Relationship Emergency Service Ptsd Different ?he's Gone But Fine To Others

[horizons]

Christmas eve and I'm trying to make sense of what has happened the last few days. Partner is a firefighter. Triggered Monday by a car accident, disappears when I get home Tues afternoon. I panic, and it's 5 hours before i get a text saying he needs to "work out what he wants". Usually he leaves me with a rage, so on the positive this time he felt it coming. Here's what I don't get - it's Christmas...we did NOT argue, everything was loving...i received a text to say he didn't know what he wanted and it wasn't fair he was hurting me and that I deserved someone better who could love and support me better.

I hear on the grapevine that he is at work (he always becomes obsessed with his firefighting role when he is triggered at the expense of his other job, our own business)
I notice he is on facebook and posting photos of horrific car crashes, one after the other. This he claims is the way to stop everyone speeding. He soon has close to 100 followers. I worry because to me this is contrary to what he ought to be doing to heal - how can it be positive to find and post photos of the very things that trigger him ?

He also states publicly that he has PTSD because of these people who speed - something he is guarded about mentioning publicly because he doesn't want to risk his firefighting position.
He has ceased all communications with me. His firefighting friends see him working, partying and drinking with them, there is nothing wrong with him. How is it that these fellow workers are so oblivious to the symptoms ? How can he ignore me at a time like this (christmas was just going to be the two of us so no stress) but laugh and party with others and work as though there's nothing wrong?

Is it common for someone who's been triggered to become obsessed with the very thing that triggers them? He puts up with nightmares, lack of sleep, flashbacks...yet he manages to function perfectly well at work, but refuses to communicate with me who he claims to love? Can someone shed some light on this please....I was here regularly 18 months ago, I thought these times were over....struggling to hold myself together but also determined to set appropriate boundaries this time.

 

[john1963]

Hi Hoirizon it's sad for me to read your posting, as it reminds me of all the pain and hurt that i did to my own loved ones.

My meaning of PTSD is People That Suffer Deeply.

You can not do a blood test, or any other type of lab work to test if you have PTSD like you can with cancer.

It is by our actions and how we behave, and treat our self , and others. Can one determine how much pain we are in. The more he suffers, the more he will push you away, and say things to hurt and piss you off.

So the good news here, is you did not earn the pain you have from him. You need to take care of your self FIRST.

Get back to the forum, every day. Read and learn, and i promiss you will get better. With luck he will find this site through you. He needs to start his own journey of healing on his time, and terms. All you can do is love him, and show him postings from the forum. He is not the only firefighter with this illness. Look around and show him that with love, that he is not alone.

Have a loving Christmass, and my hat off to you lady. He is a lucky man, tell him I SAID SO lol

 

[horizons]

Thank you John..this is one of the hardest days of my life..but i did come here more than a year ago and it helped a lot...will do the same again. Thank you for your explanation

 

[Rick Smith]

Good morning Horizons, would it help if he got on this forum to see the pain he is causing you? Maybe others like myself could assist him in getting through his PTSD.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after 30 plus years of seeing death throughout my career. I had no idea that the 2 hours of sleep, night tears and hyper vigilance were all apart of my disease.

I will make precedence this year by retiring with an industrial injury. Not the way I wanted to go out but non the less it's what needed to happen. Not only for the sake of myself but my firefighter and my wife and children.

Have your husband come aboard and "let it out".

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((Horizons))))))))

Former paramedic and EMS Instructor, here.

I am very sorry for all the suffering you have endured. None of it is your fault.

I hope you can discount all the invalidating comments by others around you. I would say that most, if not all of my partners had severe issues and negatively affected our families.

Few who go into that job seem to come out unscathed by the sheer volume of trauma. It can be ongoing, and I do find few in my life can tolerate hearing the true gore and soul-crushing despair that is a regular part of the job.

Job one is your safety.

Are you seeing a therapist for yourself? Nobody should have to handle a loved one's PTSD alone.

May you find healing for you. I hope your partner finds his way, too, but it truly is best if you seek what you can for yourself.

 

[BloomInWinter]

He also states publicly that he has PTSD because of these people who speed - something he is guarded about mentioning publicly because he doesn't want to risk his firefighting position.
He has ceased all communications with me. His firefighting friends see him working, partying and drinking with them, there is nothing wrong with him. How is it that these fellow workers are so oblivious to the symptoms ? How can he ignore me at a time like this (christmas was just going to be the two of us so no stress) but laugh and party with others and work as though there's nothing wrong?

