These feelings of failure, loneliness, isolation and self hatred will not go away. I feel like I contribute nothing
One of the things I’ve learned about myself is that I
need to be being useful (in order to be happy)... and that I’ve got a very narrow definition of what’s useful. Both those pieces are useful
to me, because they give me a solid series of things to be doing.
First off, that I need to be setting up ways in my life to be useful. Plural, if at all possible. So that if one thing gets sidelined for awhile (injury, illness, money, etc.), I’ve got safety nets in place to fill the gap & catch me.
Secondly, that I need to be very mindful of the directions I focus my energy. It doesn’t matter how much anyone else thinks what I’m doing is useful, if I don’t. And believe me, I’ve tried to force myself into other people’s definititions, but all that’s ever done over 20 years is use up my finite resources (so I don’t have enough energy to get done the suck it up and do it parts of life like laundry & being polite to in laws, NOR the energy to do anything I personally find useful OR fun. :wtf: Its a lose/lose proposition), and just add to my life being f*cked. Helluva lot about life is about attitude. I know this. I apply the hell out of it as much as possible. Hence the trying to accept other people’s opinions. In this area? IMO it ain’t worth it. I need to direct my energy towards things ***I*** feel useful doing. They may seem like slight differences to others, between Thing A (hate it!) & Thing B (hell yes!), but it’s night and day difference in my own life.
Last piece ties into the above. Finite capacity for stress means that I also need to be mindful I’m not using up all my energy in areas I find useful/fun & not leaving any space in the stress cup for the suck it up and do it parts of life. Which has the same long term effect as being useless and broken, I’m f*cking miserable. Because my house is a mess, my relationships neglected, I’m all pissed off at myself & everyone else is pissed off af me. Whoops. Balance. Right. <<< For me this is all about pacing myself. Which also pisses me off, I don’t like doing anything by halves, but not as much as my life being f*cked sideways. Which is what happens when I get all unbalanced. There’s more TO life than being useful. (That’s almost painful to write. Even though I know it.) I tend to be pretty damn black and white, and think I have to quit doing one to have the other. But when I do that? I lose both. So I have to work pretty darn hard to balance what I need and what I want.
Clear as mud?
