Don't Take This The Wrong Way, But I Don't Want To Fit In Here.

[Burke]

Janine, I can also relate to the survivors guilt. My mother saved my life when she managed to get in to the car and drive it through the closed garage door. Unfortunately, while she did get him away from me, she could not get away herself.

Today started off terrible. I have been seeing this therapist for a few months now. It was going okay until I came to a place I just didn't want to go. I have been stuck here and it feels hopeless. I keep feeling that I am probably going to die soon anyway. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.

I realized in therapy today that I have to find the strength to keep going.

Loyalone, I haven't figured out how to defuse.

 

[Jaybird3939]

Burke, I'm so sorry your day started off badly. I've dealt with that "I'm not going to be around that long anyway" feeling myself. Well, I'm going to tell you (all) something I've never really admitted to anyone. Sometimes, when I can't really suppress it, I feel like I wasn't supposed to have survived that day. Witnesses say the man fired shots at me & missed. My life took such a 180 turn that day, it still confuses me. At 15, I lost everything, everyone. I wonder...Is that why I never was able to find a "soulmate", have a child, even a best friend? I feel like those things were taken away that day too. I think, for me, part of the guilt is that I did survive physically, but sometimes it seemed like life stopped that day. I can't say I'm happy a great deal of the time, but I'm not unhappy either...If that makes sense. I hope that you are able to find some way, some how, to have more better days than terrible days. I hope you check in soon.
Janine

 

[LawPhotos]

I don't do well with real hugs myself, but if you'd like to have a cyberhug:

{{{{Jaybird}}}} {{{{Burke}}}}

Having a feeling that you will have a shortened life span is actually a common symptom of PTSD.

While the origin of my C-PTSD isn't the same, I never tell my story except here and my T. When my T talks to me about acceptance I just can't get past the fact that I just don't want to be the person those horrific things happened to. I know people would never treat me the same if they knew. I too feel that I would just become "the person that that happened to" every time I turned my back.

 

[maddog]

Hi Burke, and welcome to perhaps the first place you will ever feel as though you belong and are part of a crowd you can relate to. And it's ok... none of us ever really want to fit in here, it's not like taking up a hobby or going to a party, and yet the connections and compassion you will, I hope, find here, will possibly be the most rewarding social contact you have made in a long while.

It's more than ok to not know how to talk about yourself or your situation. No obligations there. I started reading posts on this site and did so without even signing up for weeks beforeI felt I wanted to make that commitment. Gradually I moved from angry denial, to mild curiosity, to intense wonderment, and then finally to acceptance that this was something I wanted to try. It doesn't matter how long it takes... just keep hanging in there with us.

And speaking of how long it takes, and hanging in, please don't lose heart with therapy, or feel as though you just can't go to the darkest places. That's totally normal and any T with trauma experience will know there will be times of progress and times of idling stagnation. It's all part of the process, and as long as you can trust in the process and the person enough to try to keep sharing what you can, then slowly you will find that way forward.

I too have long been an obsessive workaholic, again for up to 16 hours a day, 7 days a week. Didn't do it for the money either - I get paid for 8 hours work per day and no more, but I didit because I was afraid to be alone with myself. I still am... still can't take a day off work without big problems, but I'm working on it, slowly, but as quickly as i can. We all do what we have to do to cope while we can, but in the end, we're all here because we've accepted that it's time to come to terms with our pasts and to try to build something better for our futures.

I hope you stay with us, it's really nice to meet you.

Maddog

 

[cat]

Hi Burke Welcome to the forum. Well done for making the first step towards your recovery. Accepting that you have a problem & seeking the advice of a professional takes great courage, hold on to that thought & take strength from it.

I was diagnosed with cptsd 3yrs ago & following 21/2 yrs of therapy I'm in recovery, it isn't perfect but I have a good life & understand myself & my thoughts far better than I ever have. I am my own person now not one the one my trauma made me.

Therapy is hard work but very beneficial, there will be some very tough times while you begin to understand your traumas & how you have reacted to them but hang on in there life will get better for you too. There is no quick fix for ptsd symptoms, it takes time, patience & the guidance of a good therapist which you seem to have found.

Please try to accept all the help and support the forum, you will make some good friends here who will help you through this difficult time.

I hope that gives you some hope for the future. I can honestly say that I am happy again & hope that one day you will find that feeling too.

Stay strong & take care. x

 

[Jaybird3939]

Hi, everyone. Just thought I'd share that I'm on my 6th night of about 2 hrs of sleep or less a night. Haven't quite fiqured out what's bothering me yet, but hopefully before the weekend is out, I'll get a handle on it & maybe get a chance to sleep my more normal 5-6 hours a night. The good news is Young Frankenstein just came on the movie channel & now I have Mel Brooks & Gene Wilder to keep me company, before, it would have been Carlo Rossi Chablis or Almaden Chardonnay. I hope you all will be able to get up this morning with something positive & hopeful to look forward to today. I'm going to nab a few hours of sleep & see what the rest of the day brings...Good things I hope

 

[ms spock]

Having a feeling that you will have a shortened life span is actually a common symptom of PTSD.
.

I had no plans of the future because I couldn't see it happening.
ms spock

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Burke)))))

 

[Burke]

Feeling very sad today. I have no idea why. Sometimes it is difficult to find hope.

 

[Jaybird3939]

Burke, I'm so sorry you're feeling sad today. I hope it doesn't last very long & that you'll be feeling hopeful and positive soon. Sometimes you know what knocks you on your butt & sometimes you don't. Just be sure you smack it back harder than it smacks you!
Janine

 

[jo may]

Feeling very sad today. I have no idea why. Sometimes it is difficult to find hope.

It's totally shitty is your having a bad day, I get it Ireally do I think we all have bad days.

I hope you find some peace in yourself :)

We are all here to help each other but some days it's harder than others.

I just wish I could sleep I really miss sleep:sleep:

Take care and your be in my thoughts.
JM

 

[ms spock]

It is indeed hard to find hope some days Burke,
ms spock