Feeling Hopeless!

[Marie E.]

I don't know what to do at this point. I'm rather expressing myself rather than expecting a response. But, all is welcome.

I'm having pretty bad flash backs as my abuser is just a few miles away. I can barely feel like I'm in the present and am having trouble grounding myself.

I just wish this pain from every bone in my body to the thoughts in my head and to my overwhelming feelings . . that this pain would just go away.

I know that my body/mind remembering things is my pathway to recovery, but it sure hurts like h*ll!! I know I'm supposed to let it go through me like waves and try not to restrict it.

I'm feeling guilty and responsible for my childrens well being, though it is my abuser who pins the blame on me like he always has.

It is not my fault he molested my older son.

Even worse is that I had to explain to my older boy that there is a chance he has to see his abusive father.

I found him acting out sexually on his younger brother as he is in mental anguish right now.

Although he knows he is in safe hands with mommy. I wish I knew how to take the agony out of him that his offender father has caused.

I know I am not providing much info on here to make sense. I can only give a glimpse.

On Thursday at 9am - 11am or so the evaluation will begin by a doc on my abuser's side and against odds of court orders here in the states and requirements, he is allowed this supervised visitation.

The order was to of read for my abuser to have a sexual psychological evaluation done before he could see my kids through supervised visitation. I know for a fact he has not finished the test.

It was supposed to be that IF he passed the test than the visitation could happen.

It is just so unfair. And I am afraid since the 1yr temporary custody of my children I have had has expired, that he might kidnap my kids. Even if the doc reassures me that I can have the kids back.

I feel I cannot go to sleep if I don't get this hissing pain out. Thanks to all who read.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry Marie I don't know what to say but others surely will have practical advice. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
((((Marie)))), xo

 

[Marie E.]

I think what I can hope on is that my 8yr old boy will be believed by the doc, even if the doc believed my abuser over me in court and didn't consider my ptsd.

 

[Abrasky]

When I feel helpless I think I have to keep trying, go to one doctor, also another option is go to another ask for the help of the sexual abuse support organisation in your state, they have a lot of resources available. I am thinking you are finding it hard to be strong. He wants you to make you feel hopeless. It's a typical bullying tactic in domestic violence. I've seen my mother experience it. Truth is you have a lot of power, you have your own mind, you have the truth, and you are showing your kids a wonderful mum, you are doing all the these things, every last one shows you care. See yourself through your beautiful children's eyes.
Make sure you guys get some support and help for your son and yourself. if you don't find it somewhere, say you deserve it and find it somewhere else. I think finding help for your son with his trauma with a trauma psychologist who specialises in counceling children would help. You can start stamping out his father's actions by telling him about respecting ourselves and our bodies. Get him into a extra curricular group which instills values about respecting ourselves and others. Just some ideas. I would tell my mum the same thing.

 

[anni]

I'm so sorry Marie. Maze is quite correct-he does wish you to feel helpless and it is quite typical of these *sswipes. They discover how they can use the abysmal quirks in the system and milk them dry. The thing is, docs do have a career on the line when looking at people in evaluations. I couldn't tell from your post whether you meant a medical doctor or a psychiatrist? Either way, even if it's on 'the abusers side', they have a liscence on the line. If there's an ncorrect call, or predjudice displayed they can be in trouble very quickly. A verdict in his favour really is not a foregone conclusion. The doc , even if he is on 'the abuser's side' isn't allowed to be on anyone's side but your son's-by law and for the sake of his liscence. If you suspect anything else after the examination, do report him to the medical board immediately-it's a really serious breach but I do doubt this professional would risk his career for some abuser. He really is far more likely to protect your son.

The other thing is that going against a court order is very serious. I know you're shredded at the moment, but it's time for you to make some noise at this point. Your attorney should be raising holy hell on this, you know? The 'other side' tends to test the waters to see how far things can be pushed-this sounds just outrageous.As Maze said, are there any vicitms support groups who might be able to at least help you with back up and decision making?

These abusers love all this, making us feel powerless, prolonging the bullying and terror. You're not, it just feels that way. Yes, the court system helps, to be sure- so much unfairness built in there. There are others who can help you counter the vileness however and later aid in the badly needed healing for you and your children. We're here for now- think of you!

Much peace to you-take care of all of you, ok?

 

[Srain]

Marie, Anni has said pretty much it all, I so agree. I know it's very very difficult right now but she's right, pull from us all that you can to use against that abuser, we are with you in spirit! I know how difficult it can be, I have had my own battles against mine in the legal system. They use all the mind games they can and lawyers are just words, you have your own so don't let that intimidate you.

Sending peace and strength.
Rain

 

[KP the nut]

(((Marie))) I am so sorry. I can't think/don't know what do say.

But I am with you, offering support from across the pond.

Linking arms

 

[intothelight]

(((Marie)))

I wish no parent had to go through this, and as you write I really understand where you are at, as a similar thing happed to my family.

I'm feeling guilty and responsible for my childrens well being, though it is my abuser who pins the blame on me like he always has.

It is not my fault he molested my older son.

