• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

FEAR

Status
Not open for further replies.

mamachick

MyPTSD Pro
I am feeling fear tonight. I stood up to my husband that threw a fit. All day I asked him to help me clean this big house and he avoided. Tonight he wanted to know what was wrong and I avoided talking about it. Finally he turned off the tv and became insistent. So I told him. Then he made all kind of excuses and got verbally aggressive. He said we just cleaned a few weeks ago, yelling at me, and that I had such unreasonable expectations. He stood over me yelling and it was very intimidating. Finally I just got up and went to bed, but he followed me in my room trying to argue. I was shut down. Then he came in a few minutes later and said he cancelled his sport date tomorrow and would help me, but I don't want him to now...I just don't care anymore. He says Im being difficult now because I don't want anything from him. Then he tries to start an argument and I have to turn my back for him to go away. I feel crazy right now.
 
You aren't crazy.
I'd have reacted much the way you did. And I'd be feeling scared, too.

Do you feel safe in your relationship, @brat17 ? Sorry, I don't really know the history to know if this is a common theme.

Big gentle hugs.
 
No I don't feel safe. I only feel safe when I stay in bed and don't ask for anything. He is the one who insists that I get out of bed. Its kind of a common theme with him I guess.
 
Then he came in a few minutes later and said he cancelled his sport date tomorrow and would help me,

Is there an even distribution of house work between you and hubby?

If not then hell yes! He can help clean the house tomorrow and stiff... about his sports date.

I know it's not good having the yelling etc., going on brat17 however it sounds like you got your point across.

You've disengaged from the yelling and arguing (bc quite rightly that achieves nothing) so now he's making a lot of noise to see if you will impulsively tell him to go away and you will do it yourself. But don't.

I think you have maintained your boundaries very well.
 
I won't do it myself. I have a lot of medical issues and have had 2 rotator cuff surgeries. He refused to move from this big house of his dreams ( my nightmare). I need cervical disc surgery and have COPD. He does work and I do not. But in 2015, he knocked me down the steps when he was mad and now I have a lumbar disc problem as well, so I am leary of his not getting his way. I just don't want him here right now. I probably won't sleep because I am afraid of him coming in here.

As long as we don't talk about anything (bills, cleaning, house repairs, relationship issues, etc) things are calm. I have been content staying in bed for the past few years. The draw back is that I have lost muscle and have become weak. I have been telling him about some of my medical bills and he ignores me. Tonight I said that we have to address eventually and he went and got them and started yelling at me and waving his arms. Thats what he did before, before assaulting me. I know better. I understand DV. You can be an expert and not be able to control it. though.
 
No I don't feel safe.
I only feel safe when I stay in bed and don't ask for anything
in 2015, he knocked me down the steps when he was mad and now I have a lumbar disc problem as well, so I am leary of his not getting his way.
I probably won't sleep because I am afraid of him coming in here.
As long as we don't talk about anything (bills, cleaning, house repairs, relationship issues, etc) things are calm.
I have been content staying in bed for the past few years. The draw back is that I have lost muscle and have become weak.
I have been telling him about some of my medical bills and he ignores me. Tonight I said that we have to address eventually and he went and got them and started yelling at me and waving his arms. Thats what he did before, before assaulting me. I
Yeah, I am seeing a lot of red flags in your post @brat17 .
My heart goes out to you.
would it help to talk to an advocate from a domestic violence shelter? Because the fact that he has forced you to stay in bed until your muscles atrophied is a pretty scary situation.
I really second Freida's idea.
 
The storm has passed. I did sleep with the help of xanax. He did not go play sports. I heard him vacuuming for hours. I have not talked with him today. I went to the kitchen and he is lying on his bed in the dark, probably sulking. He would probably apologize if I initiated conversation, but I have found his words to be cheap and insincere.

I really am about taking responsibility and I have caused the atrophy. He hasn't forced me to stay in bed, I just don't want to deal with all this kind of stuff so I hide out here. I have begged to sell this house but he refuses that. Its a 3 story old Victorian. Im just so tired and feel worn down.

Your words are wise about a domestic violence advocate. I just feel too stuck to follow through with sound advice. I have talked to them before (when he shoved me down steps) but every attorney wants at least 5k to proceed with a divorce and he has all the money. I have access to my small disability income.
 
We talked and he agreed that he needs to help. He is so stubborn about any change and wants me to tell him exactly what I want in advance. Its so ridiculous. If the trash is full then it needs to go, regardless of what day it is. He cant stand change. He asked for a schedule. I tried explaining that I feel that I have so little control in any part of my life that I just cant live like this any longer. He says he has to spend a couple weekends cutting trees and burning at his moms who is elderly. I just feel so hopeless.
 
It’s fine if he needs help, but you don’t actually have to live with him while he’s getting any help. (Assuming he actually does.) In fact, if he makes you feel unsafe, and you hate the house, you might benefit a lot from moving out. Just a thought. :hug:
 
We talked and he agreed that he needs to help.
He is so stubborn about any change and wants me to tell him exactly what I want in advance.

I'm really pleased you are talking even if he's proving to be stubborn.

It's not unusual for there to be misunderstandings about how domestic tasks should be allocated and completed even within well established marriages.

Changes in one or both participants physical or mental health can be so challenging. Keep talking with him and try and find a way forward even if it feels frustrating. I imagine he's feeling frustrated too but at least he is willing to discuss this with you.

I know the worst of the yelling is over for now. Do you think it might be helpful to discuss with him how things can be sorted out more peacefully in future? Just a thought...
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top