Hmmmmm....
Maybe age has tempered my need for "that rush". Clear and present danger is not something I do...anymore. Yet, I do understand the need to "feel something". While in the abusive situation, I could not fight, I could not resist, verbally or physically. I simply "took it". (that has changed)
As years have gone by (36) and the age factor has crept in, I think I have refined my pursuit of "the rush". I like to fight. Not physical fist fights, but verbal/mental fights! I simply love a good argument and it really doesn't matter if I am right or wrong, win or lose. I love battle!
A close friend, who also was in the same abusive environment, likes to use the words "Addicted to Trauma". @Lost Pup mentioned "Seems to me that addiction refers to using something extrinsic to an organism to escape it's innate condition." This struck me as very interesting...ok, perhaps there is a better word for the draw, the need, the desire for traumatic situation....and a good fight is clearly a traumatic experience for me. That there is an intrinsic desire to create and generate chaos...setting the stage for "the fight".
See. "the fight" gets good to me! My heart pounds, the adrenaline surges, my eyes dilate, my thought process is focused as a razors edge and every capillary in my body is engorged with the essence of FIGHT. Its a powerful force, there is a special allure to it.
It's important to note, this is not a constant state for me. I am not a brawler or a bully. But if the music is right and the lighting is right.....I will dance! And I will dance until I drop from shear exhaustion. Now, had I chosen to become a lawyer or a preacher....this skill set may have been put to good use. But alas, I am neither. Actually, I am a laid back, fun loving kinda guy. Mellow, peaceful. Yet, always coiled and ready to strike.
So, whats the danger in this?
#1) It effects me negatively.
I, without fail, feel absolutely miserable after "the fight". Remorse and regret for things said, is an immediate pair f companions that sit with me. Immediate Karma envelopes me. There is no need to wait for another life time to experience Karma...it is swift and immediate. For every moment I spend in "the ring"...that castle in the sky....I sit in the dungeons of despair. Which I am sure fits some cosmic law or another....for every action there is an equal......
#2) It effects (or can) those whom I hold near and dear.
This "addiction to trauma" can easily bleed over into relationship. What can seem like harmless banter can escalate into full blown disaster with those I love.....and over what? Nothing, other than my desire "to fight".
So, now, "Post Fight" I feel like royal hell, riddled with regret and remorse...not to mention the "adrenaline crash" and...AND now I have hurt those I love.....Oh Gawd! It's a crushing experience!
Is there an answer? Clearly there is a pattern! But what is the answer, the solution?
Time?
Effort?
Observation?
Examination?
Patience?
Counsel?
Isolation?
None of the above, all of the above? Fact is....I don't know, with any degree of certainty.
I appreciate the post, the topic. I wish I had more to contribute. But I really do appreciate the depth of thought, it offers the opportunity to look deeper....without additional self criticism. Hopefully I didn't digress to far off topic, but perhaps another facet has been shown. Somehow it seems I will always be dancing with the flame that is sure to burn me in one way, shape, form or another.
Maybe age has tempered my need for "that rush". Clear and present danger is not something I do...anymore. Yet, I do understand the need to "feel something". While in the abusive situation, I could not fight, I could not resist, verbally or physically. I simply "took it". (that has changed)
As years have gone by (36) and the age factor has crept in, I think I have refined my pursuit of "the rush". I like to fight. Not physical fist fights, but verbal/mental fights! I simply love a good argument and it really doesn't matter if I am right or wrong, win or lose. I love battle!
A close friend, who also was in the same abusive environment, likes to use the words "Addicted to Trauma". @Lost Pup mentioned "Seems to me that addiction refers to using something extrinsic to an organism to escape it's innate condition." This struck me as very interesting...ok, perhaps there is a better word for the draw, the need, the desire for traumatic situation....and a good fight is clearly a traumatic experience for me. That there is an intrinsic desire to create and generate chaos...setting the stage for "the fight".
See. "the fight" gets good to me! My heart pounds, the adrenaline surges, my eyes dilate, my thought process is focused as a razors edge and every capillary in my body is engorged with the essence of FIGHT. Its a powerful force, there is a special allure to it.
It's important to note, this is not a constant state for me. I am not a brawler or a bully. But if the music is right and the lighting is right.....I will dance! And I will dance until I drop from shear exhaustion. Now, had I chosen to become a lawyer or a preacher....this skill set may have been put to good use. But alas, I am neither. Actually, I am a laid back, fun loving kinda guy. Mellow, peaceful. Yet, always coiled and ready to strike.
So, whats the danger in this?
#1) It effects me negatively.
I, without fail, feel absolutely miserable after "the fight". Remorse and regret for things said, is an immediate pair f companions that sit with me. Immediate Karma envelopes me. There is no need to wait for another life time to experience Karma...it is swift and immediate. For every moment I spend in "the ring"...that castle in the sky....I sit in the dungeons of despair. Which I am sure fits some cosmic law or another....for every action there is an equal......
#2) It effects (or can) those whom I hold near and dear.
This "addiction to trauma" can easily bleed over into relationship. What can seem like harmless banter can escalate into full blown disaster with those I love.....and over what? Nothing, other than my desire "to fight".
So, now, "Post Fight" I feel like royal hell, riddled with regret and remorse...not to mention the "adrenaline crash" and...AND now I have hurt those I love.....Oh Gawd! It's a crushing experience!
Is there an answer? Clearly there is a pattern! But what is the answer, the solution?
Time?
Effort?
Observation?
Examination?
Patience?
Counsel?
Isolation?
None of the above, all of the above? Fact is....I don't know, with any degree of certainty.
I appreciate the post, the topic. I wish I had more to contribute. But I really do appreciate the depth of thought, it offers the opportunity to look deeper....without additional self criticism. Hopefully I didn't digress to far off topic, but perhaps another facet has been shown. Somehow it seems I will always be dancing with the flame that is sure to burn me in one way, shape, form or another.