It is so important that you keep the fact it is not your fault foremost in your head. To assume guilt is self-destructive and will render you less able to take care of your children. My guilt almost finished me off and it has been a struggle to overcome this. (Still struggling.)

Do you currently have a "no contact" order? If not, that is the first thing you should put into place. I know it is only a "piece of paper", but it is a powerful piece as any violation can result in immediate arrest, depending on which state in which you reside. Your ex should NOT be speaking with you directly as the hold they have can cloud our thinking. Make sure you get the order and any communication on his part has to be done through his attorney to yours. Getting that barrier in place is huge as it keeps them from pushing the buttons they know how to push so well.

Even worse is that I had to explain to my older boy that there is a chance he has to see his abusive father.

I found him acting out sexually on his younger brother as he is in mental anguish right now.

Although he knows he is in safe hands with mommy. I wish I knew how to take the agony out of him that his offender father has caused.

Marie, one of the key indicator that a child has been sexually abused is when they act out with other children. It is a normal response to an abnormal situation. The best thing you can do for your son is to let him know he is not responsible for being abused, and definitely provide him an outlet for his feelings so he doesn't act out. Also, going over what is acceptable or not acceptable in terms of play is very appropriate. Do you have him in counseling now? Counseling is critical and should not be put off. The sooner children work through the emotions guilt, fear, shame, etc. the better off they will be as they mature. I have both my girls in intensive therapy and it has worked wonders over the past few months.

On Thursday at 9am - 11am or so the evaluation will begin by a doc on my abuser's side and against odds of court orders here in the states and requirements, he is allowed this supervised visitation.

The order was to of read for my abuser to have a sexual psychological evaluation done before he could see my kids through supervised visitation. I know for a fact he has not finished the test.

It was supposed to be that IF he passed the test than the visitation could happen.

It is just so unfair. And I am afraid since the 1yr temporary custody of my children I have had has expired, that he might kidnap my kids. Even if the doc reassures me that I can have the kids back.

Marie, do you have good legal counsel? Also another really go option is to have the court appoint a "guardian ad litem" . I has nothing to do with giving up guardianship, and what the guardian ad litem does is represent your children independently of any other party. Many times the court will few the guardian more favorably as they remove the emotional issues that can cloud the legal proceedings. Bottom line, the court needs to act in the best interest of the children, period.

Marie, I have been fighting this fight for twelve years. There are many times I have lost a battle, but I am not losing this war. But along the way I have learned a lot and if you wish to PM me, I can give you some information about specific services that can really help you. I am also working with some grass roots organizations to facilitate changes in the criminal justice system to change how domestic violence and sexual abuse cases are handled.

No, I am not an attorney and do not have a legal background, I am just one pissed off mom.

(((hugs)))
Deb

 

[deer_in_headlights]

(((((((((((Marie))))))))))

I think everyone's advice here is crucial... Deb's offer sounds like a real lifeline for you and your children! I hope you grab it, please don't paralyze and collapse now. Advice from pissed-off moms is the greatest!

You still have time this week to put some protections into place, but you need to be pro-active now.

The no-contact order is powerful help and provides strong legal protection and documentation that you need. You can obtain one, today.

Can you hire a security firm for the day to protect your children from a potential kidnapping from the evaluating doc's office?
I know Gavin de Becker's firm does things like this, so there might be a local firm that will do this for you.
You could ask the Victim's Assistance Center, Women's Shelter, your lawyer or even call your local police dept. and ask for advice.

With worry, concern, linking arms and sending much love!
Deer

 

[Marie E.]

Maze - We have all the support needed. My son has seen a therapist with success, and if need be I will get him in again. Yes, I think a group would be good for him based on his particular painful history. Thank you so much for your support!! Linking Arms!!

Anni - The evaluator was a former personality evaluator to my abuser and I for the court. She is very elderly, but no excuses on her behalf and she took my abusers side and didn't even consider my ptsd. Yes I think she is a Doc. I don't know why I call psychologist docs. My lawyer here in the states, along with in Canada talked with both my abuser's lawyers and somehow I have to abide by law to cooperate. Thanks for your support!! Linking Arms!!

Thank you for your support Rain!! Linking Arms!!

KP - Thanks and (((Big Hugs))) Linking Arms!!

IntoTheLight - Yes, same as I told Maze with the lawyer thing. I know it is common for children who are sexual abused to act out on another child. I just hate seeing it happen after so much success on behalf of my older child. Therapy had really helped him. I will get him more help if needed. Thxs for your support!! Linking Arms!!

Deer - Thank you so much for your advice, I will check into that!! Linking Arms!!

 

[Nighthawk]

(((HUGS)))

NH

 

[Abrasky]

Hugs Marie : )
It sounds like you are doing really well.
I just wanted to add good luck with the courts.
And also sometimes it doesn't seem like children need councelling, because when it's on the inside you can't see it. It sits there like a time bomb. And the time bomb may not come up again until later when happens that is brings all the memories back up. The abandonment and experience deprivation associated with sexual abuse from my dad caused a time bomb that knocked me into PTSD later. Please make sure there are no time bombs. The best time to heal them is immediately. hugs.

I also think into the light has some wonderful suggestions you could pursue.