General Family Obligations

[jods]

Wow it's never a dull moment in your household is it.

My bro stole the family car when he was about 15 with one of his mates. Mum was going to charge him but my Dad talked her out of it. They decided that him & his mate would pay back the insurance company for the market value of the car. Took him a long time to pay it off but he did it. At the time he was an arsehole about it & gave my parents a few extra grey hairs in the process. 15 yrs later I'm pleased to say that he looks back on his choices with regret. Just hope that your boy sees that if he keeps going down that path he may end up locked up & miserable.

:Hug_emoticon: to you & hope that things settle down for you soon

 

[Kathy]

Yes Tammy, he actually stole Jim's truck, and additionally he is underage and does not have a license! It is quite a mess. Jodee, he definitely will be paying back the money for the truck, in one way or another. We are still weighing the pros and cons of charging him with stealing the vehicle vs. having him pay us back. If we do not charge him, we will not get our insurance money. We are out thousands of dollars, which is quite frankly a burden for us and which will take him years to pay back. It is quite a thorny situation! I share your hope though, that as he becomes older he sees the error of his ways. We are certainly not rejecting him, we love him and will still be there for him always, however he does need to take responsibility for his actions as well! Thank you all for the support.

 

[Linda]

Tammy, my car was once. Kathy, I just hope you will find the solution which is optimal for all. When my brother broke the family car, my father made him to work until he paid everything we lost. I think people should know that if they want to have something, they must work hard. Anyways. just hope things will get better soon.
Take care,
Linda

 

[Jim]

Agreed Linda, believe in hard work myself. Whether we get our insurance money or not, the boy will still be paying us the money owed, or at least a portion. However. Still haven't decided his fate entirely. ;-)

Jim.

 

[Kathy]

My apologies to all, I simply haven't had the energy to post lately, with "interesting" events occuring at home and here online there has not been a lot of me left I'm afraid! I do hope to do a bit more posting in the coming week however. And, I am planning to add a couple more articles to the information sections. Take care all and thank you for your patience.

 

[2quilt]

I am with you, Linda, on the Child-free thing! We have been to Fiji twice, Europe 4 times in 13 years, we can go on vacation any time we want, we have money to spend on ourselves, we live comfortably, and when we hear stories about other people's children getting into trouble, Darling Husband just kisses me, and we give each other a look. We know that we were not cut out to be good parents. You all out there go forth and multiply. We don't have the patience.

 

[Linda]

2Quilt, I am not even thinkong of freedom to go whereever or to spend all money to myself. I just know that, if I will become a parent, I will copy my father's behavior, which beyond negative for kids. I am a good Auntie for many boys and girls (hubby has 12 siblings!), and enjoy buying them gifts and playing with them. But I am not responsible for their behavior, as their parents are. I can love them even if they are not exactly as I want them to be. So, child-free is definetely not a bad option for a potentially abusive parent. The only thing bothering me is that my bloodline will be discontinued :(

 

[Kathy]

Linda, it is definitely a good idea to not have children if you feel you may abuse them! Unfortunately many people do not even consider that, they have children regardless of their own personal circumstances, financial, emotional or otherwise. It seems many consider having children a right when it is actually a privilege!

2quilt, I do understand your reasoning for not having children, and more power to you. Society places too much emphasis upon having children. Not everyone is equipped to do so nor has the interest! That being said however, in spite of our difficulties, Jim and I cannot imagine our lives without our children. As little ones they were all a joy. And in our experience, once they are past adolescence, and if you are fortunate to have a good relationship with them as we do, it is wonderful! Financially speaking, we have had to make some sacrifices over the years however we are still able to go on many of those trips you speak of. ;) We are going to Curacao and Venezuala for Christmas.

 

[Linda]

It seems many consider having children a right when it is actually a privilege!

