My brother doesn't love me anymore. If he does, he's doing a good job of hiding it. My relationship is not the same with him anymore, it hasn't been since he and his girlfriend got married, or at least had a legal union of some kind. I feel like she took him away from me, just like my stepmother took my father away from me.
He lived in the house with me and my mother, he and his wife did. That was very stressful because obviously as a couple they wanted some space and I think my brother was getting frustrated that he couldn't provide for them financially at that point.
He would give me scornful looks and embarass me in front of others when I did something he didn't like. When my stepfather was trying to fix a problem with his computer, my brother's made a point of saying the problem must've been because I borrowed it and put unnecessary programs on it. One time during the summer I asked him if he could "find it in his heart to drive me to work." I said it in what I thought was a very light, casual tone, but when we got out to his truck he turned to me and said, "Now do you want to ask me nicely for a ride." He said he was trying to teach me to be polite. It was like he took every opportunity to talk down to me about something. Every time I was around him there was an immediate tension in the air.
I'm back at school, alone in my dorm room. I'm glad to be away from my brother finally but on top of everything feeling lonely and missing home. I miss my mother, my room, my horses, the garden, our dog, and all the animals. I miss my brother and the way we used to be together. We used to have fun conversations all the time. He would be encouraging and supportive and do things like by me paints because he saw me make a particularly good painting.
I did cut myself last week. It was because of an incident at work that, I think, I was less able to deal with because of the stress of having my brother around.
Now, alone in a room at night with nowhere to go, I'm feeling that pull again. I'm unpacking things from the storage container that my brother gave me as presents, which only makes it all hurt even more. The last time I cut myself, it's uncomfortable to say, but it felt good. The time before that, a year and a half ago, it felt awful in every respect. I think this time it felt good because I wasn't, for lack of a better term, fighting it. The will to resist just totally drained out of me.
There's nothing to stop me, nothing else to quell the heavy, lonely feeling in my heart. Nothing else that can get my mind off the pain inside. I don't know what else to do, maybe I'll just go to bed.
Thank you to anyone who read this in its entirety. Thank you to anyone who read even part of it. It was very hard to get this out.
He lived in the house with me and my mother, he and his wife did. That was very stressful because obviously as a couple they wanted some space and I think my brother was getting frustrated that he couldn't provide for them financially at that point.
He would give me scornful looks and embarass me in front of others when I did something he didn't like. When my stepfather was trying to fix a problem with his computer, my brother's made a point of saying the problem must've been because I borrowed it and put unnecessary programs on it. One time during the summer I asked him if he could "find it in his heart to drive me to work." I said it in what I thought was a very light, casual tone, but when we got out to his truck he turned to me and said, "Now do you want to ask me nicely for a ride." He said he was trying to teach me to be polite. It was like he took every opportunity to talk down to me about something. Every time I was around him there was an immediate tension in the air.
I'm back at school, alone in my dorm room. I'm glad to be away from my brother finally but on top of everything feeling lonely and missing home. I miss my mother, my room, my horses, the garden, our dog, and all the animals. I miss my brother and the way we used to be together. We used to have fun conversations all the time. He would be encouraging and supportive and do things like by me paints because he saw me make a particularly good painting.
I did cut myself last week. It was because of an incident at work that, I think, I was less able to deal with because of the stress of having my brother around.
Now, alone in a room at night with nowhere to go, I'm feeling that pull again. I'm unpacking things from the storage container that my brother gave me as presents, which only makes it all hurt even more. The last time I cut myself, it's uncomfortable to say, but it felt good. The time before that, a year and a half ago, it felt awful in every respect. I think this time it felt good because I wasn't, for lack of a better term, fighting it. The will to resist just totally drained out of me.
There's nothing to stop me, nothing else to quell the heavy, lonely feeling in my heart. Nothing else that can get my mind off the pain inside. I don't know what else to do, maybe I'll just go to bed.
Thank you to anyone who read this in its entirety. Thank you to anyone who read even part of it. It was very hard to get this out.