This is typical 'can't let myself think about it' addiction behavior, sounds like. When I was in it...far too many distressing experiences to handle so the addictions were a good way of self-medicating.

Another's alcohol use, partying, acting out has truly nothing to do with you. It is not your fault, you can not control it, you are not his cure.

The 12 Step group Al-anon has helped many, including me, help detach the trajectory of my recovery from the addicts/alcoholics in my life. I highly recommend it...you'll find quite a few spouses there, or parents of acting-out grown/teen children.

An active alcoholic/addict will not begin to be able to face anything else, such as PTSD, until he hits bottom, gets sober, and the active disease is in remission.

All we can do is save ourselves and hopefully be in a better place when they are read to ask for our help.

Focus on your recovery (alcoholism is a family disease) and you will likely help him more than you realize.

Best wishes to you in your healing....

 

[horizons]

Thank you for your comments, it's nice to hear from others in the emergency services. I've tried and tried to point him to this forum but he simply won't check it out. I think there would be a better chance if there were more emergency services workers here. His employer organisation is geared towards denial of ptsd, so even though symptoms are starting to show at work, they just let it go. He's refusing to talk to me and is heading for rock bottom. I just hope he survives this. I'm learning to look after me...it's all I can do...

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Horizons)))))

EMS is well-known for it's unhealthy workplace structure and demands. It is difficult even under the best of conditions to be in the career for the long-term.

While our traumas & memories may be very outside the realm of human experience the feelings about them are the same as anyone else. Grief, loss, despair, frustration, etc.....and so is the path to healing from it. We are far more the same than we are different.

The very first step of any healing that is to take place is recognition that there is a problem. ...and no human being can make another human being see that there is. We do not have any power to do that.

But we can learn to no longer be a tool to be used to enable their journey to self-destruction. We can learn to take care of ourselves. We can work on making our own lives healthy and fulfilling. Through self-care and practice, we can be in a much better place - whether or not they ever choose to seek help for themselves and join us.

All efforts I made over the years trying to 'fix' people's thoughts, beliefs, feelings...behaviors...was a waste of my life's energy.

Now, I put my efforts as I am able to offering assistance if someone asks me for it. I still far too often fall back into 'fixing' others who don't want to be 'fixed' as my ego seems to judge they should - which is a violation of their basic human right to live their own life as they see fit.

I'm working on the co-dependency issues. I've got a lifetime of fixing myself that needs to happen.

Working on my thoughts, actions, beliefs, behaviors....that is my path to healing. That is the only path to healing I have control over.

May you find help in putting down the burden of trying to 'fix' him when he isn't ready to admit he needs help. He is allowed to feel that way, no matter how much we disagree.

But he is NOT entitled to be hurtful, rude, unkind, unsupportive, etc. to you. Not if you decide you aren't willing to put up with it. ...and I hope you decide you deserve better.

Decide what specific behaviors affect your life most negatively, and pick one to work on first. What would it be?

Maybe we can help you find a way to make it better within your sphere of influence. What would you pick to fix, specifically, that causes you the most emotional distress right now?

 

[horizons]

BloomInWinter, I love the way you put things :-) I'm in the helping professions so my "head" is keenly aware of the "shoulds" in this situation. My journey over the last few weeks has been to let go of responsibility and work on "me".

I've already started counselling and met with a new doctor who understands ptsd and was therefore able to explain HIS reactions as "not personal" from a physical (brain) perspective. In the past I've enabled his behaviours thinking I was helping him. It's quite clear to me now that I provided the "buffer" of all the negative stuff resulting from his work.

Right now my man is sleeping in his car, totally focussed on clinging to a workplace that's destroying everything that matters in his life. Not only are the politics surrounding him with bullying and harassment, the daily risk of another triggering incident threatens to send him totally "over the edge".

I am frightened for him. Frightened for me. To watch someone you love self destruct and say "as you wish" is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But it comes down to choice. His choice. My choice is to hold on to all the wonderful things and people in my life. One step at a time. With all the help I can get. He has a choice to join me on this journey. I need to release responsibility and allow him the freedom to choose his own path. That's my focus for now :-)

 

[ronnalee]

Another's alcohol use, partying, acting out has truly nothing to do with you. It is not your fault, you can not control it, you are not his cure.

I have initiated counseling to get help with organizing my thoughts and how I handle me in all this. I too worked in the Emergency Department as a first responder. I have felt for the last several months some type of secondary ptsd symptoms. I know that I want to get well.

Unfortunately, my sufferer does not want to get well.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((horizons))))))

(((((((ronnalee))))))