• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Feel Like I'm Constantly Submerged. Can't Breathe...

Status
Not open for further replies.
Yeah I get it. I was wrong on quite a few counts. "Consequences of my actions." I think I'm immature in many ways.
 
"something is very likely to be out of balance with your ability to perceive properly. Get into treatment and comply."
I'd love to, if there was someone I could trust. Maybe I should go out on a limb and just try trusting?
Am I being needlessly rebellious? Where is the line drawn between "being difficult" and "self-defense"?
 
I'll try questioning them on the meds. Though the last time I tried it it didn't end well.
I guess I really was assaulting someone. I've been thinking about it. Perhaps it wasn't necessary at all.

By the way, what's this "Albatross" thing?
 
"but you sure didn't help yourself any either."
I want to know what you mean. Is there anything I should really get to doing to help myself?
Also, if my perspectives are really skewed, am I really crazy in some way?
 
I just don't know what's right for me right now. I don't know if I'm psychotic or if I'm not.
I don't know if the meds are there to help me. I don't know what's 'true' about me.
The doctors I know will force the medication. But I read of doctors that respect a patient's decision to drop meds.
Just what is right?
 
I've certainly never felt psychotic. And I certainly don't get ideas to hurt myself or anyone else...
This is where my train of logic just stops dead. I don't know how wrong the stuff I did was. I can't even tell myself that what I did was 'right or wrong'. I'm really confused. If someone could just shed light on what I'm doing, just straight up tell me what's wrong about me, I'd be glad.
Or this is a sign that I'm really psychotic? That my perspectives have gone haywire?
 
What medication?
I've never actually been physically abused, but I feel as if I've been bullied my entire life, by everything around me. Reading about those who have been physically abused makes me feel kinda lucky in a way.
Can you talk more about the feeling that you've been bullied? What happens to trigger that?
She's fantasizing and she's victimizing me for her own glee, trying to make me seem like some monster that's tormenting her, when ironically, she's the one living in her fantasies of inflated self-worth, tormenting me.
Can you give an example?
Now they just bust open the door (brother included) and yell at me for no concrete reason.
Can you tell this story, as if you were a neutral third-party?
Then they look at me as if I were crazy when I refuse to be like them,
What does it mean - when they ask you to be like them, and you refuse - can you say more about that?
They exaggerate events and dramatize everything with me as the monstrous villain and that mother as the victim.
I mean this with an intent to help: you are demonstrating the same behavior. You are dramatizing your life with everyone else as the monsters and you as the victim. Now, really, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. But it's why I'm legitimately interested in some more concrete details of the events you allude to.

Would you mind sharing what country you are in?

I just can't escape from the traumas, and new ones are being introduced every single day. I'm writing this because the fear of what will happen tomorrow is killing me. Even if nothing's really going to happen to me, it's a new trauma that is simultaneously a trigger for a past trauma (that's being repeated again and again).
What are the traumas? I'm interested in the concept, "even if nothing is going to happen to me, it's a new trauma" - can you write more about that?
I just want reassurance that there are people out there who are different, different from the freaks I've seen all my life.
There are. I think I can promise you that. You are on the cusp of being more independent in the world (going to university), and you will meet many very very different kinds of people.
If it seems like I'm taking advantage of your generosity, I'm sorry. I'm new to this forum thing. I hope I haven't broken any ru
Nah, you're good.

If you want to quote from someone's post, all you have to do is highlight the text and you'll see an option box for 'reply' - click it, and that section you highlighted goes into the post you are working on.
 
I don't feel too comfortable about talking about my own life, the setting I live in and what has happened while giving clear identities to the parties involved. I've thought hard about it, and I think I know why.

I'm pretty sure a very large part of my problems comes from the fact that I'm antagonizing everything around me without putting things into perspective, and that my views are quite unreasonable themselves. Maybe it's due to what I experienced, but I don't have to be caught up in other people's irresponsible actions. They can be what they want to be, and I can be me. I have to be responsible for myself trying to find a healthy way to deal with it, and trying to be more tolerant and understanding. If there's anyone who just can't stop getting on my case, I'll try talking to them, finding out why they're doing it, and try to sort out what's comfortable and what's uncomfortable for me. And if they're really being a*sholes, I'll tell them how I feel and simply not involve myself any further. Or just avoid those types where I can. I don't have to keep hiding.

What I mean is, perhaps the environment I live in isn't all that bad. Like you said, I'm dramatizing things myself. I don't want to mention names because I might be slandering someone or something that I probably don't even have a clear idea of yet. (I don't want my perceptions to be carried to someone else - It's my problem, is what I'm trying to say) Like what a few people above have suggested, I have to try and look at things in a different way before things really start to change, and before I should feel justified to point my own fingers and mention names.

