Feeling Given Up On

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Wednesday I started the partial hospitalization program. It was only a half day. It was really tough to answer a bunch of preliminary questions and fill out paperwork. Then, I met with a nurse to make a safety plan and I was exhausted from all the preliminary work that I almost couldn't answer. I went to one group session and felt completely out of place. Then, they ended early for the holiday.

I went again yesterday. I couldn't even walk into the room. A really nice, also new patient came and walked me through where to put my lunch and hang my coat and invited me to sit next to her. And then came the form to fill out. On the form you have to rate your mood on a scale of 1-10, list your emotions, state when you were mindful that day (or night before), what skills you've used so far that day, and your goals for the day. And that's when internally I fell apart.

I have this HUGE problem with right and wrong. I struggle with rating scales because I don't know the right answer. I know that I am the only one who can know the "right" answer and there isn't a "right" answer, but that logic doesn't help me. I just freeze and can't give an answer unless I can clearly tell what the expected rating would be. I tried to move on to emotions and I couldn't figure that one out either. I stared at the emotions listed on a double-sided paper and I just couldn't choose any. I couldn't think of any way that I had been mindful. I knew one skill I had used and I had two goals for the day, but I couldn't allow myself to write those in without first filling out the other parts. It got worse because then I learned that we share them out loud. It was horrible. I felt like I was being shamed every step of trying to give answers.

And then, the next session started and they came in with a form that had 4 o 5 rating scales for how you're doing with different areas in your life. I was so humiliated from the first form and completely overwhelmed I just sat there and debated whether or not I could realistically run out of there. Instead, the psychiatrist came and got me to do the psych. evaluation. And when I first got into his office (note, I have a fear of unknown men), I couldn't talk. He asked a question and I was frozen. After a minute, he asked again and he was annoyed. So my parts helped me answer his questions, but I couldn't elaborate on anything or get him to understand anything. I tried to tell him about the right and wrong issue and he looked at me like I had two heads. I asked (stupidly), if he understood what I meant and he said no. I tried again with no success. Everything he asked and I answered, he took to the direction he wanted. He went right into diagnosing and prescribing, which I know is his job, but he had no compassion whatsoever.

I left that building in tears. Going into it, I knew it would be hard for me, I did not know that it was going to be this hard. And after talking with my therapist, she said that they (the people who run the program) are already thinking this is not the right program for me. I agreed to try going on Monday again to see what a full day is like, but really, why should I keep going if they've already given up on me and made me feel worse every time I've been there. My right-wrong part is confused because quitting would be wrong and conforming would be right, but I don't know the right answers in order to conform.

I feel completely alone and discouraged. I needed something to change in my life and perhaps this isn't the right change. Maybe it will be, but today I feel alone and hopeless.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is this a program specifically for those with PTSD? If not, they may be right in that the program isn't right for you. Its one thing to understand mental disorders, another thing to understand PTSD. If this isn't a program for PTSD, then some of the things that they typically teach may not work for you, or may even be counterproductive. If they don't know much about PTSD, its guaranteed that they know even less about DID.

I'm not saying this to DIS-courage you. I am saying this because getting the wrong treatment can be even worse than no treatment at all.

I don't think the program is giving up on you. In fact, they are HELPING you by telling you the program isn't right for you (if it indeed is not). Why waste your time if their treatment isn't going to help?

Please don't give up. Give the program another try. If it doesn't work out and there isn't a PTSD program in your area, you may have to consider going away to a program. I know a lot of people look down on this option, but I'll tell you this... Every program I went away to propelled my healing forward like nothing else and if I had to do it again, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

 

[greenleaf]

Forms and more forms... sounds like one of Dante's hells to me... at the very least, pretty "one size fits all"... (but doesn't fit anyone well at all)

Not sure if I could remember when I was mindful the previous day or even during the past few hours; memory issues would make that part stressful for me, and likely lots of people with ptsd. Maybe ask them how they think their program is supposed to be helpful, and to people dealing with which issues, to see if it at least feels like it could fit you? Hmmm

Their cognitive ideas on how these activities "should" help people may not match up with reality for a lot of folks too well...:confused::(

 

[Justmehere]

First of all, way to go for having the courage to go, and stick it out for the time that you did! That really is huge, and regardless if you stay or go, please don't discount that step that you took. I'm sorry the staff already thinks you may not be a good fit. It might not be so much that they are giving up on you, as they are trying to help figure out how to meet your needs better - and yet, I understand why it would hurt. :( We need people to fight with us for our healing! Not give up so fast.

