Down

[OKRADLAK]

I don't know why I have thoughts of hurting myself when I tried so hard to survive.

I want the pain to stop but I want to be able to sleep and eat normally again.

I know I am ruined, and I am fighting so hard like everyone here is .

I am not going to harm myself. To you my friends on here, I do make that commitment. But I think about it so often, especially at work.

I like my job but I am so stressed all the time. I have to get up like 4am to even get ready to get my mind settled enough to go (starts at 9) which means I cannot sleep.....coffee.......

ANyway, I am rambling a bit.

Just wanted to drop by the suicide posts to say that I am obsessing on it again. GRRRRRRR.

But not gonna self harm................grrrr

 

[maddog]

Hugs Okradlak, and wishing there was more I could send to help you make it through these feelings. I think you are wise to write here about your feelings, to express and acknowledge them and to make a commitment to stay safe. That takes courage, and that same courage will get you through this. Remember, it's the truth, and not just a cliche, to say that no feeling is final, no feeling is forever, and these feelings will therefore pass, just as they have before.

I can empathise with your gruelling daily work routine and the toll this can take as well. Working is such a double edged sword, good routine and structure, yet such a draining effort when our internal resources feel so scarce.

Take good care mate.

Maddog

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((((Okaradlak)))))))))))))))

Honestly, you sound stressed out. Ideation stays with me most of the time but screams when I am exhausted. You have been making some very difficult decisions and although you have received very supportive responses, it can be stressful (positive stress) to expose yourself like that.

Maybe just writing it out is helpful or even planning a few days where you have some down time and peace.

Proud of all that you have been doing!

peace,
Rain

 

[The Albatross]

I turn the on the obsessive thoughts and ask, "Why so downcast o my soul?" Then write what pops and answer back with my adult mind. Most often it is a basic need that I'm ignoring... but not always.

If work is generating stress, even though you enjoy your work... can you identify the stress producing elements and try to reduce any of them??? How about some self loving/self care? What are you doing to nurture your body/mind/spirit?

 

[Ted Moen]

Getting your mind ready for work is a real challenge. I used to exercise on the way to work. I drove half way and stopped at a Balleys in a shopping mall. I would jog 3-5 miles around the mall until Balleys opened (6:00a), then go in and do the machines and finish with stretches. While jogging the intrusive thoughts and feelings worked their way through, eventually replaced by the good feeling of endorphins being released. During stretching I would program myself for work. Most days I would be productive until mid-afternoon this way, so I did important work in the morning.

That process gave me my best chance and seemed to work, though by evening I would be daydreaming about ending the struggle. I even developed detailed plans so I would be ready when everything was just right, when it was time to end the struggle. Sharing those plans with my therapist got me into an inpatient program and eventually medically retired from the workplace for PTSD. I survived 30 some years in the workplace, the last 10-15 with a lot of therapeutic support, and now I have been medically retired for 10 years.

I feel very fortunate to have had the therapeutic support to hang in the workplace until I was in a position to medically retire somewhat financially secure, not the retirement I might have had had I never had PTSD, but a reasonable retirement with little stress and sufficient means to participate in appropriate activities and relationships.

So hang in there Okradlac, the wish to end the struggle is just a byproduct of the effort it takes us to get through the day. And when the situation is right, (medically) retire and let yourself enjoy appropriate activities and relationships in a low stress environment. It has a way of working out.

Ted

 

[OKRADLAK]

Thank you for the responses. I know a lot of it is the sleep issue. It is so hard to function.

It is also the emotional pain. On one hand I wish I could tell people and I know I can't.

Then there are the social issues.

The only person I ever fell in love with afer my abuse was a married man. We never did anything and he never knew because I am NOT the type to ruin marriages and careers and I was SO EMBARASSED that I felt that way. It was awful. He was the kindest, most gentle soul and we talked a lot.

So I am not there, but there are similar social issues that are making me feel overwhelmed.

We just plain feel things so much. WHen you have PTSD, pain is agonizing, love is overwhelming, stress is a battering ram........too many feelings and no way to get downtime.

I need to go to the Dr and the T................time to see if I should do something different. I just really need to stick out this job till Christmas................

 

[James B.]

I know I am ruined, and I am fighting so hard like everyone here is .

This sh*t caves in on me periodically, also. I can empathize. Been lucky lately, able to get downtime or, my goose might be cooked...:cautious: Please take care OKRADLAK.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((OKRADLAK)))))

This seems to be my default setting every time my triggers put me into overload.

It sucks.

 

[kimba]

Sorry you are going through a rough patch. Please be good to yourself and stay safe.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Hanging on.........so little sleep.That has to be the worst. :(

Still plugging along. Did not quit work, believe it or not. I really need it now.

 

[maddog]

Really glad to hear you're still hanging in there Okradlak, and i know what you mean about needing work. I'm in the same boat, barely hanging in, but needing to, even though each day I find myself wondering how or why.

Here's to continuing to hang on to something better than what we'd have without it.

Maddog

 

[Ted Moen]

We just plain feel things so much. WHen you have PTSD, pain is agonizing, love is overwhelming, stress is a battering ram........