Falling Behind, I Care But I Don't Care

[Ice_Fire]

Some of you may know my position with university already if you follow my diary, but for those who do, here's a brief synopsis:

I'm in my second year at university, studying Philosophy and Linguistics/English. I took up Philosophy on a whim to fill my timetable because in Scotland you have to take courses outside your major for two years. Last year, I was so happy to have got into this 'prestigious' university and was full of hope. Thinks quickly went downhill,I'm not used to being 'average' and struggling, but all in all I got through the year and was feeling okay about it. I passed all my classes, except for one because I had a cycling accident and couldn't sit the exam from A&E. I filed for special circumstances and was refused, despite having the records of me being admitted to hospital. Ah well, just an extra course to take next year (now).

So I've started this year on the back foot, with a 40 credit deficit. I passed all my exams at Christmas, but with disappointing grades. I have worked so hard last semester, staying in the library until late at night, starting essays with plenty of time etc. But then I get bad grades and I don't know why. Still passing though so I'm trying to focus on that. But it all came to a head over Christmas and I decided to leave my uni at the end of this academic year. So I applied to the university I want to transfer to and a back-up one. I haven't heard back, which isn't surprising, there's still plenty of time. However, it's disheartening.

I'm at the point now where I have 8 weeks of classes left and then 6 weeks of exams after easter, but I won't be there for most of that time, you just turn up to your exams and that's it. Not long left, hurrah! Trouble is, I don't think I can make it that far. Since I came back after Christmas it has been hell. I am taking the extra credit this semester so I'm in 5 hours (a whole module) a week longer than everyone else. Or at least, I would be if I could find the motivation to turn up. I don't see the point because I'm leaving anyway, but I can't give up completely because I don't have a confirmed place for next year. Not that I know if I could force myself to stay next year if I don't get an alternative place sorted.

I'm in limbo. And throughout all of this I am doing a lot of quite intensive trauma work with my therapist. I'm depressed, exhausted and anxious. I've wanted to give up. I just waste every day, sometimes going to class, sometimes not. Never doing the actual reading or work for anything, just showing my face and writing some notes down in lectures, I haven't followed any of it up with the work expected and required.

My university know about my PTSD and dissociation and the fact I'm in therapy. I'm supposed to not get penalised for missing classes. I'm supposed to get the lecture notes and presentation in advance of the class and I'm supposed to only have to do the compulsory reading and not get marked down for being unable to do the extra. I'm also supposed to be able to have recording equipment for lectures and a special computer programme to organise notes and things. None of this has happened. The uni have got their money from student finance because my PTSD classifies me as a disabled student but I've not seen a penny. I'm also supposed to get 1:1 support from a mental health worked attached to the uni. I've seen her 4 times since September, none of the sessions have been a full hour, in fact one of the sessions was a measly 20 minutes. I've only seen her once since December 9th. Bearing in mind I'm allowed 20 hours worth of support over the academic year, which works out at an hour every other week or 30 minutes weekly...I have seen less that a fifth of her than what I'm entitled to.

All in all I'm desperate to leave, but I'm so jaded and disillusioned that I do not know if I want to transfer or just quit uni for good. I am terrified of next year not being any better. If it turns out to be worse...well, I don't know what I shall do.

 

[Casey_03]

First off, well done for keeping going with this despite all the setbacks and the lack of motivation - I know it's not easy, especially not with PTSD. Can I ask what career you're aiming for after graduating? Is this degree crucial to getting that career? When I was in university, I attached so much significance to it and obsessed over it so much .... only to later realize that the degree was basically meaningless in the real world. All that time spent obsessing for nothing! So if you are really depressed and need to take time out to take care of yourself, I see nothing wrong with that. It sounds like the university has let you down; I don't think you should feel that you let yourself down at all. It's obvious to me that you have been working your butt off. So don't beat yourself up over grades or missing classes -- the university degree should not be what gives you self worth or validates your existence. I would say give yourself some time to think, to really think, about what you want to do further down the line. Taking some time out of uni to get experience in other spheres might help - part time work or volunteering. If your head isn't in the game, it's just not in the game, and maybe it's a sign you should be focusing on other things. Everyone has times like that in life, not just people with PTSD. So I say you do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better, and don't get hung up on temporary setbacks or bad grades. There is just so much more to life than university. Hope this helps in some way.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Can I ask what career you're aiming for after graduating?

That's my biggest problem, I don't really know. I am working towards maybe being a sign language interpreter or something. The degree I've applied to transfer to enables this, but my current one doesn't. So that's one of the reasons I'm switching uni and course. But honestly, I don't know what I want to do. I am terrified that I can't cope with the world of work anyway, not with my mental health as it is. And I'm not sure I am going to get any better. It isn't helping my motivation with life.

the university degree should not be what gives you self worth or validates your existence.

There we are, you've hit the nail on the head. The degree is everything I've worked towards so far and to be doing badly has affected my self-esteem on a huge scale. I feel worthless, pathetic and well, stupid. In the academic sense and the wider sense of just 'being a stupid person'. I know the degree is not what determines this, but it's very hard for me not to view it like that.

 

[Casey_03]

Every time you feel worthless, call yourself out on it -- consciously tell yourself that this is depression and PTSD talking, and it's simply not true. The more often you catch yourself falling into this trap of thinking you're worthless, and recognize it for what it is, the less of a hold it will have on you later. I was just like you in uni; I remember sobbing hysterically any time I didn't get a good enough grade. In fact, I was like that most of my life. School and academics became the only way I found self worth because my family was neglectful and i had nothing else. But I can say that now, years later, I realize how pointless all that worrying was and how different things are in the real world. I don't say that to sound preachy or condescending, I just want you to know that someone who has gone through the same thing as you is saying it does get better and things do change. Honestly, I wish now that I had taken time out of school to deal with my own issues. So if you feel the urge to do that, there is no shame in it whatsoever. Volunteering or finding a job of some kind might help you immensely with self esteem, really anything that gets you to see that there's more to life than grades. Even a new hobby of some kind. In short, i think you just need to spend some time contemplating what you really want to do and looking to see what else is out there.