Fed up

[Reggie]

I suffer from ptsd and get triggered by conflict with the wife when she starts shouting I get triggered and then I say horrible things and I can't stop . I just don't want to be with her or my kids I feel so down and useless I don't see the point in staying with them but that would make me a useless husband and father but I can't go like this

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi @Reggie. Glad you're here. Are you in any type of therapy? And has your wife researched PTSD yet?

You've come to the right place for information and support.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Reggie Yes, you need therapy, and you might feel better by walking away when you feel triggered. Just take a deep breath, turn around and walk away. Go for a walk, go for a drive, go for a run. But, don't take it out on your wife. Look, we all lose it at times, I get that. But you are responsible for your triggers and your behavior in the end.

Talk to your wife about this and let her know that if this happens, your going to just leave for a bit. This will give the both of you time to calm down, and possibly be calm enough to discuss things calmly after.....

 

[Friday]

If I'm too symptomatic to be the parent I need to be, I arrange alternatives. Whether that's a sleepover, a week with the G's, a summer/winter camp, or what have you. Something safe, fun, & interesting for them... While I get on with the business of pulling my head out of my ass. Just because I'm suffering, doesn't mean I have to make everyone around me suffer.

It's a shade of grey in between the black & white 'either I'm a parent or I'm not'. Like daycare whilst working doesn't mean I'm not their parent, sending them off for some fun & adventure, while I'm stuck in asshole-mode doesn't mean I'm not a parent.

Granted, as a mostly single parent most of my son's life, I have that a lot easier than people who have partners who can pick up the slack. As backwards as that may seem. Because I have to look for other options. It's a lot harder, IME, when there is someone there who can look out for them while I take myself off for a bit to unf*ck myself. Because I feel guilty for leaving, and usually end up trying to stay too long, rather than settled in knowing that they're having fun & are well looked after for a set period of time.

Still, your wife might like the break from responsibility some time off from the kids for a week or three, too. So I'd still talk with her about it. Set the kids up somewhere fun for a bit, & the missus can have some off, and you can work on yourself.

***

As an addendum... Not knowing your finances, my experience is that most great camps have scholarship options. They often require applying for long in advance, but even knowing that 3-4 times a year I had camps already set up? Helped to alleviate a lot of the stress of 24/7/365 parenting. Set up quarterly camps, some monthly sleepovers with friends & their activities (overnights at the gym, or the museum, or the theatre, etc.), built in time that I could use & count on... In addition to the periodic "Yikes! Need to find something, like right now! What's going on that's good? What can I afford / not afford not to?" <<< Also the built in time off? Helped to lessen the number of those.