So frustrated with my husband and any relationship I've had in the past. I see other people who have spouses that are concerned and want to learn more about their PTSD and are willing to go to counseling. Any partner I've had refuses to accept that I have this horrible illness.
I've known my current husband since I was 15 - that's over 30 years now. He know my entire past. He says he knows how messed up I am. But he still just wants me to be "OK". He doesn't understand when I'm not. He thinks it's his fault and even when I tell him it's not, he can't process it. He won't talk about it either. Today I woke up handling things a little better. He woke up and asked how I was. I said "trying to manage". He said "you look ok to me". I said "well I'm not, but I'm trying". He just shrugged and became silent. I told him he really should learn more about PTSD. He didn't say a word. That was the end of that.
I've learned not to push. It's the same story over and over again. They don't care enough to learn about what I've gone thru and what I continue to go thru. They just want me to be "OK", because that's how they like me best. Because that's when they can forget that there's anything wrong with me. That's when I can just simply take care of them.
I'm not afraid to admit that I've married a lazy man. He's not abusive verbally or otherwise. He's actually very kind. But he is lazy. He's overweight as well. I swear I am the man in the family. I do all the manual labor around the house, while he sits there an watches tv. He refuses to eat healthy or exercise. And it bothers the crap out of me. I've told him it bothers me, but he doesn't do anything about it. I don't cook for him either. He makes his own meals. I eat completely healthy and I work out. I had hoped he would follow my lead at some point especially when he saw me losing so much weight (30+ pounds now), but no...he continues to eat unhealthy.
When I try to talk to him about anything - he pretty much refuses. All I get is a blank wall. He hates any confrontation and just wants things to be smooth and easy. Well, it's not easy when I'm triggered. And he hates it and swears it's his fault. When I try to tell him it's not, he doesn't understand, but then he won't even attempt to understand. The only thing that will fix it is me to get healthy again and things to go back to normal.
Sorry for the rant...I just had to get all of this out of my head. It's just so frustrating. It seems like all my relationships are the same. No one cares enough to want to truly know me. I wish I had a husband to cared enough to go to counseling - to want to learn what triggers me - to want to hold me when I cry and know that it's not them - to ask me how I'm doing without that fear in their eyes that they've done something wrong - to not constantly need to have their ego stroked while I'm struggling just to hold it together. If this marriage ends at some point, I'm definitely going to stay single. It'd be so much easier if I was alone.
I've known my current husband since I was 15 - that's over 30 years now. He know my entire past. He says he knows how messed up I am. But he still just wants me to be "OK". He doesn't understand when I'm not. He thinks it's his fault and even when I tell him it's not, he can't process it. He won't talk about it either. Today I woke up handling things a little better. He woke up and asked how I was. I said "trying to manage". He said "you look ok to me". I said "well I'm not, but I'm trying". He just shrugged and became silent. I told him he really should learn more about PTSD. He didn't say a word. That was the end of that.
I've learned not to push. It's the same story over and over again. They don't care enough to learn about what I've gone thru and what I continue to go thru. They just want me to be "OK", because that's how they like me best. Because that's when they can forget that there's anything wrong with me. That's when I can just simply take care of them.
I'm not afraid to admit that I've married a lazy man. He's not abusive verbally or otherwise. He's actually very kind. But he is lazy. He's overweight as well. I swear I am the man in the family. I do all the manual labor around the house, while he sits there an watches tv. He refuses to eat healthy or exercise. And it bothers the crap out of me. I've told him it bothers me, but he doesn't do anything about it. I don't cook for him either. He makes his own meals. I eat completely healthy and I work out. I had hoped he would follow my lead at some point especially when he saw me losing so much weight (30+ pounds now), but no...he continues to eat unhealthy.
When I try to talk to him about anything - he pretty much refuses. All I get is a blank wall. He hates any confrontation and just wants things to be smooth and easy. Well, it's not easy when I'm triggered. And he hates it and swears it's his fault. When I try to tell him it's not, he doesn't understand, but then he won't even attempt to understand. The only thing that will fix it is me to get healthy again and things to go back to normal.
Sorry for the rant...I just had to get all of this out of my head. It's just so frustrating. It seems like all my relationships are the same. No one cares enough to want to truly know me. I wish I had a husband to cared enough to go to counseling - to want to learn what triggers me - to want to hold me when I cry and know that it's not them - to ask me how I'm doing without that fear in their eyes that they've done something wrong - to not constantly need to have their ego stroked while I'm struggling just to hold it together. If this marriage ends at some point, I'm definitely going to stay single. It'd be so much easier if I was alone.