Kathy, the only problem with "privelege" is a question who to be given it. Who and how will decide, who is eligible to have kids, and who is not?
We have a family with two kids living in the same building with us. They are very poor: the man is disabled and can not work, and the woman does not have an education allowing her to get a well-paid job. But they are a happy family. Once I was passing near their door and heard the guy saying to his kids: "I love you, and I love you, too." They clearly seem to enjoy each other, and the kids are doing very well in school. I think that those people definetely deserve to have children, regardless of being poor.
What I thing is that the society should change its expectation toward all people: I mean, everyone must marry and have children. Having kids is much like having pets, just a lot more serious, and is not for everybody.
Honestly, I would give a lot for an ability to be a good mother and to raise a son who will inherit the name and blood. But can not play with someone's life :(
Have a good trip to Venezuala, by the way!!!:thumbs-up

 

[Kathy]

By privilege though Linda I am certainly not meaning money, rather privilege as its basic definition as "a special favour granted to someone who is deemed worthy". And worthiness is based on many factors, not simply wealth or station in life. When I worked for Child Protection there were cases of abuse reported in all walks of life, regardless of income or social standing. Some of the best parents were the ones who were quite poor. Jim and I started out with nothing when we had Brian. No by privilege I mean having a child in itself is a privilege, not something one should consider themselves automatically entitled to. Almost like a very special gift really. I know I feel very privileged to have had children, raised them, watch them grow, guide them and so on. It has been very rewarding, and I feel privileged to have shaped their lives in what I hope is a good way. However never have I considered it my right to have them. I am thankful that I was able to have children, and thankful also that Jim and I have been able to provide a stable loving home.

Far too many people simply assume they are entitled to have children and never stop to consider whether or not they are emotionally suited to it. Having children is much work, requires much patience, and yes is a huge financial responsibility. I have seen far too many parents shirk their responsibilities towards their children, through no reason other than they truly didn't realize what they were getting themselves into. Children change your entire life. I do agree though, it would be impossible to determine who and who should not be eligible to have children, I definitely do not believe it should be the governement's decision. However I would love to see people giving child rearing much more thought than they do. Children should not be regarded as an automatic product of marriage, nor should they be considered a possession, a status symbol, or someone to love you and take care of you in your old age. I'm afraid far too many people regard them as such.

 

[Linda]

Kathy, my opinion is very similar to yours. Too many people consider their children not people with their own preferences and wishes, but rather free caregivers and providers. And too few people want to have children because they want them to be happy and to enjoy their life. Perhaps everyone heard or read of, or had seen cases when people would giving their kids trouble for choosing a "wrong" partner, or "wrong" lifestyle and so on.
I see another problem: people who have kids just because they want to have someone small and helpless and depending on them, someone they can cuddle and pet. Goodness! Kids are people at the certain stage of development, not toys! But some people still see their grown children as babies needing constant care and supervision.
Of course it would be nice to see people being a lot more responsible in their decisions to give life to another person, but it probably not going to happen in any near future. I see solution only through education and changing attitude about child-free people.
Also, of course, agree that child abuse can take place in families with any level of income or social class. My own father was belonging to the intellectual elite of the country, which did not stop him from being an abusive parent. For some reason many think that the whoever has no money must have no children.

 

[Tammy]

I often fin dit amazing how many people on this forum believe in similar things. I agree that as a parent you don't really know what you are getting yourself into until you are there; in fact I was only saying to my Mum the other day that she 'never warned me that labour was the easy part'! I didn't fuly understand how much time and energy children take up, but I also never expected the 'rewards' of being a parent to be so plentiful or that they woud make the hard times worth it. Whilst Alex and I are not financially well off, we are stable. Neither of us work, but we are lucky enough to live in Australia where the government helps us out with the financial responsibilities of being unemployed (whether a parent or not). My children still have all the possessions they need, most of the ones they want and they have more love than they know what to do with. My eldest son Jackson has just started the terrible twos ( and as much as I love him he drives me mad); which is why I am so lucky to have my partner at home with me; sure we could have more money if we were both working, and we could have great holidays; but I wouldn't trade all of that to miss out on the smiles my boys give me every day.
I agree with Kathy, in that it is a priviledge. A very special one, and one that I am so grateful to have been blessed with.
And to all of you people without children; congratulations on making the right choice for you! Because in the end, it is our decision and we each will make one and will deal with that the best that we know how!
Tammy