Emdr Post-poned Due To Fear Of Feeling...

[FindingMyself88]

Soooo, today was a very anxiety provoking session! It's been two VERY long weeks since I've seen my T. I told her about me talking with Mama G and Daddy S about everything and how I broke down crying and was in shock when they showed such intense emotions. I told her how for the rest of that weekend I was very emotional and anxious. She said that was actually a release and a good thing. I figured she would say that. What I was NOT prepared for is for her to ask me what emotions came up…there was too many! She asked me to name one, so I said sadness.

She then asked me to try something with her. She wanted me to "sit" with the sadness, to accept it. Instantly my wall went up! She saw it and tried to talk it down by telling me I was in a safe place where I would not be judged, but it didn't work. We tried for several minutes to allow the wall to come down, even tried using some scented oils. We then stopped with sadness and tried happiness, in which she had to provoke by asking me about Bristol. That went a little better.

She says that she wants to post-pone EMDR for a few more sessions and work on getting me comfortable with feeling any emotions. She said because emotions are going to come up with EMDR and she doesn't want me to automatically dissociate. So I've been given mindfulness homework to allow myself to feel any emotion that comes up. We did talk about the anger that came up when my mom went to hit Bristol. She told me that that form of anger was not a bad thing, I was entitled to it.

So overall I am frustrated with myself, because I was ready to start EMDR. Plus I am honestly nervous about these next few sessions. I was able to tell her it was really awkward for me and she is understanding. I trust her, thats not really the issue.

I dunno, I just can't seem to allow the emotions to come up. Has anyone else dealt with this? If so, how did you overcome it? She said that the emotions will be less intense than the anxiety I feel, or they at least will not last as long. I just don't know….

 

[Changing4Best]

I couldn't cry for a long time. I cried one tear out of one eye when my husband died, one also when my mom died (the 2 closest people to me). Then when my daddy died it was finally too much and 3 days later I burst into sobs in church and cried for 20 minutes. I got kicked out of that church by the pastor for being a disturbance to all the other members. So I joined another church, didn't like that one either and then found one that I did like and I still attend it. Sometimes you will l find that people cannot accept your emotions and this may be why it is later hard to feel them. That is just a guess on my part which you may take or leave, depending upon whether it is true or not.

I am not usually an emotional person, I have a long fuse, so to speak, but when it blows, watch out! You don't want to be in the line of fire. I've only lost my temper a few times in my whole life and I am almost 60 now.

I have never really tried to feel emotions, for me it is hard, so I can sympathize with you on that one. No one has ever told me to feel them either, so that is a new Idea to me. Trouble is, I would have no idea where to start! I don't really know how to feel them purposefully!

 

[ButterflyBean]

I could have written this exact post myself! I am having such a hard time letting my emotions come, even though I know they need to! I'm hoping there will come point where they have nowhere else to go, so I will have no choice. For me, I have a wall up because of fear surrounding invalidation, minimization, being seen as dramatic and/or attention seeking. I don't have any advice, but I do want to tell you that you're definitely not alone! Please private message me if you want to talk about this further! Sometimes having someone to understand exactly where you are is what you need to move forward, and that I can do for you!

 

[FindingMyself88]

@SheilaKathy I have never "lost it" or blew my fuse so to say in an angry way. Anger has always been a very UGLY emotion for me, which my T kind of clarified something for me today. What I have thought of as anger was actually dysfunctional shows of rage by my parents. I have always held things in which has led to my habit of living in dissociation, or I had a complete breakdown, which has happened twice now.

No one has ever told me to feel them either, so that is a new Idea to me. Trouble is, I would have no idea where to start! I don't really know how to feel them purposefully!

I don't either! Thats why I told my T it felt awkward!! When I have let down my wall before and felt something, it was because something triggered it or the emotions just spilled over. My T said this is healthier than holding it in, but it's my bodies way of a last resort. She said I need to learn to feel the emotions as they come, notice them, and accept them. She said it would be a lot less intense.

@HollyBeans27 Thank you for the encouragement! It's hard to just sit and let them come, but that is what I will be doing in therapy for the next 2 weeks :/. Joy! :banghead:

I'm hoping there will come point where they have nowhere else to go, so I will have no choice.

That is what is basically happening to me. My T said that while this "gets the job done", I need to learn a new way of living. She said by feeling and accepting my emotions, I will begin to feel alive again.

