Facing Irrational Fears And Accepting Love Again

[Mindiface85]

I've recently had to face just how dead I've felt on the inside for a very very long time. I'd hidden so much pain and worthlessness for so long I actually hadn't even realized it was there.

See, I was raised that you should just always be ok and keep going, shrug off the bad. So I masked all of the depression and lifelessness I'd felt and pretended I was "ok" for so long I actually believed it! I never dealt with my feelings or any of the horrible things that happened to me in the past, I just acted like it had never happened. I realize now you can't really move on from anything until you face it, deal with it, and learn what you can from it to use today.

Anyways, almost 7 months ago, I met someone who can only be described as genuinely good-hearted and great. We weren't even technically a "couple", but I can't even call it a friendship because it was way beyond that. He truly cared about me, helping me to become the wonderful person he saw inside, helping me face my demons and be myself. And all he ever gave me was love, respect, honesty, compassion - as well as working his butt off to present to me all the tools I could possibly need to find myself and learn to let myself out and love myself. He might as well have just laid out a 3 mile wide brick road as the path to self-contentment.

Problem was, I couldn't fully accept it. I couldn't get out of my own way to realize that all he asked in return for everything he gave to me was that I be honest and sincere and open my heart up to him the way he did time and time again to me. And I just couldn't. I was so afraid of losing the first person who truly ever cared about me that I couldn't just really accept the love he gave and give it back. I was so scared of seeing all the darkness I'd been hiding for so long that I didn't even put in the work to really face it and work on recovering and moving forward in my life. And I see it now, it feels like I opened the floodgates and everything I held in for over a decade has been rushing out at me, almost feels like it's drowning me. But I'd lied to him, hidden from him, used him for my reason to live instead of putting in the work on myself, and I've lost that trust he'd placed in me. I lost his faith in me. I had the most perfect person in the world on my side to help me through the tough stuff and help me learn to love myself and I just couldn't accept it.

In turn, I majorly disrespected all that he shared with me, showed me, did and would have continued to do simply to be a good person and true friend to me. I've used people to give me some sort of sense of meaning and false happiness for so long. And I hate it. When we parted ways and I had to really face the kind of person I'd been for so long - well I can't even describe how wretched I feel. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to lie or use, I want to learn to accept myself so that should someone great enter my life I can accept and embrace it instead of letting all of these irrational fears hold me back. I don't want to just exist anymore, I want to live. I just don't know how to even be me anymore, I want so badly to be sincere and to be able to show this man just how much it all meant to me (because he feels it was all a waste of his time).

How do you accept and give love when you've been hidden for so long? I feel like I've spent so much of my life trying to be me for someone else, trying to be what I thought I "should" be and not just myself that I'm not even sure who I am anymore. More, now that I've opened my eyes to what I've been through, the assaults, the constant not being "good enough", the worthlessness I've held in for so so long, all I can feel is all that hurt. And I know I'm doing ok by not hiding from it and shoving it aside again, but I don't know how to get through that to be able to feel the good things anymore. My life isn't terrible, I have a great little boy and I had a fantastic friend, my boss is amazing. I just can't seem to feel the good and love I have in my life because it feels like the weight of my past, the things done to me and the things I did to others without even fully realizing it, it feels like it's crushing me.

I hope this made sense, I just... I'm trying so hard not to go right back to hiding and pretending again so it helps to force myself to get it out I guess.

 

[doglover]

I think this is a lifelong choice.

It is a decision to listen for the message of shame and worthlessness - and challenge it. I sometimes visualize my adult self bopping my inner critic on the head or sticking up for my inner child verbally telling the inner critic to can it.

It's a decision we have to remember to make over and over but as we start to do it regularly it does get easier, I hear.

 

[JekaJo]

Mindiface85 I think you are the bravest person I have ever had the honor of knowing. You're post, though terrifying as I am on the cusp of finally facing all of this, gives me so much hope. You are so brave to honestly look at your past and how it has affected you. I have a great deal of respect for you. I haven't even gotten to where you are yet so I don't know when it gets better but you sound so SO strong. I really think you have it in you to fight this struggle and find you. Best of luck! Keep us posted!

 

[littlelostchild]

Mindiface85, wow, it's close to reading about myself, except that I am married and I am trying to figure how to accept the love and compassion that my H has to give. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. I have been cut off from my emotions (similar to you) and since my fall over the emotional cliff, I am trying to learn how to be an emotional being. It is really scary - last week my T and I used the evidence technique to evaluate the statement 'emotions are unsafe'. I came to realize that emotions are not safe or unsafe, good or bad they just are. And I need to learn how to feel them, share them (with someone I trust) and learn from them. It is not easy, but it is beginning to get easier.

I think recognizing that feelings are just feelings was really important for me - not to judge them (at least try not to judge them). Then share them with my H (which is the trust part) has made me feel a little better. It is all in small steps. Intellectually, I am ahead of my emotions - I know what I need to do, what will make me feel better, but it is really hard to do it - to undo the automatic pilot.

If you have a T that you trust, that is really helpful. It has taken me quite a while to develop a trust with my T, but it is finally happening. And, I suspect you are younger than me - it has taken me a number of kicks at this can to finally be ready to confront everything. Being totally at the end of my rope, but I am going to say, if you can get there now - which it sounds like you are determined to do, please do it. Don't wait until you have had more years masking your emotions. I spent 50 years covering up the shame and pain and ugliness and I am having to dig out from under all of that time.

Big hugs Mindiface85, it will be worth the effort - and I agree with Doglover - you have to keep challenging the feelings of shame and worthlessness. At least that is what I am trying to do - create a new auto pilot. Be open to believing we are worthy of love and caring and compassion.