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False Memories

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@Snowflake - I prefer to think in terms of "inaccurate" memories rather than "false" memories because of the excruciatingly bogus "False Memory Symptom". Don't believe everything you read. In fact, if you find yourself reading something that supports the notion of "false memories", start with the assumption that the "science" is bogus!

Thing about memories is that they so often aren't just a movie playing in our head. Memories have all sorts of extra information that can hang onto them, like emotions, thoughts, body sensations. So, say I have a memory in my head and I'm thinking, "Is this for realsies?" I check out what's going on in my body. Oftentimes there's feelings attached, like fear or nausea, or I can notice sensations like my stomach tightening or a particular smell. That's telling me that the experience that created that movie-memory has simultaneously left other imprints elsewhere in my system. Those bits of extra information are much harder to doubt - even if I have false memories; do I really believe that I have false terror and false jas clenching and false flight response as well? The detail of the memory may be inaccurate, but nausea is nausea, you know?

The other thing that I know for absolute certain when I'm doubting my memories is that I question the accuracy waaay more than any T ever would. That's pretty normal - there's loads of different reasons why we doubt our memories of trauma.

But from where my T sits, "Are these memories true?" doesn't really come into it. They're treating my PTSD, helping 2017 Ragdoll recover and become functional again. Whatever has brought me to their office, they need to help the 'here and now' version of me. If I'm spitting out memories during a therapy session, regardless of whether they're true, false or somewhere in between, my T is concerned with "What do I do with this to heal?" rather than "Is this completely accurate?"

What you remember is the stored version of your perception of the information that your brain was able to take in at the time, which you're looking at through glasses that are coloured by your experiences and knowledge gained since then. So they're not perfect. But they are the "truth", so far as they are your truth, they're what is causing all of the symptoms that you're experiencing, and they're what you need to heal from.

I think at some point, it is important to start leaving behind the protection that denial offers, and accept that this happened. But we don't readh that acceptance overnight, and it is normal (and even healthy) to have these questions in our mind for a while as we adjust to the awful truth - that it's very, very real.
 
For me, doubting that anything really happened has been one of the worst aspects of working with my trauma. My T is very careful never to suggest or prompt, but always believes the fragments that do emerge.

I think that the influence of the proponents of "False Memory Syndrome" has been really toxic for trauma survivors.

Thing about memories is that they so often aren't just a movie playing in our head. Memories have all sorts of extra information that can hang onto them, like emotions, thoughts, body sensations.

Are they perfect memories? No. But I couldn't make up the symptoms, even if there was some kind of benefit in that

I only know bits and pieces nothing makes sense because it's a variety of stuff but no complete memory.

The quotes above ring so true for me - I have the hard evidence of my [sometimes overwhelming] symptoms, but because my memories are fragmentary, and mainly non-visual, I often torture myself with thoughts that I'm "making it up".

Thank you all. This thread has really helped with my raging self-doubt :)
 
Same for me @tontoe. It has been the hardest part and my T does the same.
I sometimes wonder why anyone would make this stuff up. What would be the point? I'm not looking to get anyone in trouble. I'm only looking to get well and handle the symptoms better so I can enjoy life... sometimes that helps. But other times (more often than not) I'm stuck in the what if I'm making it up torturous mindset.
 
My therapist stresses that she believes me. She thinks I'm in denial and until I can accept and believe me then healing will be difficult
 
My therapist stresses that she believes me. She thinks I'm in denial and until I can accept and belie...
Same here. And I wish I could switch off the denial but I can't because of how abstract my flashbacks have been. But not believing myself is my number one hurdle because I often don't believe my feelings are valid or that I'm allowed to have them.
 
I sometimes wonder why anyone would make this stuff up. What would be the point?
yes, @NightSky . That's something my T has often said to me... Logically I know she is right

until I can accept and believe me then healing will be difficult
...and, @Snowflake, I remember now that this is what my T has said in the past when my self-doubt has been overwhelming as it is now...

