Family And The Urge To Runaway

[amy4k]

I constantly feel like I am drowning. I love my husband and my four kids, but I am so overwhelmed by all the noise and responsibilities. My kids are 14, 11, 9 and 7 and they are active, noisy kids and totally triggering for me. I'm frozen and find it so difficult to get out of the house and do anything with them anymore. I use to cuddle and read with the younger two, but I can't stand to be touched by anyone right now.

I feel so guilty about my PTSD. I feel so guilty about not being able to do the things I used to do with them. I just want to runaway until I am better and more able to cope with them. But, being a stay-at-home mom while my husband works long hours makes that nothing more than a fantasy. I do have to say that when my husband is home he has really picked up the slack and is trying hard, which of course I also feel guilty about.

How have others worked on their trauma and symptoms while also raising children?

 

[Laura 2]

Would you feel guilty if you had, heaven forbid, a broken back or a heart attack?

FWIW I didn't have PTSD when I was raising my kids solo. But, I used to feel some of the things you are. Children are more than a handful through those ages. I actually did run away a couple of times (no one noticed!). Seems to me to be quite usual...are you beating yourself up for normal reactions (that very few parents will honestly tell you about but mostly all experience)?

 

[rightkindofme]

My kids are 3 and 6. My spot on the path with them is different. I have a bunch of childrens books about dealing with parents who have mental health problems. I have books specifically about PTSD, anxiety, depression, and more amorphous "A bad thing happened and this is why I am the way I am" books. They are kids picture books, so your older kids probably would feel insulted. :)

For me, I have had PTSD for so long that I have had to shape my life around it. I want to be accommodated. I want to believe that my having PTSD is worthy of the same awareness and support as diabetes. My kids understand that there are days when I am going to spend a lot of the day in the garage crying.

I'm careful to say, "I'm crying because of things that happened a long time ago. My feelings aren't about you. I need to cry though."

I try to talk a lot about, "Today I woke up mad. It isn't about you or your behavior. I'm sorry my tone of voice is going to suck all day."

And then I bloody take the time I need or I get resentful and start screaming.

We have to learn how to take care of ourselves or we can't teach our kids how to take care of themselves. If you need space, you probably NEED to get it. It's not a want. Your kids are big enough that they need to start supporting your need for space.

My kids ask for hugs. If you run up and hug me without warning I will flinch and potentially shove really hard. Kids are adaptable. If you tell them what you need and are consistent... they will behave how you need. They love us.

 

[AqueousAndroid]

I'm not a parent yet but one day would love to be. Have you taken a vacation before for yourself? If itstnot feasible, i do understand, but maybe some time away to heal would do you some good. I am not at all suggesting you run away from your problems, in fact quite the opposite.

I'm not sure if my feedback is in any way helpful, sorry in the event that it is not. I am curious to see what other advice there is for this situation. Thank you for your post. Stay strong.

 

[Pencil]

It's very very hard. I'm a single parent, not in therapy, blah blah. It's really hard. I know I sound like an idiot, but really, all I can say is that it is hard. Are you in therapy? On meds?

 

[amy4k]

I appreciate all your replies. I've pretty much had PTSD all my adult life. But, this time period is the absolute worse it has ever been. With my dissociation I am all over the place. I do have a therapist and right now I am seeing her twice a week. Since my functioning level is low we are leaving the option of hospitalization open.

My oldest is emotional and she has been very resentful of me being sick lately. Today she is going back to her therapist again. The 11 year old is very understanding and has been so helpful. The younger two I have tried to keep in the dark, but I am realizing that I need to talk with them.

For me, I have had PTSD for so long that I have had to shape my life around it. I want to be accommodated. I want to believe that my having PTSD is worthy of the same awareness and support as diabetes. My kids understand that there are days when I am going to spend a lot of the day in the garage crying.
I'm careful to say, "I'm crying because of things that happened a long time ago. My feelings aren't about you. I need to cry though."
I try to talk a lot about, "Today I woke up mad. It isn't about you or your behavior. I'm sorry my tone of voice is going to suck all day."
And then I bloody take the time I need or I get resentful and start screaming.

I love how you have approached this with your kids and I might borrow it.

Would you feel guilty if you had, heaven forbid, a broken back or a heart attack?

I almost wish I had a physical illness rather than this. I do tend to feel guilty about not living up to "my" standards. It is crap, intellectually I realize it is crap. But it is so hard to not beat myself up about it. My parents were so absent and neglectful because of their own issues that I swore it wouldn't happen to my kids.

I do leave for hours on occasion for a break, and that helps a lot. I have learned that giving my hubby a heads up and letting him know where I plan to be avoids a lot of the drama that we used to have about me just jumping in the car and driving off. A vacation from everybody right now just isn't possible.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have pretty much every book in this series: Link Removed

Did it go through? If the link fails google the book:
Why Are You So Scared? A Child's Book About Parents with PTSD
Link Removed Illustrator: Link Removed

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks for this thread.

I started therapy about a year ago and all my issues got much worse and I feel horrible at how they impact my kids.

I try to tell my kids how much I love them and I try to shield them as much as possible but my oldest is becoming more aware of my differences to other parents, and it's hard to see that.

I look forward to learning more from others. The kids books are an idea I hadn't considered. Thanks for the idea.

 

[StellaBlue]

Thank you from me as well. I have tremondous guilt over how all of this is affecting my kids. And I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and want to run away as well...which then exacerbates the guilt and shame.