Drinking Alcohol

[Sighs]

I got to the point with my ex where I realised that he was going to drink himself to death with or without me. I decided it should be without.

@Solara - there are better things than a rock bottom alcoholic in your future!

 

[In Exile]

I would have described myself as a "social drinker" when, if fact, I was very proud of the ability to drink anyone under the table. Of course, I also caused a lot of problems for many people along the way, but I always thought it wasn't my fault.

I think all therapists should have their clients keep a tally of how much they actually drink. I never really discussed it with my therapist, but should have.

Yes, having relationships not work out sucks, but it sounds like you may have dodged a bullet.

Hang in there!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

First, an update....

Of course it was impossible to just cut things off and never go back. Saturday night I confronted him about the drinking....Posted about that above. Sunday I had a lot of free time on my hands, and texted him. Since then there has been a lot of fighting. He dismisses my alcohol protests as "PSTD episodes" and doesn't take me seriously. The last few days I have been in a total shutdown. Well, not completely, as I was able to pull myself out for moments or so, but I kept sliding back into a dissociative state. The dissociation was worse when talking to him. I tried to talk to him on the phone for the first time in almost a week and I couldn't even say anything much more than "yes" or "no". I don't usually have dissociation like this... I had a bad dissociative state at the end of May, with the stressor being fireworks, but this time it wasn't so clear at first. I finally realized that I am essentially re-creating my trauma here and yet again, I am on the losing end. No, there is no "redo" where we can get into a similar situation but claim victory this time, as sadly it doesn't work like that. This situation is a re-creation of my mother's drinking. She would drink and deny, deny, deny followed by minimization and dismissal of my feelings and/or point of view. This guy is doing the same thing, albeit in a slightly different manor.

So last night were the two phone calls with him where I couldn't talk. Got off the phone and did a lot of distraction, watched the game in extra innings, worked on self-soothing and such. Called on the angels and the saints (my usual go to 'skill'), which didn't pull me out of it, so I started praying like crazy. Yeah, you know things are bad when I go directly to God and start talking to him....haven't done that in years. It helped though, as it always does.

My sleep was ok, but didn't get much because I had to be up early. Thought about going back to bed but decided that I needed to get out of the house, as I've only been out once in the last week. Had a good day. Texted him my discovery, mainly that I cannot handle the drinking issue---as in literally, it is completely out of my control in that my mind throws me into a dissociative protective state. I told him that he is who he is and what I experience is out of my control. He now knows it is really over because I can't even talk to him. I even told him that I knew it was a crappy thing to say over text, but he knows how shut down I am right now. I don't normally deliver devastating news over text like that. And I don't mean to say that my dissociation is completely out of my control, but when your mind throws you into such a state when you simply talk to that person, I think that is probably the biggest damn red flag that you could get.

Of course now my stomach is killing me but I suspect I have a sulfate sensitivity and of course, my medication has sulfate in it and yeah, its a Friday afternoon so I'll have to do with something else until Monday. Its like my head and my body are at war and I am the one who loses no matter what. My head shuts down and throws me into a dissociative state when confronted with a situation that pretty much re-creates one of my old traumas, but when I do the right thing and distance myself from this guy, my body reacts. Its like my system is saying "oh, no, no, no.....no matter what you do, you're going to HURT!" ARGH.

Sorry if I ramble or if bits are unclear, as I am still I bit dissociated right now. Last night was even worse, I couldn't type AT ALL...and that has never happened before. Usually its just my speech that shuts down.

 

[Philippa]

I think you made the right decision Solara, as everyone here has already confirmed. I'm glad praying worked for you and you were able to get some relief. It's reminded me that prayer is there for me as well, if I need it. I forget how effective it can be sometimes.

Although I don't really know what it's like to be with a full blown alcoholic...I am surrounded by them in Melbourne. It's such a "social drinking" town, and I'm sure most "social drinkers" here would use that excuse too, if I probed them too much about their habits.

The guy I ditched a few weeks ago after he chose to get drunk all night when he knew we had a date probably would have ended up like this person, or was already there. So glad I didn't get too involved because I know how hard it is to detach from a relationship when you care about someone deeply.

I was with a guy a few years ago who loved whiskey and ketamine...a lot. You can't be with people who isn't 'there' consciously with you. I think it's a perfectly reasonable need to want someone to be conscious to the relationship.

If you continued it would have just been more of the same, only his invalidation and negation of your feelings would have increased. At least now he has a chance to look at what he has lost. It might be enough to make him see he needs to turn things around. If it isn't enough, then it's not your problem anymore. Someone else can be the "one who made him turn it all around" and spare you the waste of time and energy on someone who isn't ready for that yet.

Your life is just as important as everyone elses, and it's ok to put yourself first.