I'll go and tell the doctors why I feel the treatment is going the wrong way, and try to get some clarity on my situation - like what exactly they think is wrong or a clear idea of the meds and their risks and benefits. I think some 'patient education' is in order - If they are willing to divulge, that is. I'll comment on whether or not their views are inappropriate or incorrect - If they're not too thickheaded, and if things just aren't working out, I'll try finding a good therapist in the near future - if the powers that be in my life aren't too adamant about making me stick with the same party. The thing is, I want to do all this, but there are just too many uncertain external factors outside my control. It's really depressing. How do I know if my views will be heard? How do I know if people will even get that I'm trying to change? How do I know if they'll even let me do what I want and respect how I feel?

(Sorry if this is a bit of letdown, Umo. You wanted to try getting some answers, but I gave you this roundabout answer instead for all your trouble.)

I'll still be around.
 
I think here's the actual problem: I have my own ideas about moving on, but the people around me don't seem to recognize that effort, and are intent on sticking me in the same old situation in a very narrow-minded way. They seem to think that there's only one single way to go about this and deal with me, like they're really hellbent on seeing me as some other type of kid. I guess that's where my feelings of 'not being seen for who I am' stem from. I don't know who the wrong party here is, because I don't know if there's any way to approach them that would get them to listen, consider and respect my views for once. I don't even know if I'm the one being selfish, or if they are the ones being completely unreasonable. I've told these people time and time again about how I want to do things and how they should support my personal decisions, but they don't even seem capable of understanding what 'respecting someone's views' is. From what I can see, it seems their idea of respect is equivalent to capitulation. (And this has nothing to do with my antagonistic views, it's the truth that I've seen for many years) I feel that it would be simply great if my life had more 'clarity'. Is this even PTSD? Or is it something else? It certainly doesn't feel like schizophrenia. There's just no clarity.
 
I've told these people time and time again about how I want to do things and how they should support my personal decisions, but they don't even seem capable of understanding what 'respecting someone's views' is. From what I can see, it seems their idea of respect is equivalent to capitulation. (And this has nothing to do with my antagonistic views, it's the truth that I've seen for many years) I feel that it would be simply great if my life had more 'clarity'. Is this even PTSD? Or is it something else? It certainly doesn't feel like schizophrenia. There's just no clarity.
Without divulging detail, can you give a narrative example of one of those 'time and time again' moments - really, I'd just like to know what YOU would like to do - your personal decision - vs. what they would like you to do.

Here's the thing: you are 100% in the gender and age zone for schizophrenia or it's related disorders to present. You are also in the zone for when some of the bipolar types will start to present. And it all lines up with when hormones are doing a tap dance on your brain.

No one here can diagnose you. But unless you are willing to articulate your trauma event, we can't even come close to helping. You're anonymous here. If it will help you to write it out, you should. Also - no pressure.

it is hard to tell, without examples, how different your perception of reality is from whatever actual reality is. And somewhere in there is where yes, it could be the beginnings of schizophrenia. Totally possible. No-one here can tell you.

THE BEST WAY TO HELP YOURSELF: You alluded to it, in this quote -
I'll go and tell the doctors why I feel the treatment is going the wrong way, and try to get some clarity on my situation - like what exactly they think is wrong or a clear idea of the meds and their risks and benefits. I think some 'patient education' is in order -
As much as you can, you need to keep trying to communicate and keep trying to listen. When someone says something you don't like, try and avoid being reactive. Breathe. Ask questions.

And get into therapy. Just finding a therapist you like will take some effort, probably. But you need to be talking with someone regularly.

what medication?

Why I'm interested: I'll out myself here, but my father is schizophrenic or schizoaffective (I think the latter, but his diagnosis is the former). My brother started presenting mental illness when he was around 15 years old, and just about everything that could have gone wrong with his diagnosis and treatment - well, it all went wrong. He shut himself off, or was argumentative, because what was happening in his brain was confusing, and he didn't know if he could trust anyone. He started having emotional spikes that turned into some violence. He was misdiagnosed, incorrectly medicated, responded to that by self-medicating, continued to get worse...the level of misunderstanding that was going on between him, my parents, and his doctors was just profound.

And I'm not saying you are anywhere near him, like him, anything. None of these illnesses are death sentences - everything from depression and anxiety through schizoid, personality disorders, the bipolar spectrum....all of it.

There is no foolproof diagnostic test. Diagnosis depends almost entirely on patient disclosure. This is really, really hard for everyone - but I think, it's hardest when you are a teenager. The more open and honest you can be with people who are good at what they do - the better your outcome. You are at the age where a lot can be done, pretty quickly - because your brain is so plastic. The big search is going to be to find a mental health professional you can believe in. But the more open you can stay, the better. And when you think you need to try someone else, continue to articulate that you want help, you just aren't connecting with (whomever). I promise you, if you say "they are an idiot", no-one will listen. And that sucks. because you might be right.

It's hard, but you need to try and be better than the people who aren't listening, if that's what you are finding - and to be better than them means to find some patience and to not just let your combative side take over.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top