSD or no PTSD. Sometimnes the "I want to support them no matter what" means to let go and let them learn to swim on their own, so to speak. Very painful though for us.

ISH

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Newbie-

This is a really nice update, and I'm very happy for you indeed.

The best thing you said was:

Love doesn't conquer all and no matter how much we try we can't fight the PTSD for them.

While I don't really regret all the time that's gone by which my soldier ex has avoided any contact with me, mainly because I've learned so much during it, the main thing I DO regret was how long I had kept my life on hold. Many many months. If I could tell ANYONE moving forward what not to do, it's not to keep yourself shut up in a holding pattern just waiting for them. You've got to just carry on and like you said, if it's meant to be it will. I only think of the time I wasted where I could have maybe found a different job or state to live in much sooner, but didn't because I spent each week thinking that *THAT* would be the week I finally heard life from him w/o me forcing it numerous times. I don't blame him for that "wasted year", I blame only myself - and I guess it's not until you've accumulated enough time to go "hey, wait a minute" - and add it up that you get the kick you need to get up and get going.

 

[Courage]

I need to read this DAILY!!!!!! I am so so happy for you and pray I find the same strength some day soon. He went to his first counseling session on base 2 days ago....its gunna be a long road but i have found so much strength and encouragment from this site. This post especially....thank you

 

[newbie2011]

Thank you all for your responses. Who knows whats going to happen but you're right Amethist we wouldn't hold onto past hurts. My perception is he has had an illness and is now recovering and although he may never be fully 'healed' we can learn to live with what we have. To be honest he's been very self aware throughout his therapy which I think has frustrated him as he could see himself doing things but couldn't stop himself and he has seen how it affected me as he constantly mentioned my weight loss. I feel if we manage to get through this I think we could get through anything as long as we both want the same goal. I know in my heart he's a great guy and he loves me, I would say he is naive when it comes to relationships and sometimes forgets I'm not one of the lads however but a gentle reminder usually does the trick ;) lol.

What I would say to supporters is if you are struggling to cope, even say to your partner that you're not abandoning them but you just need a bit of time out and take a week or two to do nice things for you and basically 're-charge your batteries'. It's so true when you're struggling yourself, you can't provide a good strong support for them and your personality and behaviour changes, I know I'd lost my spark. All the things that attracted him to me in the first place were gone. Obviously this is slightly different for the married people.

Army_Brat - hindsight is a wonderful thing and I'm sorry you're situation with your ex hasn't improved. I think we hang on because we have the good memories before the bad episodes came along, we know they have developed a condition through no fault of their own and we hope one day we may get that original guy and good times back again once they are 'better' and we go through the grieving stages. The thing is it's easy for others to say 'move on' but when feelings are involved it just isn't that easy. The amount of times I've said 'if only I could switch my brain and heart off' to stop thinking and feeling.

Courage - have a read of my previous posts if you wish as you seem in a similar situation to myself. The therapy road is a winding, tough path and in my case with my guy the initial path seemed easy and gave me false hope then we fell off the path completely and couldn't find it for a while then when we did it seemed an impossible uphill struggle but what I've seen the past week or so the path seems to have leveled out. Fingers crossed! This site is amazing with fantastic people (both sufferers and supporters) who will give you advice, share their experiences and give you encouragement and hope when all seems lost at times and there was many a time I had lost hope.

 

[Anya]

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

Ha ha yeah this quote is applicable to relationships with a person with PTSD, but he/she may have to set them free more than once and they the sufferers gonna come back more than once.

My guy disappeared on me twice, both times I fought but afterwards let go and after weeks and weeks he contacts me, this time I try to keep conversation simple and not put much pressure/emotion. Our love story's like some movie, lol we love them, they love us, but they just can't control themselves sometimes, and they do things they don't mean to that would hurt us, like ignore us, etc. But we stay.

This is not my ideal relationship, but I love my guy so much I cant leave him. But I feel I am slowly destroying myself. I get very very sad of the way he is when his PTSD kicks in, like he's a totally different person, and when I'm sad I cant do things, cant study, hard time sleeping. etc.

I'm helping my guy, I dont show my weak side when I'm with him, I try to be like someone who will always be there for him, though I try not to pressure as well. But its destroying me too, I wonder who will help us supporters.

Also I have a question, my guy, how can I make him get regular therapy?? He seems to not want regular therapy, also his job keeps reminding him of his trauma, but doesnt want to quit he says he loves his job. :s

<Edited for basic grammar>

 

[amethist]

Hi Anya

Just a quick answer to 2 of your questions.

You ask how can you make him go to regular therapy. Basically You can't, he has to want to go himself. You can set boundaries like, If he does not take active responsibility, then you cannot hold him up constantly, or it will destroy you.

There come the answer to the one about "Who will help supporters", You have to do this yourself. You have to look after your own needs as best you can or you will not be able to keep on supporting him.

You may think how can I do this, but you do have to find a way. Good friends who you can talk to now and again, maybe even your own counselor, so you can let out all your frustrations in a safe environment.

Non of this is going to be easy, but it can be done with hard work form both of you.

Amethist

 

[newbie2011]

Well a little update on my situation....not good news. My ex and I are over for good, he has been caught out good and proper. Despite saying he was divorced, he actually had a wife who gave birth to their second child last week!!!! She emailed me telling me and suspected he was having an affair. I've wrote more about the situation in the supporters general discussion forum titled 'bombshell'. No wonder he's been stressed and under a lot of pressure leading a double life, makes me wonder about all the PTSD and was it as bad as he made out - who knows and makes me upset someone can be so deceitful. His lies have been so elaborate and believable and he even duped my parents, they are totally shocked too. He was a selfish guy but I didn't realize he was just out for his own gains. I totally loved this guy and was supporting him through all his stuff. Am so glad I chose to walk away and build up my strength at New Year because I need it now :cry:

 

[iluvdesserts]

Newbie, I am so sorry for your pain. That information is horrible. As I say with many women on this site, I feel like I'm dating the same person they are. Although I haven't found out that my Sufferer is married, the mechanics of your relationship are almost identical.

Thank you for giving an update. I always wonder how people's situations turn out. I wish you the best in your healing process.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Newbie -

This sucks beyond words. I read your other "Bombshell" post last night and still can't get over it the next day.

My really heart goes out to you and all I can say is the following:

1 - Please don't let what you've learned about PTSD go to waste. Somehow and in some way use it to help others still regardless of this a-hole.

2 - His bs story of being "divorced" will now probably become reality, so the next time he tells some girl that it'll be the truth - and will cost him dearly. :tup: Take solace in that. Karma is a bitch, and she'll go at him with a vengence. Not sure where you are, but I know the US Army doesn't take kindly to adultery, so his troubles haven't even truly begun.

Point for you! Congrats. You don't even have to do a thing to mount any payback. That's truly beautiful, and when you feel low and sad, that'll hopefully lift your spirits a bit.

Please take care,
AB

 

[Pale Warrior]

ON/OFF TOPIC?

When I first joined I was reading loads of supporter threads and I spotted one where I had the strongest of feelings that the sufferer was a man leading a double life. I couldn't say so, but I feel like going back and finding it and linking to this thread.