Sufferer Ex Humanitarian Worker, Medic

[Eleanor]

We live in a world of facades and I am truly talented at acting like "things are okay". It is my greatest strength and.... obviously a weakness that has taken a serious toll.

I hear you, it takes a tremendous toll....

Quite frankly, I also don't really get how the whole recovery thing is supposed to work. Once you know certain things about the world, how in the heck are you supposed to go back to feeling like things are wonderful? Or even neutral? I literally can't wrap my mind around it... negative experiences, sights, sounds, fear, pain are part of this world so how do you wipe them clean? Or even make them less present in your life?

This is a profound question. One that people have been asking since... oh, I don't know people started asking questions I suppose. There is an answer and if it is writable - its beyond me. But I too have felt the world was too awful a place to live in. That I couldn't bear it any more, and if that was the way it was going to be I'd just as soon not. Be, that is. (I grew up in the middle east...and still have strong heart ties there.)
And yet, even with the horrors we visit on each other, and that nature occasionally visits upon us the world is a big place with a great deal of beauty, and harmony and peace in it. That is, FWIW, what it is. For myself I prefer to live in a county with more cows than people, and my household includes more animals than people. I have several people in my life whom I love and who love me. And that is a treasure worth risking much pain for.
You don't go back, you go forward to a new place. The short, and wholly inadequate answer, is that you feel the pain of your experience and then are done with it. You can get to the point where you have the memories and they no longer have you. It is counterintuitive, but all the collective experience on this site says you need to go *through* the memories to diminish their force and get them into their place as memories among others - and that needs doing with a guide. Have you seen a trauma therapist?

 

[Calypso]

Hi MovingForward and welcome to the forum. My diagnoses came after a mass casualty incident where I was one of the first on the scene, the gunfire still rings in my ears. Anytime you want to talk to another Emergecy Medical Pro. I am here. I find it easier sometimes to share with others in the field.

I have since said 'farewell' the the lights and sirens and moved on to other less stressful work which has helped, although the 'worst case scenario' thinking never goes away. I know how it feels to relive one incident over and over in my mind. No matter how much they drill it into our minds, we never can truly separate ourselves from our patients, each of them stays with us, some more profoundly than others.

Feel free to contact me any time. I'll share my story, my successes, my failures.... anything that may be helpful to you I will offer what I can.

In the family of Emergency Services we are all brothers and Sisters.

Take care brother you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[MovingForward]

Thanks, everyone. Not going to lie, this is all ridiculously overwhelming. Has anyone tried EMDR? I have started EMDR and have yet to see significant changes, but I also am struggling with disclosing fully and passing on the trauma to the therapist. Sure, sure, this is their job but all you hear about is therapists suffering from vicarious trauma and this just feels like multiplying the amount of trauma in the world. Why fill someone else's head with the images that haunt you? I know the answer to this- they have support structures, it isn't the same, and it is the only way to heal... but isn't it just passing it on in some way or another?

I don't know. I really don't.

 

[Eleanor]

Lots of experience with EMDR here. Do a search! You'll see. It is one of the "gold standard" treatments - and it does take some time to get relief and it tends to get some worse before it gets better. Line up support for you for the "worse" ASAP. AND is it life altering. It works.

Trauma therapists have heard more than you think. And it is possible to NOT be traumatized by hearing other people's experiences - and if something does get to them it is possible to process it in real time. Mostly, though, they don't get traumatized because they have too much else to think about - they are not living it through you. That's not the point. You might not want to dump it on some unsuspecting ill prepared person - but then you wouldn't want such a person prescribing you drugs or doing minor surgery either! It is within the T's scope of practice - let the T do their job. It's not passing it on. Honestly, it is not.

Nice of you to worry about them. But your job is to worry about you. You will likely find (as most do) that you are really pretty good at reasons NOT to do this - and some of them may even hold some water. AND none of them are sufficient not to do it.:)

Be brave on your own behalf this time. Wishing you much courage and strength of purpose in your healing!

 

[tphillips117]

You sound so much like me. I feel like I'm in so deep, lived this for so long, how is there possibly any way out? No one understands. You feel guilty for hiding it and not sharing it all at the same time. My personal favorite is feeling like someone has it way worse that you do, so what are you complaining about? Those are the things we tell ourselves to not get help. Seeking treatment is a BIG deal. How do you trust someone, when you don't even trust yourself? How do you open up to a stranger when you've worked so hard to hide how you feel, what you feel, what you know?

I just went to a therapist for the first time last Wed. I've tried to talk myself out of going back ever since. There are good moments in your life, when you feel like you can do anything. And then....BAM, that memory will hit, you'll get that adrenaline rush, your heart will beat fast, your hands will shake; maybe you'll feel nauseaous or throw up. Suddenly, you feel desperate. Like you're falling off a cliff and no one is going to save you.

I can relate to your nighttime fears. I've had a fear of the dark since I was a little kid. Everynight at my house (as soon as I get into bed), I hear things. I convince myself that someone is breaking in. I get up to check--nothing. Back to bed. Then I might think I hear voices, or see a shadow move. Except this time I'm to paralyzed to get up and look. My adrenaline rushes, I can feel my heartbeat in my finger tips, and my body shakes. I'm convinced that someone is going to come in and shoot me.

When I drive is probably the most scary time for me. Ever driven somewhere, been so deep in thought, only to discover that you have no idea how or when you got to your destination? I've even gotten out of my car and looked at it, hoping that I didn't have an accident and just didn't notice. I've even driven somewhere, only to realize that I have no idea where I am. I've been mindless driving for 30 minutes past where I was supposed to go before I realized it.

How about the memory problems? I have to keep post-it notes everywhere to remind me of my life. I'll have conversations with people and forget entirely that they ever happened. Or I'll be talking to someone and then they'll say "you know what I mean?" and I'll say "Oh, yeah, totally", but you were in your own head and have no idea what the person said.

It's like being imprisoned in your mind. It's horrible. Awful. It's makes me sad, crazy, paranoid, and hopeless. Sometimes, I wonder...it this worth saving?