General Embarrassed To Ask...

[Toria]

Right, I'm going to lay my cards on the table, my heart on the line etc etc and then not log on again for a week in embarrassment - but I have no one else to ask, so please excuse me.

Before I start, if this is too "off" and Admin wish to delete it or edit it I will understand.

I was going to post this in the Intimacy thread, but it's not really intimate. I have a problem with Husband and his constant sexual comments. I've been in a couple of relationships before and cannot remember other men being like this, but you know how it is - when you've lived with something for so long you start to doubt your own marbles...

There are days, like the days when he seems manic and can't stop talking all day, when everything that comes out of his mouth seems to be an innuendo. I can ask him if he wants a cup of coffee and he'll manage to twist it.

I started a new diet yesterday and his reaction was "I can **** you thin". But the thing that has really made me swallow my pride and prompted me to post was something that he said this morning when I was drying the dog after a walk. I was stood behind her, and... well I can't quite bring myself to type what he said and besides it it would probably be deleted but it was something about "taking it from behind" - I am really sorry.

Is it me? Am I being a prude?

Is it an Army thing? Could it be a PTSD thing?

After the diet comment I just started at him and he just said "don't ****ing look at me like that"

Any thoughts really would be very gratefully received when I dare show my face again in about a fortnight...

 

[The Albatross]

My ex talked like that. To him, it was a way to indicate interest and that I was attractive to him. In hindsight, I can see that he thought my response was maybe a rejection or disapproval. He was hair triggered about abandonment and rejection.

I know that I send candid, curt and crude messages at times to my present spouse. I can see by his reaction and hear in his voice that it wasn't the message or reaction that he wanted. (For me this is usually about frustration rather than sex remarks. I think it has a lot to do with impulse control for me. I learned in joint counseling with him this past year to put a "pause" in before speaking and it has helped a good deal.

But, reading Toria... and just going of what you wrote, the two things I see that popped for me was that he was expressing your attractiveness/his desire (albet crudely and not in a way that made you feel warm and fuzzy), and when your response wasn't reciprocal or positive, he may have seen it as a rejection. (???)

Hope this helps you.

 

[wife of]

Yep sounds to me like a guy whos not too confident in the language of hearts and flowers,cack handed attempts to let you know he still thinks your gorgeous.Whereas you would rather have your hand held or the odd cuddle.....
Don't know if he has any "performance issues" but it maybe that he's talking the talk in the hope that it will enable him to walk the walk.
Might be he's feeling insecure and talking dirty to see if you will reciprocate???

 

[Toria]

Thanks guys... *blush*!!!!!

So I guess I mis-read the situation totally... if I had a bunch of flowers for every time he spoke like that I'd be a happy bunny ;)

No performance issues, but PTSD has driven a bit of a wedge between us as it's generally the last thing on my mind after a row or even after him saying something like that... *double blush*

Huge thank yous for putting a whole different perspective on it for me... Toria-the-Prude!!!!

 

[amethist]

Not a prude just a bit of a Nelly :roflmao:

Hubby and I were always making comments to each other before his PTSD hit. Full of innuendos and the rest. Now sometimes they don't sound the same, as they used to.

Last night he made a comment, which was way out of context, to what we had been talking about. So much so I actually pulled him up about it, and it embarrassed him when I explained why.

After a bit of a row a while back he made advances, I walked away telling him I did not reward behavior like that.

So your not on your own, your not the first and you will not be last to feel this way.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Toria))), not a prude and please don't feel embarrassed to show your face. As others have said it may be insecurity issues.

How would he react if you said something I used to say to my girls. Which was 'I love you very much but when you say things like that I don't like it'.

I can't add anything else, just wanted you to know you have my support
KP

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Toria, I don't know what he had in mind, but it clearly upset you. So, either mis-communication on his part (if he had in mind that your response would be to fall into total lust... he needs a new strategy!) or he is just saying whatever comes into his mind unedited (in which case he should learn the "pause" button out of consideration for you) or he is trying to make you uncomfortable - which needs to be dealt with pronto. I like the simplicity of KP's statement, and it might help to figure out what is going on with him when he says that stuff. Could you just ask?:confused:

I admire your courage in posting this! I so TOTALLY get your reluctance...

 

[Sunshine71]

Hi Toria

There are some great answers here and I have learnt as always too.

I wouldnt like comments like that - I am not a prude either but I have seen changes in my hubby and sacastic or near the marks comments and I KNOW that it is PTSD related. I think that sometimes he feels angry and this is how it is vented.

Hubby made a near to the mark comment a few backs and infront of my sisters and my dad. This isnt him and I knew that is I said anything it would have flared up.

KP's the Nut's comment 'I love you very much but when you say things like that I don't like it'. is spot on and one that I will make use of.

I hope that things have got better for you Toria.

With love Sunshine
x

 

[Toria]

Thanks guys :oops: :p

I can't say that it has changed, but the way that I have been dealing with it has - in a way. It now goes in to my ears as one thing and I change it in my brain to "I love you" and it helps... a bit. KP - I haven't been able to bring myself to confront him with your words yet, but with a fortnight together coming up over Christmas there is still time!!!

Eleanor, your words did strike a chord, when you say that he is trying to make me uncomfortable. I did wonder - and then hated myself for it after - if it was some sort of pay back for not responding to it in the first place. But I'd maybe rather not go there...

*blush* :roflmao:

 

[KP the nut]

(((Toria))), wishing you both peace over the holidays.

 

[Mrs. T]

Just wanted to say thanks. Didn't realize how common off color comments is with ptsd sufferers. My husband has gotten himself into trouble with his "jokes". He's a funny guy and I used to always get his jokes, but recently he may say something that I don't like and he claims it was a joke. Not funny, and I'm often confused about how he thought it was a joke. Anyway, thanks everyone, this helps me too.

 

[MusicLover]

WOW!!!!!!!! so I feel the same way about comments made to me like that. I some times process it like "I'm just a piece of meat" in a way...and I know that's a bad way to see it but it would make me feel that way. BUT I think that has to do with me being sexually abused as a child.
Thank you Toria for posting and everyone for responding.:-)