Sufferer Ex Humanitarian Worker, Medic

[MovingForward]

Hi all,

Like many of you, I have no idea why I came to this site except that it is easier to reach out here than to any friends or family (facades are still a part of the game). I have started EMDR treatment and it is exhausting. I would prefer to delete memories as opposed to integration of these memories, but I understand this is not really an option. I can't sleep and I am both haunted by things I have seen and experienced and yet, will let no one know the full extent as this feels only like burdening others and sharing more trauma with the world. I feel that I am permanently damaged and in being so, continue to put myself in more and more dangerous and potentially traumatic situations to "save everyone" else and further damage any real sense of safety for myself.

A vicious cycle surely....

wishing all of you strength.

 

[Zipperhead]

Welcome out. Where did you serve?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

Your own health is very important. I think, if you take care of your health you then, hopefully you can help more people. As you will have more energy, and more spirit to try. :)

Take care.

 

[Elisacullen21]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[reallydown]

Welcome to the forum! You're in the right place.

 

[VeteranFF]

watching..

 

[ronin47]

Thank you for your service to your fellow man. Yours is a truly Christ like sacrafice. Please PM me anytime you want to talk about anything you want.

 

[Chook]

Hi Moving Forward.

Thanks for joining this special group.

 

[Eleanor]

Welcome Moving Forward! May you find all the help, information and support you need here!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I feel that I am permanently damaged and in being so, continue to put myself in more and more dangerous and potentially traumatic situations to "save everyone" else and further damage any real sense of safety for myself.

I am sorry you are suffering in this most painful way. I completely understand the desire to "save everyone else" as it keeps our own 'stuff' from coming up. You deserve to get better, and to learn to love yourself. It is possible, though very difficult. Be good to you!

Surely you have a big heart if you were a humanitarian, and those kind of hearts don't 'go cold'. It may 'feel' cold in the place you are in your head, but don't give up on yourself. Reach out for help, and fight to get better.

I too felt permanently damaged, but now, after EMDR, and much therapy, I feel I am permanently changed, but not nearly as broken. I think I'm a better 'rendition' of the 'old' me. I still have times that I 'backtrack' to old feelings, but the journey to healing is worth going on.

There is most likely a better 'you' under all the pain, but it's been wounded, and now, needs held and healed.

Welcome to the Forum, I hope you will choose to stay around to learn and share.

 

[MovingForward]

Thanks, everyone for the welcome. I don't fully understand how this forum works but if it can make this feel even an ounce less like we are alone in the universe, then I will take it....

It is night now. Yep, that is the worst time for many, I am sure. I need rest, but my mind has other plans. I find myself staring at the feeling, trying to calm my heart rate, and wondering how I am going to get through the next day smiling, acting confident, and maintaining a basic level of "productivity".... We live in a world of facades and I am truly talented at acting like "things are okay". It is my greatest strength and.... obviously a weakness that has taken a serious toll.

Quite frankly, I also don't really get how the whole recovery thing is supposed to work. Once you know certain things about the world, how in the heck are you supposed to go back to feeling like things are wonderful? Or even neutral? I literally can't wrap my mind around it... negative experiences, sights, sounds, fear, pain are part of this world so how do you wipe them clean? Or even make them less present in your life?

Ignorance truly is/was bliss....

Thanks you again for the welcome. Wishing you all restful sleep.

 

[justLogan]

Welcome. it's good here.

There are others who've done their tours here too.