General Feeling alone

[Dominik24]

Hey everybody.

Hope you have a great day :)

I just don't know where else to talk about it. Tried to talk with my gf about it, but everything I try to say is just seen as an attack or I don't know..

It's just that.. damn. I feel so freaking alone at the moment.

My girlfriend survived childhood abuse.

We have a great relationship. The only thing that really makes me feel like I slowly become depressive, is the complete lack of affection. For the last 9 months.

Some days it's ok to deal with.

Some days I feel like life's not worth living. Or like I'm not worth living. I'm not suicidal, so please don't worry people.

It's just that, I'm almost every day on my own.

Yeah I have friends and family. But if my gf is not with me, in the current state of mind I am, it's doesn't matter if I'm actually on my own or with people. I still feel alone.

I hate myself for sounding so whiny.

But damn, I feel like I'd need to become cold, to not be affected by that emotional distance.

There was such a great connection in the first months. Then her physical pains started (back pain).

I know it's because of that.

Or I thought I'm sure that it's just because of that.

Lately, she spends more time with a good girl friend of hers. And texting with some guy friends (not worrying at the moment), she even had the energy to talk on the phone with a guy friend, since he wanted to talk about a girl he's currently seeing.

That'd all be no problem for me, if I just would feel and know how she feels about me.

But with that emotional numbness and the emotional distance, it feels like you never can be sure if it's her pain. Or if it's you. Or something else.

Yeah, she would probably tell me if it'd be something else than the pain. But still, logic has a hard time beating emotions.

It's just, why is there energy left for friends. And when it comes to be, there seems so little to be? She spends time with me. Yes. We have a lot of fun together. Yes.

But just the emotional thing. That's what I'm missing.

That feeling of being wanted, being interested in me, in spending time with me.

I may not make any sense at all. And I hate to whine that much. I just don't seem to be able to control my emotions. Everytime I try to become a bit colder, so it won't bother me, just an image out of my memory to that first month with her, gets me back to feeling sad and alone.

Do you experience anything similar?
What's helping you to deal with the emotional aspects?

Thanks :)

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

A book that was introduced to me by a friend on a different forum was pretty eye opening regarding how couples best communicate, The Five Love Languages.

Here's the wiki link that explains it: The Five Love Languages - Wikipedia

We don't always do well at reading others and end up more often than not just assuming things, and we know where that can land us. Best wishes.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Do you guys spend much time together?

 

[Sighs]

There is nothing more lonely than being in a relationship with a partner who is not emotionally available - whatever the reason.

I have been through periods like this with my PTSD partner. It is very hard. Fortunately he numbness has passed and we have emotionally connected again. Until the next time...

 

[A13]

@Dominik24 I think we all get these days. What makes it seem so difficult (imo) is when you see them Laugh and joke with others and at home it's grunts snappiness or worse... nothing!
I always took that personally. For a while I really struggled with the lack of emotion. I was sure it was because he didn't feel the same, or he didn't love me. He was saying "I love you" but his actions showed me otherwise. It was seriously confusing.
I'm just taking my relationship one day at a time. I needed to stop overthinking everything and start to treat myself better, I hadn't changed!! What was I gaining getting myself worked up?? Nothing. In fact I was feeding his anxiety, and I was weepy and felt somewhat off balance like you described.. it wasn't good for me or D and I had to do something about it.
I used to see people kissing at the bus shelter, driving past thinking how much I missed that. I was almost jealous (this sounds crazy I know)
I remind myself quite often que sera, Sera (what will be, will be)
It's hard! I find we live in a society that people expect this timeline of events in the perfect relationship .. dating, going steady, move in, eneagement, marriage, children, bigger house.. happily ever after.
I have realised no two relationships are the same. NONE are perfect.

'We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell; just different devils!!'

Like sweet pea said. Your partner might come back, just like her vet did. Hang in there!! Just take care of yourself in the meantime. I'd say what your feeling is normal..you shouldn't have to make yourself cold, it's only natural to want a kiss and cuddle from your partner.

We all need a little support ourselves now and then!! That's why this site is great.
Best wishes!!

 

[clarapark]

I do feel the same way! My boyfriend suffers from c-ptsd that causes him emotional numbness, literal emptiness, and emotional distance. There was one day that I felt like I'm exhausted because he relapsed for 2 days in a row, attacked me and accused me saying it's me that went wrong. It was horrible. He was so unavailable, but he came back the next day and became the same person again.

Whenever my boyfriend seems to shut me out, I would keep my distance for a bit while and do a lot of self-care, like hanging out with friends, working (idk why working is a healing process for me), doing things that I like. He always comes back eventually. Patience is the key. Remember to share with friends or family if that makes you feel better.

 

[Dominik24]

Do you guys spend much time together?

She has to work a lot during the week, like 9-10 hour days at a doctors office, so we usually see each other 1 or 2 times during the week for about an hour or two. If our work schedule allows it, I pick her up after work and drive her home (she lives with her mom, I live in a flat on my own). On weekends she spends the whole weekend at my (we already call it "our") place.

So yeah, we see us pretty regularly.

There is nothing more lonely than being in a relationship with a partner who is not emotionally available - whatever the reason.

I have been through periods like this with my PTSD partner. It is very hard. Fortunately he numbness has passed and we have emotionally connected again. Until the next time...

Yes, couldn't agree more.

The most difficult part for me is, the uncertainty.
For example "Did she lose interest? Or is it just the stress?"

I'm glad your partner and you emotionally connected again. I'm hoping for this to happen soon. The relationship itself is great. It's just the emotional connection, that we had so much, that I'm missing.

I remember, when I used to write her lovely messages and she started to cry while reading it, telling me she never had something like that and is so afraid of losing me and everything we both have together.
The last message I wrote her, that I sent her was probably 10 months ago. I sent it to her and she told me she doesn't have the energy to read it right now. So I kept it saved on my phone for more emotionally days for her to read it. That message is still to be read by her.

Those are the thoughts, that are so hard for me to understand. The complete opposite in what she wants and needs, concerning emotions.