Memory issues from military torture

[JeremiahDenton]

Hello all - I have some lingering memory issues from an episode of military-grade torture I endured some ~8 years ago now (you can check my intro post for more details) and was curious if anyone who has been through something similar can offer advice. I find my working memory is especially impaired, I will zone out at times and fade into memories from my early life, decades ago, or sometimes just stare without realizing hours have passed. I need to discipline my mind again so I can function better.

I am also curious about the techniques they use for such things, as I have no memory of the original incident (but it was confirmed later that it did occur). Thanks.

 

[Sideways]

I find my working memory is especially impaired, I will zone out at times and fade into memories from my early life, decades ago, or sometimes just stare without realizing hours have passed. I need to discipline my mind again so I can function better.

2 strategies that I’m a big believer in:
- practicing your grounding strategies while you’re doing okay (expecting them to suddenly work when we’re not okay is unrealistic). Being good at grounding yourself reliably can be the difference between dissociative episodes that go on and on, and ones that we can effectively bring ourselves out of shortly after we notice it happening
- checking in. As a matter of routine, throughout the day. How high are my SUDS? And how present do I feel in this moment? Creating a habit of checking in gives us better ofds of noticing and being able to intervene when things aren’t okay, before things get too out of hand.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I haven't actually suffered enough as you but I also can zone out for ages at once before realising I'm 'wasting time' as most people like to call it. This has led me to check the clock more often and I'm not happy when people round the answer when I ask, as in say 'half past ten' when it's 10:21 !!! I can't stand that shit

Or course they're not going to tell you the process as it's confidential but it's not surprising they left their test subjects with permanent damage... Do you remember what was the purpose of the experiment?

 

[JeremiahDenton]

Or course they're not going to tell you the process as it's confidential but it's not surprising they left their test subjects with permanent damage... Do you remember what was the purpose of the experiment?

Part of it was probably just to gather data. The full procedure as I understand it was something similar to MKUltra, so I was at one point reduced to a child-like state and temporarily re-programmed. While in this state of heightened suggestibility it seems I was forced to engage in various degrading acts which were filmed and are being sold on the dark web. So financial gain was probably part of the motivation as well, seems like some kind of state-funded trafficking ring.

 

[ruen]

Hello all - I have some lingering memory issues from an episode of military-grade torture I endured some ~8 years ago now (you can check my intro post for more details) and was curious if anyone who has been through something similar can offer advice.

A bit about me before providing tips and tricks so there's some context - my ancestors experienced genocide on both sides of my family resulting in chronic systemic abuse, assault and abandonment being passed down to me.

So during my lifetime of falling through the gaps into repeated homelessness, poverty, abuse, abandonment, victimization and illness I found one thing I could always rely on...myself.

Seeing the bigger picture beyond my human sight has been imperative. The quote "when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change." comes to mind, as does the infamous proton experiment.

Also, everyone has strengths and accomplishments. Writing these down are helpful, as are doing reframes. There are apps that have built-in reframe areas. If you're interested in that, I share them below. The apps are:

1. Unstuck
2. Voidpets Garden

Grief work can also provide a healthy processing structure. The Grief Deck by Adriene Jenik and The Artists' Literacies Institute has many exercises and reflections one can do.

Reparenting may be helpful as well: learning to calm oneself when escalated is empowering, reinforcing one agency over their lives and propigating a lifelong payoff. Centering Cards from the brand 'eboo' provides exercises and visualizations to reset and return.

Finally, routines and rituals provide a north star for one's journey: Doing ten things a day further allows structure without negating freedom, flexibility and growth. I found a couple resources beneficial in this area, an app and book, which I will share below.

The app: Finch
The book: Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey

This is by no means a comprehensive list; the amount of resources today are inexhaustible with leaps being made in all areas from justice to health — not too long ago researchers cured alzeimers in mice. You Can Heal Your Life.

P.S. If you seek more community and knowledge, the online recovery platform 'In The Rooms' has nearly 140 peer-based meetings per week with anything from trauma and recovery, grief and loss, relationships, substance use and mental health and more.

I find my working memory is especially impaired, I will zone out at times and fade into memories from my early life, decades ago, or sometimes just stare without realizing hours have passed. I need to discipline my mind again so I can function better.

I am also curious about the techniques they use for such things, as I have no memory of the original incident (but it was confirmed later that it did occur). Thanks.

 

[JeremiahDenton]

A bit about me before providing tips and tricks so there's some context - my ancestors experienced genocide on both sides of my family resulting in chronic systemic abuse, assault and abandonment being passed down to me.

So during my lifetime of falling through the gaps into repeated homelessness, poverty, abuse, abandonment, victimization and illness I found one thing I could always rely on...myself.

Seeing the bigger picture beyond my human sight has been imperative. The quote "when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change." comes to mind, as does the infamous proton experiment.

Also, everyone has strengths and accomplishments. Writing these down are helpful, as are doing reframes. There are apps that have built-in reframe areas. If you're interested in that, I share them below. The apps are:

1. Unstuck
2. Voidpets Garden

Grief work can also provide a healthy processing structure. The Grief Deck by Adriene Jenik and The Artists' Literacies Institute has many exercises and reflections one can do.

