Relationship Is this his ptsd or have i been living a lie?

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Fancy Dancy

New Here
I was holding my breath reading this. I'm glad you're okay. My severe PTSD is from a "military man", whose episodes drive him close to murder.

Remember: YOU are NOT responsible for HIS feelings. YOU are responsible for YOUR feelings, and how you choose to react and respond. Same goes for him. YOU don't make him miserable. To tell a spouse "You make me miserable" is manipulative- red flag.

You are also responsible for your children, and for your and their safety.

My internal alarm bells are going off. Luckily my ex was only able to hold his trainwreck back for a year before it came out. And as he got more and more volatile, I excused it because of his trauma.

Disorders, syndroms, and diagnoses are NOT excuses for toxic behavior and abuse. Do NOT excuse him because of what he's been through. He may need help, but if he's hurting you physically, emotionally, or psychologically, you're not the one whose going to be able to help him.

My ex reached a point where he could no longer avoid directing his self-hatred at me. His words were always "It's you", but I know that I did no wrong against him. He was talking, likewise, to a early 20's gal (with severe autism, I found it manipulative and disturbing). I found photos (not nude, but still 'sexy') on his phone of her, she called him constantly, texted constantly, and actually would call MY phone if she couldn't reach him. He started disappearing when not working and I know in my heart he was sleeping around. There was another gal, too, from his work. He started falling into porn addiction, started spreading ridiculous lies about me, accusing me of stealing and cheating on him, and just generally being an insane human being; all in conjuction with sexual abuse, controlling behaviors, and mounting threats of physical violence.

All of his issues were rooted in self-hate. He's a sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, wife-beater, and many other toxic things. It's not his PTSD that makes him be this way. It's all rooted in self-hate. No one made him like this. No one caused him to be like this. Just as you have not caused your husband to feel this way, to want to kill himself, to want to kill you. YOU are not the problem here.

Anways, that's what my emotions want to stress.

I personally am of the disposition these days of "you don't owe anyone anything, if they're being toxic, get out- now."

I can't put myself in your shoes; a long-standing marriage with children. But I can put myself in the shoes of a woman trying to love a broken man, trying to save him, trying to excuse him, and ending up severely broken from it myself. It's been 7 years since I left and I still have rdebilitating PTSD from the things he did. I should've left at the first sign of violence. I should've let when his episodes of screaming started. I shouldn't have excused him or thought I could somehow pull him through it.
 

Fancy Dancy

New Here
The only advice I can see if to set BOUNDARIES here.

If you really hope he can pull through this, do NOT let him abuse and manipulate another second of your lives.

Get out, stay somewhere safe, and give him an ultimatum.

He should go get counseling alone. YOU aren't causing the problem, he needs to do some serious soul searching, not pointing a finger at you in front of a therapist and blaming it all on you.
You likewise should see a counselor/therapist/etc. You need to work through this, but since this issue is NOT a mutually instigated problem, I don't see how couples counseling will help.

Do NOT reciprocate him until you see positive, long-lasting, and stable changes in his behavior. He is volatile. I empathize with your concern for his safety and life, but as we all have said, yours and the childerns' needs to be guarded as well.

Mental health is definitely a factor here, yes, but someone seeking mental health support needs to take it into their own hands. No one can heal their mind for them. He has to make a change. And suicide threats, as grave and serious as they can be, can also be a tool of manipulation. Even if the feeling and urge is serious, someone unstable like he is can easily use it to make others do what he wants; and it sounds like that is happening. If he has pushed his BFF away, he's crying out for attention and help, he's self-sabotaging. And that's a maelstrom to try and enter into if you think you can help him through it.

Maybe you can find someone, even one of his buddies, to safeguard him, put out a "suicide" watch, but don't undertake that yourself.

***This is all just my opinion. You know what's ultimately best for you :)
 
T

TTinKKerBell

EveHarrington, most of the time I agree with your advice. Except this time. This ^^^ could get someone seriously hurt (or even killed). I can't stress enough how dangerous this could be. It already is dangerous IMHO. Hoping everyone is safe tonight!

Ditto ! Ditto !! Ditto !!! EVERY thing said here by EACH and EVERY poster with the exception of EveHarrington. Under many circumstances Her suggestion might be a plan, but not in this instance. The 24 year old girl is not Your issue, and She is not the one who betrayed You - I know You're hurt by that but You cannot risk confronting Her. I am as alarmed as all the Others that He threatened You and that concern was very well articulated by EveryOne here !! That being said, most of all I would hope You will take the advice of Never_falter. She's absolutely correct !! He's shown HimSelf to be unpredictable in a very dangerous way !! Be Safe, Keep You Children Safe. I Am So Very Sorry For Your Situation !!
 
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EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
Ditto ! Ditto !! Ditto !!! EVERY thing said here by EACH and EVERY poster with the exception of EveHarrington. Under many circumstances Her suggestion might be a plan, but not in this instance. The 24 year old girl is not Your issue, and She is not the one who betrayed You - I know You're hurt by that but You cannot risk confronting Her. I am as alarmed as all the Others that He threatened You and that concern was very well articulated by EveryOne here !! That being said, most of all I would hope You will take the advice of Never_falter. She's absolutely correct !! He's shown HimSelf to be unpredictable in a very dangerous way !! Be Safe, Keep You Children Safe. I Am So Very Sorry For Your Situation !!

Ok.....please read my later response.

No need to freak out, Tink.

I explained why I said what I said.
 
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