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AutumnBreeze
I am relieved to find a group that understands what I’m going through, and I’m surprised it’s taken me so long to get here. But, here goes. I had a life threatening seizure at work last month. All tests are normal. Once again, I‘m being told to get therapy for panic attacks. I had no idea you could have a seizure and stop breathing from PTSD. But I guess I did. Scared my coworkers to death, and now I can’t drive. I can’t find a therapist in my area who offers CPT therapy. It’s all CBT and that is not going to work, and I just don’t know how I can make it through the holiday shut down alone. I am just reading Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, in which he suggests this forum. So here I am. I am already seeing familiar themes, so I am hopeful I can at least feel connected here. I seem to be in a major regression at the 5 year mark following my 2nd divorce. My dad was the verbally abusive son of an alcoholic father and paranoid schizophrenic mother. My sisters and Mom don’t hold jobs. I have always been the strongest one, until now. I pushed too hard to get over the betrayal of my porn addicted spouse. We were friends two years before out 10 year marriage. I need to stop seeing it as black and white. It wasn’t 100% a lie. But I just can’t seem to process it. He was getting worse and I had to leave. It wasn’t safe. But being alone again is so painful to me. I need to really work on my inner critic. I am my own worst enemy, for sure. And I’ve been isolating for 5 years. Trusting again seems pointless now. I know my thinking is wrong. I’m just stuck in circles. I’m looking forward to trying something new here, trying to be hopeful.