Fear Of Own Anger

[responsiblek9]

I have a long standing problem of being terrified of my own anger.
So when provoked freeze up and cant respond as in cant speak, reply or defend myself verbally. When cornered will shut down and go blank and cannot speak . Long as I am not touched I dont explode and if they give room I will just quietly leave. If they quit speaking I will come around and be able to speak in about 15 minutes or so. But it feels as if someone choked off my throat until then. I also stutter real bad right before I shut down. I used to stutter a lot until was taught to relax my throat and chest to be able to speak better when under stress.

I had learned to go numb and walk off to ignore at all costs the person or persons screeching or yelling at me because my responce if I stop will be VERY physical . I cant afford to blow up and I am not able to reply.
At one time this responce was life saving when I was young. Anger was a futile waste of energy when I was a kid and teen . And it just got me badly hurt if I did lose my temper unless I struck with no warning as someone tried to grab me . Then they got a hold of a whole lifetime of rage unleashed like a bomb in a few seconds directed all at them with anything in reach becoming a weapon. .

My friends see me as very even tempered because I avoid situations where I could get angry . I can see a problem coming and make myself unavailable or defuse it before it evolves into a mess . But I am scared because i know how bad the rage is when it blows out. it is not anger per se at THAT person. it is a cumulative issue they triggered off that I have never learned an outlet for. . I can chop split wood for hours exhausting myself and not get one iota of that steam let off.

Not sure if this is a common problem with PTSD?
Nora in Colorado

 

[Monarch]

yes, I can relate. I have been afraid of my anger/rage because I have seen the effects of it on other people. I shut down too when cornered or frightened. My son who is 9 years old crawled into bed with me the other morning after my husband left for work. He must have touched my arm, I hit the ceiling and after that I froze, couldn't move, I wanted to get up but I physically couldn't get out of bed. I had to lay there for awhile, remembering my breathing and trying to get unstuck, it sucks. That is just one time of many. I was just telling my therapist about that the other day. He has seen me freeze before or get defensive, it isn't pretty either way. You aren't alone.

 

[Deleted member 93]

There is a lot of info in the information section on anger management. Anger is very common.

I went through a phase my doctor was happy I was getting it out but not those around me! Had to learn those I surround myself were not the root causes and to try to learn not to bottle it up. When I hold it in I get huge panic attacks.

OK sometimes my teens did/do really stupid shit that piss me off and I should be... But adults that think they can yell at me, I have nothing to do with. That much I have control over. As in other's actions if they were not intentional I had to learn to center myself and remember what is done is done and to look for ways to prevent those things happening again rather than blowing a gasket.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum14.html[/DLMURL]

 

[responsiblek9]

Well fortunately I am pretty hard to provoke unless trapped or threatened. . My therapists tried the play act out anger to release and it was just deadpan. I keep that tiger pretty well locked up and sealed. I would not inflict this on my friends for my benefit of getting anger out.There is just too much of it.
When I was an advocate though I would once in a while let the tiger make a few growls . Useful outlet and helped other people. Startled people big time because I am seen as so even tempered they thought they could run all over me.

 

[auntypsychotic]

afraid of my own rage

Hey nora, :hello:

not sure if we have discussed rage privately or not but i soooo know what ur goin thru. most of the time, im on a pretty even keel but all that means is that im not currently shrieking like a harpy or physically destroying something or someone. i once heard it described as if i go thru life at a 98% boil so that when something relatively minor happens im already saddled up and ready to ride.

like u, if i am cornered i will react with rage and violence but unlike u i dont exactly freeze up. depending on the situation i can get myself out of there but then i sort of spin out of control on my own. sometimes its just because i get so overloaded with incoming stimuli, like in my own personal hell, walmart. there r so many lights, sounds, colors, people that i simply cant take too much of it and i start to "drift" and shut down. i can actually feel it happening, my eyes start to feel as if they r open very wide and i get what is called "the thousand yard stare". i can feel it but i cant control it.

normally when that happens i try to get out of there and now that i have my service dog grace its somewhat easier because she can get me out of there even if im not able to. however, if i dont notice it happening or i cant get away from all the stuff coming at me, it can get pretty ugly. if someone is speaking to me i start to feel like boiler with no relief valve. gods forbid that they ask me a question and require an answer or much much worse, touch me when im in that state. i get violent beyond all understanding (at least beyond my understanding).

part of that is due to my training in the service and if i have to get physical i dont/cant stop until the "target" stops moving. the same thing happens if im startled by someone thru physical contact or, rarely, a loud noise or voice.

my medications help and my growing awareness and understanding of my illnesses and what led to them help even more. i have learned when its best to stay home, how to stay aware of my body which begins to respond long before my mind, how to limit the time i spend out and about and keep my list of errands simple and short. im also, constantly, learning what triggers me and then try to develop simple but effective coping strategies for each trigger or situation that i can reach for before i blow up. of course, my girl grace helps me tons and my roomie, who is an absolute saint for putting up with me, has learned the signs of impending meltdown and how to help me reduce the level or get me away from whatever is sending me buggy.

physical exertion helps somewhat but what helps the most is actually letting out how i feel or what is rattling round in my head. usually i can do this thru my writing or my painting and photography. i try to do some of both, ie work out and do some creating at least a few times per week. sort of like letting the steam out of a pressure cooker before it starts to whistle. it helps a ton, particularly when i dont know what it is thats setting me off. what create often helps me to figure out what the catalyst for a particular meltdown.

all of the above help to varying degrees in different situations. its a constant battle tho and i dont think i will ever stop fighting it but it does get easier in that i can and do feel more in control as i learn more about myself. i KNOW that i dont have to be at the mercy of my illness that there r ways for me to decrease my stress and to lower the amplitude of my reaction to it.

dunno if i have helped u or not but at least u know ur not alone.

be well.

ps: one of the upsides to learning how to calm myself down, i have stopped playing stud roulette with concrete walls. my knuckles r very happy. :biggrin:

 

[9Lives]

ditto!

I am so with you on this!!! No one expects it from me because I'm petite but whoa, don't push me too far! Normally, the tiger comes out if I'm being physically attacked but, it's scary because when I reach that point, I don't care what happens to me during a fight which isn't always a good idea. I need to know when to run away & come back another day before I get seriously injured!

 

[Deleted member 93]

Just a side note, can we please not post an entire post in bold? When you do and an editor notices (don't always catch it we get groggy too on here) then we have to go into the gut of the post and remove every bold tag there is you cannot see and it is frustrating. Thank you.

I am not fixing it this second as it is time consuming but will be but for future reference please refrain.

 

[kers]

So when provoked freeze up and cant respond as in cant speak, reply or defend myself verbally. When cornered will shut down and go blank and cannot speak.

This pretty much describes what I'm struggling with right now. I knew I shut down sometimes, but I have only recently realized how often I do it--when someone raises their voice or gets tense or frustrated or angry, but it's really bad when the feelings are mine. More often than not I take out the anger, whether it's mine or someone else's, on myself.