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Faking normal/downplaying ptsd

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I manage really well and have learned to fake it till it’s just part of my life. BUT, when the shit hits the fan, I’m a complete mess and then people know that I have full blown PTSD, suicidal and non coherent. Just a babbling crying mess.

I think it’s just a fallacy that people think if you have PTSD that you’re a druggie, living under a bridge unable to be even part human. That I believe was due to the care that our soldiers “didn’t get” when they came back from Vietnam. They were left to deal on their own and many could not integrate back into society.

Today, we have better help, we’ve learned much more about PTSD and earlier intervention. Therapy and therapist have a much better handle on what helps and what doesn’t and patients are more aware.

I think the biggest thing that stands out for most people with PTSD is the anxiety part of PTSD. In today’s world, that’s not unusual to have anxiety.... Even the so called “normal” people can have anxiety for time to time....
 
I fake it pretty often. Usually it's laughing it off with "the squirrels", or "brain farts", or "no, I'm alright."

Did you know that the greatest, most often-told lie in human history is, "I'm fine"?

I'm not fine. But people don't really want to know how "not fine" that goes, it isn't fair to inflict that on others who have no hand in what happened.

My T knows, but I fake the smile for these are my scars, my battles, my pride. Strength may require being vulnerable around others, but I'll be damned to let anyone see me bleed.
 
I tried the faking it scene for the first 4 decades of my life, as I'd been advised that was the only way to "make it"...and it worked really well..or so I thought..until it didn't....thanks to work/home/family stress that became way too heavy to keep carrying and concealing along with all those masks I wore each day to keep everyone else's discomfort away.

It was a bitch trying to keep up with the facades, though, as I've always been a bad liar. Never was good at poker, either, since my facial expressions tend to speak volumes before i ever say a word. I was very open and honest with my husband about my history of abuse and all the experiences I managed to live through. I felt if he was willing to share his life with me, I owed him total honesty, as I would wish for the same from him. I simply kept going as if I had it all very well under control since I'd managed to make it that far and had a good job, finally had a kind loving mate, was about to be a stepmom, was caring for other family members, etc., etc. I must have finally "made it", it seemed.

I didn't share my issues fully on the job. Ironically, I worked in the mental health/vocational rehab arena for over 13 years where you'd think they'd be the most understanding and compassionate about any struggles an individual would be having. Beep. Wrong answer. I did, however, bring to light some unethical happenings and entered into the grievance procedure to address them according to policy, and it all went downhill at a very rapid speed from there. Entered the medical/mental health arena at that point for "help" and was continually made worse, to the point of being almost bed ridden.

I didn't have a t for most of those years and once I started seeking one, mainly in an attempt to be able to continue to keep up with all the masks to keep pleasing all the people, I was met with very incompatible options that didn't ever fully listen to me or engage in discussion when I tried desperately to share all of the traumatic events I'd experienced, even when presented with the info on paper. I felt like I was stuck in a twisted twilight zone of some sort(still do, actually), especially after working in the same exact field I was trying to get help from for so long.

I won't say everyone I meet, know, and love knows the "true PTSD me" because I can't say with 100% confidence that I even know all of the true PTSD me, yet, as I'm still learning more about my own, and everyone else's, choices that deeply and directly affect(ed) me each day...but I no longer try to desperately hide things for fear of keeping everyone else comfortable, because how comforting can it actually be to live with those perceived "hidden" energies and the effects that come from having to keep it up. It sure as hell wasn't a source of comfort in my childhood home.

It's never been easy or comfortable, by any stretch of the imagination, and sometimes I simply wish I had kept my mouth shut and just continued to blindly and quietly exist as I was, at least I was more accepted/warmly welcomed by most of society...but in a way I'm grateful I broke down and couldn't hang with "the untrue PTSD me" anymore because that's a whole lot of energy I've been able to redirect and reassign to more nurturing activities/thoughts. It's heavy shit to carry, that's for sure...hats off to those who can healthily handle the load.
 
My personal opinion is that normal is a range that is defined by social norms/acceptability/expectations etc. Within that framework each individual has their own "normal", so when a disease disrupts an individual's ability to function whether it is within the framework of social or individual norm, it can cause distress.

nobody knows the PTSD you,

I don't have a "PTSD me", there is only "me" and I happen to have PTSD. I do my best to manage and control my PTSD symptoms, regardless whether in public or private as to lessen my own distress. I can force myself to function "normally" but the discomfort is internal and the degree of that discomfort does impact my ability to function effectively.

I think for each person the impact and the degree of severity of symptoms within each of criterion can vary greatly. Not only on an individual basis, but at various time in their life. Personally, if I met with a mental health professional at this point, I don't know if I would be diagnosed with PTSD, but that is the purpose of therapy and hard work we put into recovery. Doesn't mean I don't have it, just means that I am doing better than I was.
 
This is for all the times I have pretended to be OK. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH X 956321489732054730000000.00000

That did not feel satisfying. Have a good day all I'm going on a long trek to find somewhere I can scream until I'll lose my voice without disturbing anyone. I only just realised how badly I need that.
 
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Honestly I think I have even faked it w my therapist. I have a limited support circle and when they’ve seen me start to crash and burn they started to freak out and I found myself trying to comfort them and minimizing my problems. I’ve noticed it happens in therapy too like if my therapist will make a comment that has nothing to do w me about being tired or overwhelmed I feel I have to act like I’m doing better than I am, if that makes sense.

If it were up to me I’d take my feeling and bury them in a very deep and dark hole in the ocean somewhere but I haven’t found out how to do that yet so...
 
Honestly I think I have even faked it w my therapist. I have a limited support circle and when they’v...
Your therapist tells you she is overwhelmed? My therapist and I have talked about mutual tiredness, but we were meeting at 7 am that day.

I am guilty of walking in and saying “fine” when I am not, but I figure my T knows that already. She seems pretty good at reading me lately.
 
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