For me, I have a wall up because of fear surrounding invalidation, minimization, being seen as dramatic and/or attention seeking.

Some of my wall is built because of that. My old youth pastor would tell me I needed to quit being in a pity party, that others have been abused, abandoned, etc before. However, what she doesn't realize is for my whole life growing up, I was never allowed to genuinely be upset and comforted. My dad was abusive, my mom a selfish borderline mother. Everything was about her, even my pain. I couldn't show fear in front of my dad. When I found church, I thought that was my outlet, but turns out it just helped me build the wall higher in some ways. Not everyone of course.

Thank you for the offer, and the same is here for you too! My "homework" to do before I see her Thursday is to try to feel a happy emotion. So I am gonna try to feel "happy" about getting back into school this semester! We shall see how this goes...

 

[KwanYingirl]

@FindingMyself88
I had pretty much the exact experience with my therapist. He said I'm still too dissociative and it's his responsibility to "first do no harm". We ended up starting all over because I was just so disappointed about delaying EMDR.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I'm glad to know we have some of the same wall! Although I'm sorry it happened to you, it definitely helps to know that we are not alone! As far as your homework, I know it is mindfulness, so you are supposed to pay attention to how you feel, but don't force the emotions. If you get stuck, focus on the fact that you can't feel anything. That in itself in a form of mindfulness even though there isn't any emotion tied to it exactly.

I know your therapist wants you to be able to sit with emotions the next two weeks, before starting EMDR, and that is understandable. EMDR has helped me release emotions that I didn't even know existed; it has been the only way for me to get in touch with my emotions, so there is hope! My problem is that I actually want to feel something and can't; like I really want to cry, but the tears won't come, which is incredibly frustrating on it's own!

Let me know how you do with your homework and we will both go from there! Thinking of you! It's nice to know I have a partner in crime so to speak! :-)

 

[FindingMyself88]

@KwanYingirl I am trying to be more accepting of it today. I trust my T very much and I know she has my best interest at heart.

@HollyBeans27 It does help when you know you are not alone! Thank you for sharing :). Yeah, she did tell me not to push, but just to sit and notice whatever I feel and where I feel it in my body.

She said that EMDR would bring up emotions, so she isn't worried about that happening. But what she doesn't want happening is that when those emotions come up, she doesn't want my wall shooting up and me dissociating. I can so relate to wanting to cry at times, but even in that I am afraid of the feelings that will come with it!

Thank you so much! It is SO nice knowing I have people who I can talk to and understand! Today has been CRAZY busy, I am just getting home so I think in a few minutes I might try to work on "feeling" some things once I've relaxed a bit!

 

[Tinyflame]

I think gratitude (for me) helps with happiness, but then anxiety interferes with gratitude, etc. It's all so very complicated. :( All I know is in one of those lists of 100+ emotions I can maybe think of 10.

I don't know, I wasn't raised to look at stuff this way, I don't or can't change my way of 'surviving' easily , there was always crises to get through etc , stuff to get done. And now, I can't afford to fall apart as I have responsibilities to meet, there is no safety net.

I wish you the best @FindingMyself88 :hug: . Thinking & looking at sweet Bristol would probably contribute to feeling happy. :) :inlove:

 

[FindingMyself88]

I don't know, I wasn't raised to look at stuff this way, I don't or can't change my way of 'surviving' easily

I can so relate to this! In fact I told my T basically the same thing yesterday. Thank you @Junebug and yes, Bristol does make me very happy :). In fact she woke me up this morning attacking me with kisses and wanting to play lol.

EMDR is not as postponed as I thought it was going to be. We start Tuesday. Yesterday we discussed my trying to feel happiness and then she told me she wants me to really work on mindfulness meditation, focusing on my breath and the moment. She also suggested me to look up and think about trying yoga. I will probably do a post about that later.

We are going to go very slow she said and anytime she even thinks I'm becoming overwhelmed, she will stop and we will ground. She is very sensitive and intuitive to my body language and can normally tell when I am starting to dissociate or panic.

So here goes nothing! I will probably update here on Tuesday or Wednesday how it goes.

Hope everyone has a good and safe July 4th!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Good for you FindingMyself88 I get the same advice from my therapist re: mindfulness, yoga and grounding. The yoga has helped me feel less anxious and breathe and relax.