Explaining The Term "survivor"?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I just wanted to know how others feel about the term survivor. I would like to point out before I go on that I do not have a problem with other people using the term survivor about themselves or others. I will even accept them using it towards me.

In relation to my own situation, I find the word a little distressing and more than a little irritating. The people who abused me did not want to kill me, they didn't want my scars to be visible, or for me to break completely. They wanted someone who would serve their purpose and would not give them away - I know they were manipulative and took pleasure from it, but if I had died all that would have changed is they would have lost their play thing and possibly been caught by the police.

In this situation then, I did not survive. They got what they wanted, as often as they wanted. Their intent was not to kill, instead my body suffered, my mind shattered and if I believed fully in the existence of souls, then I believe mine would have been blackened and twisted. It would have been kinder to kill me, but they left me alive again for their benefit. How can someone say that this is surviving?

In terms of Rape, I presume that most of perpetrators do not want to kill the person, they either want some sexual gratification, power, feeling of control, or all three. They may even want to hurt that person, but do they really want to kill you?

See to me the definition of surviving is to escape a life threatening event, whether that is a natural disaster, war, murder attempt, road accident, torture with the intent of murder or accident involving a risk upon ones life. So to me, to be alive after something which although may have been designed to cause you infinite amounts of pain, mentally and physically, but NOT designed to end your life, is just being on the other side of the event(s), the way your abuser(s) had meant you to be.

Am I getting this all wrong? Is survivor meant to mean something different? What does survivor mean to you?

Thanks in advance
AJ
xx

 

[p-no]

Hi AJ,

I think this sums it up nicely:

The term survivor is sometimes used for a living victim, even of usually non-fatal harm, to honor and empower the strength of an individual to heal, in particular a living victim of sexual abuse or assault.

Source: Wikipedia


In my view, it can well have a connection to survival as opposed to death, but the above is what it means to me and what I have learned it to mean in a context with people who were sexually abused.

There was a time when I felt and was a victim rather than a survivor. The term survivor for me illustrates that I am not a victim anymore because I have taken my life and all the experiences that are part of it in my own two hands to turn it into something good for me.

Hope this helps.

 

[The Albatross]

Really? You did not survive? I did. Not in the way I would have liked or preferred granted, but I did manage to continue to breathe through the assaults. I changed it briefly to "overcomer" but am past that now. There is a recent thread on this, discussions I think.

 

[Springer80]

Hi,

Personally I have an issue with it because I don't wish to be forever defined in relation to the past and especially the negative past. I'm reaching a point where soon I won't need a term to because I will have resolved most the effects the trauma had on my life.

There are books on this, one is Beyond Survival and another is Survivor to Thriver....
The medical and psychiatric professions are caching up looking into Post Traumatic Growth (PTG).

 

[Pencil]

I just realized that I've never used any of those terms to refer to myself.

 

[EarthToSamantha]

People always tell me that I am a survivor, and for a while I had trouble with it as well. Just because you're still breathing does not mean you necessarily survived because your life has forever been altered, and some the things that were a part of you did die...so I get where you're coming from.

But after a couple of years, I started to use the term survivor for myself because it's the simplest way to sum everything up. No, I'm not the same person I was. No, the pain caused was not meant to kill me, but to torture me for satisfaction. No, nothing will ever be the same. But yes, I am persevering through everything. I'm surviving. Maybe you haven't reached that point, and maybe it's just not a term that you'll ever enjoy using. It's up to you, and only you.

If people call you a survivor its just because they admire that one person could have overcome so much--much more than any person should be ever called to handle, or maybe it's because "victim" is a scary word...either way, we're in a category all our own, and people will never understand.

I hope you're able to find some peace.
Take care!

 

[Emma13]

I use survivor as a descriptive term more than a "what I really am" term. It bothers me to call myself a "victim", but at the same time I don't feel like I am a true survivor.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Hope this helps.

Thank you Prime-No, your post did help me understand a little better, as did that quote, however I do not feel empowered by it, rather I feel guilty and ashamed that I can't be as strong as other people who have been hurt and very much misunderstood.

Really? You did not survive?

Maybe I just have a lot more to learn and grow. But I was victimised, I was chosen because of my inability to fight back, my susceptibility to manipulation and lack of understanding of what was happening to me - I was easy prey. I'm not victimised any more, but I am damaged psychologically and physically. The intent was never to stop my breathing, it was to take from me what ever I had that they wanted.

To have survived that, I would have had to have escaped before my mind died and split to protect me. I am broken, changed forever - sure I'm breathing but the cessation of my breathing was never the desired outcome.

Then again I do not know how I would have liked to have felt afterwards. I don't know hypotheticals just what is and what is not.

Personally I have an issue with it because I don't wish to be forever defined in relation to the past and especially the negative past. I'm reaching a point where soon I won't need a term to because I will have resolved most the effects the trauma had on my life.

My past was negative, whether I resolve my trauma or not. Being told I have survived when I cannot cope with anything, I cannot function normally or that I'm safe now even though my abusers live within half a mile of me and I could bump into them any time I go out feels far more negative that admitting I'm not doing well. As it happens where I stand I don't even know if I have resolved anything or how I could. I'm desperately awaiting therapy and all the help it will bring, but I am confused. Maybe I'm trying to run before I can walk, but I need to escape fast.

I've never used any of those terms to refer to myself.

I must admit, perhaps though because of my feelings of guilt, that I feel I never was a victim and for the same reason don't feel entitled to be called a survivor. I know that's not rational - just as I know that my guilt is not rational. I feel I must have asked for it in some way, I was already damaged so why not, that it was all I deserved, that I was not important enough for my feelings to have counted and the list goes on. Despite knowing that it wasn't I feel very much as if I caused this, that I could have stopped it if I really wanted to, I let it happen again and again, so I must be to blame.

I read all everyone's said, I take it in and I'm aware I appear to be rejecting it, maybe I am. I don't understand. But thank you. Keep them coming, maybe something will make some sense. I don't know. But thanks.

AJ
xx

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Wow! Thanks EarthToSamantha, that really made a lot of sense, again I don't feel that I've overcome anything either but I shan't nitpick as everything else rang true.

Thanks Emma13, maybe what the definition of a word is doesn't really matter, but why people use it does.

I am determined to force some positive on my brain!

Thank you both.

AJ
xx

 

[p-no]

Have you had therapy yet? If not, all I can say is I couldn't call myself "survivor" at the beginning either, not that early on. I couldn't even think or feel in those terms. I wasn't a victim either. Maybe I just was and I did what I did, for example start therapy. I had hit rock bottom; there was no other road to take but that. Plus, I didn't see any other roads anyway and the therapy one was pointed out to me when my anxiety levels kept me sitting down most of the time afraid to faint and die the instant I moved.

I think that "survivor" will only come into play once one has realized the having been a victim. At least it was like that for me. The more I came to understand how bad the abuse really was, the more I could see how wow I must have been to, yes, survive it, go on living, that is, to come to a place in life when I could finally take control.

 

[The Albatross]

I consisdered surviving "still breathing". It took me a while to get over that. I did not get the impression that any of "me" died. Though I have no concept of "before trauma".

 

[Springer80]

I am determined to force some positive on my brain!

How about allowing yourself o feel some compassion for all the horror your body and heart have been through. Positive brain stuff will follow accordingly. :hug: