Drawn To Danger

[Nellie]

I was wondering if anyone else craves danger? I don't know if that's the right way to put it, but I feel like I keep getting drawn to do things which will put me in harm's way, but at the time it seems like an innocent decision. It's only later that I see it fit into the pattern.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Are you referring to the behavioral re-enactment part of trauma?

 

[Nellie]

Not really. I mean I guess in that sense I'm attracted to dark, emotionally unavailable, aggressively sexual men, and I'd say that's related to being sexually abused as a kid. But I'm talking more about the need to fill my life with danger and fear (like traveling to dangerous places, participating in extreme sports, volunteering as a firefighter, etc) to avoid feeling empty. Or to make myself FEEL something. I don't know if it's related or not. Maybe I'm just addicted to adrenaline/stress? Is that possible?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You actually want that adrenaline? Most of us have too much as it is. I'd gladly give mine away. It's unwanted.

 

[Lost Pup]

Personally, I am very wary of using the paradigm of "addiction" to think about why people with PTSD end up seeking adrenaline, though we clearly do so.

Seems to me that addiction refers to using something extrinsic to an organism to escape it's innate condition. Alternately, I know that for me, adrenaline is so innate to my physiology that, it just recreates the state that I have always known. Without it, I wouldn't know who I was. Though I do look forward to finding out.

 

[Nellie]

Solara that's the problem - I have too much of it too. I'm not consciously seeking it, but with hindsight almost all my choices show that I'm seeking it on some level. I definitely don't want any more adrenaline rushing through my body. I have hypertension, heart palpitations, crippling anxiety, and my hair has almost all fallen out as a result of it. I'm just trying to get to the root of the problem so that I can take responsibility and change my behaviour.

 

[franciemarnie]

I was numb 90% of the time for decades and saw in retrospect I unconsciously sought adrenalin in order to feel something.

Also "home" or the original "home" state of being was me flooded with adrenalin all the time so years later when the numb set in - it wasn't just that I felt buried alive, I didn't feel "right" in my body.

But this was unconscious - the drive to feel something - the more extreme the better because nothing was getting thru.

I had some close calls and gradually could see the insanity.

Then my feelings returned, the numb left and it's been mostly adrenalin city ever since even if I am eating chocolate wafers and watching My Fair Lady.

 

[Nellie]

I think I do reckless things both when I'm feeling numb (so as to feel something) and when I'm already filled with adrenaline (so as to release some energy and to stop myself from actively and directly trying to hurt/kill myself, if that makes any sense). I've only just started noticing this pattern. Unfortunately not in time to rethink my holiday destination. I was going to go to a relaxing retreat in Hawaii but instead chose to go to Colombia (which is on the government's 'do not travel' list). It seemed like a totally rational choice at the time but for someone who is falling apart at the moment I probably should have stuck with the first choice! :/

 

[Lost Pup]

I'm hoping to go to Colombia in the fall. It's radically changed in the past decade, much safer. I could be wrong but I believe it was removed from the do not travel list, if it was ever officially there at all. Good luck. I know that for me, hypervigilance actually becomes my friend when I travel. I have been in some extremely dicey locales in my adult life and never once been mugged or accosted (or worse.)

 

[WillyKat]

Several people wonder about my trips to the wilderness alone. They see it as a death wish, because I'm typically 20 miles from the nearest outhouse, no communication, very little equipment. Often I go w/o bear spray or other forms of protection.

I don't see it as a death wish at all, but as a way of feeling truly alive. I'm free of all my triggers out there.

I think too that these are honest dangers. There are no humans around to deceive me. Mountain lions don't ask you to help them find something in the loft of a barn.

Interesting thread.

 

[nomedic1]

I tried to get myself in dangerous situations for the last 20 years, took jobs where danger was apparent. All that happened was more dark dogs are added to the pack

 

[Barconian]

Maybe I'm just addicted to adrenaline/stress

Maybe you are! Do you have limitations to your wild side? Looking at death in the face kind of helps build up courage to deal with domestic life, I reckon :)

There are too many people in the world today that are rapped in cotton wool and these people constantly tell us how stupid we are for challenging ourselves! "Man" does it burn off excess energy ,but!!! :D

As our body gets older and our mind stays energetic, the extreme sports get harder and it hurts more. The downfall of such energetic behaviour is coming down from that emotional high (like taking ecstasy) and having to come back to the real world. As we get older, our minds collect more fears (skeletons in the closet stuff) and our minds can't focus on the pleasure at hand "so much" and we start making mistakes, due to lack of focus. Then also, the coming down from that emotional high becomes bigger a fall again, which in turn can cause us more unwanted anxiety. It's not the "rush" that causes you grief, but the coming down from it that you need to look at. So by controlling the amount of activity or level of fear factor, you could be able to find a happy medium between pleasure and pain, per se' to protect both body and mind... Or you could become a Buddhist priest and meditate your life away :D

If you live your life too safely, you give yourself more fears, because you are not able to reach your full potential and then you could become miserable.

Good for you Nellie, I do love to live on the wild side of life!!! However I have learnt the hard way that there is a balance between too much and not enough. The key I guess is balance!!!