Doubt

[Casey_03]

Why do I always feel such deep doubt about my own perceptions after any encounter with my lunatic ex? He showed up outside my building today uninvited and began demanding to be let in to see the baby. When I didn't let him in, he started hurling verbal abuse at me, threatening to "make my life hell" and to take the baby away. And on and on and on. At the time, I was genuinely scared for my own safety and my baby's safety, felt like I should call someone and contemplated calling the police. I was seriously afraid to leave the building. And I am now seriously afraid of him.

But then, at the same time, now that he's gone and I've mostly calmed down, I find myself wondering if I'm overreacting, or if he's just reminding me of former boyfriends who physically abused me. This doubt creeps in and I find myself thinking, "Well, he's never hit you or anything, so maybe you're just experiencing this profound fear because of your past experiences with a boyfriend who DID hit you and try to kill you."

Does anyone else get this? I know there is an element of battered woman syndrome here, and part of the doubt comes from him breaking me down and gas lighting me. But at the same time, what if the fear actually is only from past experiences? Or is it just because he's so unpredictable I have no idea what to expect? Why do I have such doubt?!

(i suppose it doesn't help that when I called my sister in a panic and told her what was happening, she had a very nonchalant response and acted like it was no big deal. I told her I was afraid to leave the building to take little man to his doctor's appointment. She literally just said, "Oh, well, just take a knife with you when you go. Put the baby in one arm and the knife in the other." ?!?!??!?!)

 

[Deleted member 541]

Are there valid reasons as to why you won't allow him to see the baby? If he is the father, he may have legal rights. Not sure as you are in another country.

 

[shimmerz]

I find myself wondering if I'm overreacting,

I went through something similar about 10 years ago Casey. I find that this statement really hits me. I had almost forgotten about it.

I am pretty certain that this feeling was my attempt to minimize what was going on around me. I recall eventually going to see a women's outreach counsellor, for the express purpose of finding a lawyer and my being shocked that she insisted on my coming in two times a week and then, after she found out what was happening, insisting that we make up a safety plan.

Safety plan????? I was shocked.

I hate to say it, but I think you should be thinking of a safety plan as well. A guy whole has the balls to do what he has been doing to you is a random card. And a dangerous one at that. Please keep him away at all costs. Do whatever you can to keep safe please. May love walk with you.

 

[Casey_03]

Thanks @shimmerz I suspect a lot of people on this forum have experienced this feeling, and i wonder if there really is any answer/solution to it. It's such a giant cluster of different feelings and I can't even really pinpoint everything I'm feeling right now ... But the doubt, it really gets to me.

@She Cat Sorry, I should've really included more details; I was just so distressed while writing this, and still am. There are valid reasons for keeping him away. He was emotionally and verbally abusive (and generally insane) throughout the pregnancy. I let him visit once after the baby was born and he was fine around the baby but as soon as he left he began bombarding me with threats. He tried to force me to get an abortion while I was pregnant by contacting my employer and trying to get me fired, harassing my family, etc. So while he never physically abused me, he has engaged in really dangerous, sadistic stunts to try and punish me for keeping the baby.

 

[Silver.]

Here in the states, they don't care if the father has been a downright twat to the mother, no matter how bad he has been, they just care about making sure the father has access to the baby.
I worry that it might be the same there and that he might try to do something to prevent you from moving forward with all your plans?
Perhaps you could allow him access to see him in a public place?
You have a right to be concerned and worried. If he shows up again aggressively, I would definitely call the police and have them involved. As this will help keep him away from barging into your personal space.
I still deal with it with my daughter's father, I am sorry you have to go through this x

 

[Casey_03]

@Silver. Yeah, at the moment he's not even on the birth certificate, so he's not even legally entitled to see the baby. I had told him months ago that i'd have no problem with him seeing the baby if he could learn to be civil and work out an agreement with me, and also see a therapist to deal with his issues. His response was that he doesn't want to compromise with me and wants the baby for himself. He literally keeps threatening to "take" the baby and never let me see the baby again, but then acts dismayed when he shows up at my door with no prior notice and I don't let him in. Ugh. I feel sorry for anyone who goes through this sort of nastiness ...

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 thank you for clarifying your situation. Yes, you need to make sure that you and your child are safe, above everything else. God, why do some men have to be such f*ckheads?????