Fear Of Future Attacks

[Antidote]

Although I feel like I have a right to feel the way I do,I realize it does impact my life in a negative way.I just don't know how to change my way of thinking on this.I was abused from 8-10 and he stopped and left,then 6 years later he's back in the area and it happens all over again except worse.

Even though I've done everything I can to make my home secure I'm still afraid and want to sleep on the couch every night.Deadbolt,chain lock,alarm and dog,and still I'm paranoid.In my mind I know he's extremely angry at me and what's to stop him from coming around again,he's already found me once.My boyfriend has family in the old area and quite frankly it's not that hard to follow someone.I just don't know what to do,I practice taking time and letting myself feel safe (bathtime works like a charm for me) but when I'm home alone with my son it goes right out the window :(

 

[Lucycat]

It sounds to me as if you have addressed the physical safety issues. What you don't have is an inner sense of safety. That means is that no amount of exterior support will make a difference. Even a cop outside your door would not be enough; there would be all the ifs and buts.

How do you develop an inner sense of safety? That is more difficult. For me I needed therapy to feel safe. I had to have the therapist telling me time and again that I am safe. Yes, I had all the answers as to why he was wrong, but eventually I had to concede that I am as safe as the average person. After that I began to feel safe - for the first time in my life. I did not realise what it felt like to feel safe until I explored the whole concept in therapy.

Today, there are days when I lose that safe feeling again, but it is there for the most part. If I do lose it it is easier each time to regain.

 

[Muruluisku]

I know the feeling Antidote *shuffling over to sit next to you*

I feel really scared and unsafe a lot of the time. I think Lucy is right, there has to be a way to create inner safety but I guess it's easier said than done. You must be tired from sleeping on the couch/ listening for danger... And I'm sorry the baddie hurt you when you were little and made you so scared of him coming back.

<3: Muru

 

[Antidote]

Thanks for the sympathy and support Muruluisku

I guess maybe you might be right,BrucieLucy.The more I read on childhood abuse victims (not just sexual but also physical,verbal and emotional) and now that I'm no longer living with my family (and learning how proper families/household work) I'm staring to think that maybe I don't really know what it's like to feel safe.

 

[cherryblossom]

I totally understand where you are coming from Antidote.

I don't know how to feel safe after being attacked in my home twice recently by an ex.

The last time, he told me he was going away, and that I'd never see him again, but how can I believe that is true? His latest appearance was out of the blue after months of no contact.

Initially, I got my PTSD from a stranger rape, and following therapy I, like Lucy has said felt (almost) as safe as the average person. However, I don't think that hyper-vigilance ever stops completely, once you've been subjected to an sudden unprovoked, unexpected, and violent assault /rape.

But this recent attack and rape is much more personal, and now I don't feel safe, either in my own home, or out and about. He has proved he can follow me, and also push his way into my house and rape me. He has also shown that he can disappear for several months at a time. How can I ever feel safe until I know he's 6ft under?

 

[bluebird]

...I am sorry you are coming through that, @Antidote ... Thank you, @cherryblossom , for sharing this with us, I appreciate how hard it has to be to admit this... Have you considered moving someplace else?

I understand this feeling, I really do... My abuser lives in a city near my home and many of my friends live close to his home. I can´t visit them anymore, just can´t... Despise the fact he is almost seventy and has problems with walking, I know he can´t hurt me anymore, that I am much stronger... But I remember times when I hoped it was the last time he oraly raped me and almost killed me by holding my neck too tightly while doing so, I remember the frightened four years old girl wandering aroung the empty house where he left me to get himself a cigarette, and I also remember times when I believed I was safe - but I never was, for too long time. He stopped abusing me when I was eight and we moved to another city. But, even during this summer, although I didn´t remember these moments, I blocked them out - whenever I saw him, I was petrified.

Sometimes I am consumed by fear that he will find me - that he will hurt me again. I thought about going to the police - till I realised it would no help at all. The fear is living inside of me.

 

[Antidote]

I'm so sorry Cherryblossom :( Have you thought about moving? Also be careful with social networking as posts from both you and you friends can give clues on what places you frequent.

I feel like I'm always going to have to deal with this paranoia

 

[cherryblossom]

@Antidote Honestly, yes, I have thought about moving, but I'm also feeling stubborn, in that I won't be chased away from my home, where I have lived for 15 years. If I moved it wouldn't be far, and would be expensive (which I can't afford) and hugely stressful, and there would still be no guarantee's that he wouldn't find me again, if he wanted to. I also know that I shouldn't make any hasty decisions whilst I'm feeling fragile.

I hardly ever use twitter, because I don't really understand it :eek: I do use facebook, but 'he' is not on my friend list, and I use the highest privacy settings most of the time. I also rarely post anything personal on there, or ever use the option to say where I am. Plus I hardly ever go anywhere (except work!). So I think I'm 'safe' on that front.