Reparenting may be helpful as well: learning to calm oneself when escalated is empowering, reinforcing one agency over their lives and propigating a lifelong payoff. Centering Cards from the brand 'eboo' provides exercises and visualizations to reset and return.

Finally, routines and rituals provide a north star for one's journey: Doing ten things a day further allows structure without negating freedom, flexibility and growth. I found a couple resources beneficial in this area, an app and book, which I will share below.

The app: Finch
The book: Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey

This is by no means a comprehensive list; the amount of resources today are inexhaustible with leaps being made in all areas from justice to health — not too long ago researchers cured alzeimers in mice. You Can Heal Your Life.

P.S. If you seek more community and knowledge, the online recovery platform 'In The Rooms' has nearly 140 peer-based meetings per week with anything from trauma and recovery, grief and loss, relationships, substance use and mental health and more.

Thanks, that's some very thorough advice. I'm actually surprisingly well off despite this (I actually got a comp sci degree in the few years afterwards lol) but some of the symptoms now I think are due to accumulation/age and situational isolation. Anyways I appreciate it, will check out some of those other resources.

 

[ruen]

Thanks, that's some very thorough advice. I'm actually surprisingly well off despite this (I actually got a comp sci degree in the few years afterwards lol) but some of the symptoms now I think are due to accumulation/age and situational isolation. Anyways I appreciate it, will check out some of those other resources.

Oh. Considering you're doing so well apparently compared to me and find my information not fitting I feel so stupid for saying most of that. Oh well, live and learn. Next time I will be more general / ask more questions before sharing.

 

[JeremiahDenton]

Oh. Considering you're doing so well apparently compared to me and find my information not fitting I feel so stupid for saying most of that. Oh well, live and learn. Next time I will be more general / ask more questions before sharing.

Err I wouldn't take it that way, that may still all be very useful. Never know just how these things will develop in the future. And it would be interesting to find other people who've been through similar treatment, just because of how insane it is.

 

[Ecdysis]

You might find this thread helpful

Other Quirky Side Effects Of Being Imprisoned &/or Held Captive

Oct 27, 2025

I know there’s not a lot of people who have experienced this, here. That’s okay.

And the… QUALITY… of being held against your will, varies so tremendously. An individual, a group, a nation & which nation (there’s a top ten list, somewhere, about best countries to do time). The level of “authority” involves… matters? To some degree? Like it’s okay for people to be imprisoned by the state but not by an individual, or group, or vice versa. All …depending… on this, that, the other.

I’m not super interested in those deviations. Anthropologists & sociologists can have those.

If YOU were a...

• Friday
• Comments: 7
• Topic: Trauma & Stressors

• 

Or use the search function. There's a few threads about the topic by torture survivors on the forum, like:

Other Let's talk about torture.

Sep 17, 2022

What it is. What it isn't. [*1] The legal definition. Is there ever a point at which torture is justified? [*2] The colloquial definition. I was tortured. The legal definition of torture is as follows:

Torture is the deliberate infliction of severe pain or suffering on a person for reasons such as punishment, extracting a confession, interrogation for information, or intimidating third parties. Some definitions are restricted to acts carried out by the state, but others include non-state organizations. (Copied from Wikipedia Torture - Wikipedia)

Some legal...

• Weemie
• Comments: 152
• Topic: Trauma & Stressors

• 
• 

 

[ruen]

Oh. Considering you're doing so well apparently compared to me and find my information not fitting I feel so stupid for saying most of that. Oh well, live and learn. Next time I will be more general / ask more questions before sharing.

But I have so much going on putting more on my plate was an idiotic idea considering it wasn't even relevant right now. It was like taking more than I need at a buffet when I'm already full and pressured to eat. Such a cliche overgiving woman thing to do.

 

[Freida]

Honestly? I think everything that you are describing is normal after torture. When I think back on the days afterwards I basically was functioning on auto pilot and had no idea what was going on. Then I just stuffed it away and had huge gaps in my memory for decades that didn't resurface until I was in therapy

I "fixed" it by keeping myself so busy there was no time to check out, if that makes sense? Basically total workaholic - until that didn't work anymore. That's when I started losing touch with reality and it all came crashing back many many years later.

So ya. It sucks. But if it helps it's not necessarily something "wrong" with you. It's just how the brain works to keep us safe - until it's ready to sort it out eventually

 

[JeremiahDenton]

Honestly? I think everything that you are describing is normal after torture. When I think back on the days afterwards I basically was functioning on auto pilot and had no idea what was going on. Then I just stuffed it away and had huge gaps in my memory for decades that didn't resurface until I was in therapy

I "fixed" it by keeping myself so busy there was no time to check out, if that makes sense? Basically total workaholic - until that didn't work anymore. That's when I started losing touch with reality and it all came crashing back many many years later.

So ya. It sucks. But if it helps it's not necessarily something "wrong" with you. It's just how the brain works to keep us safe - until it's ready to sort it out eventually

Yeah that sounds similar, basically CPTSD. So that's helpful to know I guess.

Regarding torture in general I'm also kind of curious how common it is for high- achieving citizens of developed nations to be put through this (seemingly randomly) by their own government. Probably not the right place to ask that though.