I wish I could switch off the denial but I can't because of how abstract my flashbacks have been.
...but the denial is so strong, so rooted, and so tied up with what I guess was enforced suppression, that it is sometimes so hard to deal with.

Thank you both. It's good to know I'm not the only one...
 
I have DID and, forever it seems, I've denied most of the memories that my insiders reveal. Some have come back to me in bits-and-pieces but a few - and one in particular - I can absolutely NOT believe happened to me/us. That one thing is so horrific it's just unbelievable.

My therapist and I have talked about this often. He thinks that it is not so much whether the memory is factual or not - or fully factual - but rather how it affects me, emotionally, physically, etc.... What kind of a hold the thoughts and feelings about it have on me. Because that, really, is what gets in the way of my healing. And I notice that now I'm less "obsessed" with whether or not the memories are "real" and I can spend more time on simply learning to work with the feelings and thoughts about the memories, whatever they are.
 
I'm doing EMDR I don't early memory. I only know bits and pieces nothing makes sense because it's a...
Thanks for the post Snowflake.
I have suffered major head injuries and memory is a big time problem for me. Lost memories or false memories seem to me to be a defence mechanism. I question most memories as to weather they are truth. Sometimes I have a memory and other times I don't have that memory. I really think that I do not want to remember them because the pain they have caused me. My memories come also from being told about events that happened and those are the only memories that I have of those events.
So I don't think it matters. The fact that you are carrying around a memory with you and it is causing you grief it is real to you. So know matter what anyone says, just be true to your self, you are who counts. Be good to and trust yourself.
Peace be safe
 
Thank you for introducing this most important subject that, I truly believe, affects so many, and for good reason. God willing, I'm not the oldest one here to remember how the topic of false or implanted memories (as distinct from dissembling akin to malingering) was big-time news during the 1980s and into the 1990s, where it received much attention in the context of child abuse and molestation of children at day-care centers, notably the McMartin case in CA, but others as well. The use of hypnosis and regression therapy in probing young children, together with their being subject to police interviews and cross-examination, gave rise to a class of voluble debunkers, many holding academic credentials in psychology, but individuals who were/are clearly clueless on memory formation. Imagination, and particularly dreams, do distort what some would call factual accounts. However, memory formation and retrieval is a complex process of writing and rewriting the past - one's own past. Conscious retrieval of events in the form of a coherent, ti linear narrative is impossible, for me anyway. But most who haven't the interest, training or inclination, aren't capable of understanding that that giving a full account is going to come off more like Finnegan's Wake than "All Dogs Go to Heaven." Add to that the guilt and shame, self-imposed or earned ... suffice it to say, my own doc is well attuned to the interstices when, apparantly, I just close my eyes, shake my head. Or simply contradict myself. We expect this to mean something, like the scales are going to fall from our eyes. I sincerely hope I'm the exception here, but isn't the case for me. However it was incurred, it's the experience that lingers - the rewiring of the emotional centers of the brain - that in the best of circumstances, for the most healthy people, are difficult to translate into narratives that are just that. Trust your own feelings about your doctors and therapists, as they are there to care for you. Sure, we've all learned the hard way that not all are what they are cut out to be, just as in any profession. I left Wednesday of last week after two hours, then returned early Thursday a.m. feeling mellowed out. I don't recall what keyed it off, but whatever I was asked, seriously, but I completely broke down, I mean, totally lost it. He asked me if I had actually seen anyone killed in the context of the events that gave rise to this latest whatever. After wavering, I admitted that I had not. But it was more like I wanted to say that I couldn't have, that it was impossible. Which is to say, I'd rather be long dead and forgotten than to carry that with me. So, truth is, I'm not sure. And I'm thinking that they'll develop a full picture of, I mean, who assassinated JFK before I'm able to construct anything like an account of what did or what did happen and then, recounting it, pass a polygraph test either way.

My heartfelt sympathies, and please know that you're not alone. Wish I could say more that might actually do some good. Really

With kindest regards,
Tim
 
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