I did a local partial hospitalization program. It helped, but there were sections of the program that drove me bonkers. I hate rating scales too. I used to get super stressed, changing my answer a million times. In the end, I was glad I did the program. I have done one that was not trauma focused per se, but was very skills based, and it helped. Later I did a trauma focused intensive program, and it helped a lot more. I had to go out of state for it, but it permanently changed my life. They really understood things like why some other programs freaked me out.

For now, as you give this program a try for another day, it might be worthwhile to think through what the right-wrong part in you needs. I am guessing that the right-wrong part wants to know what is right so that you can feel more safe, can predict and plan more. Maybe it would help to find some ways that you would feel safe in other ways?

In the end, if this doesn't work out, don't lose hope. Maybe this is one step along the way towards learning what will help more.. :hug:

 

[City Slicker]

What you went through sounds so painful. But it isn't a failure. Far from it. Whether you end up staying or whether you decide it's not a good match for you, this is allowing you to get lots more information about what you need right now in order to be successful in any program and to accomplish your goals. I know how discouraging it feels right now.

Don't give up on you.
Giving up on a program that isn't a match for you is not quitting, but giving up on you is. I know it's hard to feel value in yourself when it feels like you won't fit anywhere and worse, the people supposed to help don't seem to care a lick and seem irritated that you don't fit their 'suit'.

It's worth trying another day - perhaps on Monday when you go instead of wondering if you measure up, go and view the day through the lens of whether this program is able to help you exactly where you are right now and whether they are knowledgeable and skilled enough about PTSD to help you.

 

[darrenS]

firstly , give yourself a pat on the back , you made a plan and even full of fear and anxiety , you went forward - not backward. The only thing i can see is your trying to conform , who says you have to ?, who says there's a standard profile you must fit ? I was put in a outpatient program after hospitalization and had exactly the same experience , i didn't fit - i didn't conform and yes it was horrible , i had to act like i was downcast and downtrodden, i felt i had to play a role to fit in so to speak. I decided after 2 days this was no good for me and left.

It is ok to take control of your treatment , it is ok not to fit in, and it is ok to have needs that may differ from those initially around you.
Rather than feel negative about it , feel positive, your an individual and have individual needs, you made a big step and have learnt about your needs, this is a positive thing , it means you will learn what works for you or most importantly what doesn't.

I have had many mistaken diagnoses , some of which have nearly proved fatal, i was misdiagnosed as Bipolar - the medication nearly drove me to my death. I had therapies for PTSD that do not work for complex and cause more problems , ive been put on anti depressants only to become serious suicidal, ive had terrible therapists whose inexperience has cause merry mayhem and doctors who have been nothing but arrogant and dismissive in delivering their diagnoses. In a nutshell i have learnt , to take control of my treatment, to question everything(politely), and to research anything suggested with a open mind and heart, to understand that nothing is perfect and there is no perfect one size fits all treatment.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

If it doesn't work out and there isn't a PTSD program in your area, you may have to consider going away to a program. I know a lot of people look down on this option

This is what I really want to do, but the nearest one didn't take out-of-state patients or their insurance or some non-sense and I can't imagine going very far way. Everything in your message is absolutely perfect. Thank you. I am going to try on Monday and really try to figure out if it's right for me. They know about PTSD, but definitely not DID. It's not designed for PTSD specifically so that is a problem. I am afraid I will fall into the trap of continuing the program even if it's not right because quitting is "wrong" or I will keep going to prove them wrong, which is doing it for the wrong reasons.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. Your comments are helping me feel less alone and more empowered. It's just another step on the journey towards figuring out the next path to take. Maybe it will be this program, but maybe not.

 

[littlelostchild]

You are so courageous to work through this! Whether or not this program is for you, you stayed and are giving it a try. I hope you are proud of yourself for that. You will know soon whether or not this will work for you. You and your therapist will find you what you need.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I've now been to 3 full days of the program. Monday went really well. I did a lot of visualizing myself getting there and filling out the form beforehand and that really helped. Yesterday was tough. Today was okay, but I had super high anxiety for most of the day. I still don't know if this program is going to help, but it's at least a place to feel less alone and to start me towards figuring things out. Just wanted to let you all know since you were all so kind to respond to my original post.