Feeling Like A Loner

[GWhizz]

Does anyone else ever find that it feels as if you have no real friends? It's not that I don't have friends at all. It just feels like I've no one close enough to understand me or who I trust enough. Maybe it's the circles I've mixed in or the fact that I've moved a lot and lost friendships due to distance and so on. I always make friends but they don't seem to be the longterm lasting ones. In fact I tend to sabotage relationships over silly things.

I think jealousy is a horrible quality though I can't help but feel a little hard done by that I don't have that group of childhood friends that most people I know have. The friends I make tend to have their own 'group' of lifetime friends and I always feel on the outside or that my friends are lots of different random people who maybe wouldn't have a lot in common if I were to group them together.

I feel like I lost out that time as a child to be happy and free and make lasting relationships. Then as a teen I stopped speaking for 3years during my worst traumas and lost literally all of my friends. I moved away, picked myself up and made a lovely group of friends in college. Though I had to move again for employment and tried to pick up some old friendships but they'll never be as tight as they once were. I also had a falling out with my bestfriend since 4years old about 2years back as she was in an abusive relationship and I just couldn't stand by and watch her do that to herself and refuse help blindly. I have since gotten in touch with her again and we plan to meet up soon - she left that abusive guy in the end and had a whirlwind romance and is now recently married. I don't know if we can be close again but I wish we could be. Though we were more distant as teens as we went to different schools etc, and she doesn't know about my abuse, I still feel that she is the only person that truly knows me - the only one who understood me without having to ask and who cared unconditionally. I really need her.

My partner and child are amazing. Though I need other supports to cope. I know it's my own fault for sabotaging relationships as I fear attachment and abandonment so I tend to end things if I feel scared or that they may abandon me 1st. I just wish I was better with personal friendships. I wish I could be myself. I don't expect to tell people of my trauma, it may be good to have my old bestfriend know though I think she's still aggrieved that I left her to figure her relationship choices out for herself.

Sorry this is a bit of a rant. It's just something that's weighing on me a lot lately. Something that makes me question myself or what's wrong with me. I don't know if I do something to put people off, if I've just had unfortunate life circumstances that affected potential stronger friendships, or if it's completely down to my fears of attachment etc, or all of these. I just want to grow what I have. I'm not looking for miracles or to be automatically accepted into a perfect group. I don't want to continue my pattern of destroying the good things in my life. Because I need people. I love my own time but I also get energy from company equally.

Thanks for reading

 

[ghotiff]

Friendships are tricky and adult friendships are very different to childhood ones.

There is a new opportunity for friendships when your child starts
school because kids start having play dates and parents/mothers group together over school.

I know this is a while away but you also stated you have some friendship skills to work on and I thought having a timeframe for this opportunity might give you something to look forward to.

 

[Chava]

I feel like a loner often too. For me it's also become sort of depressing because I feel stuck. I don't feel very motivated to work on friendships, I don't get close to others, and I feel like finding good friends is a monumental task I could just avoid. I have had good friends and we've been separated by moving for jobs or the busy-ness of raising children. So it helps me to know I'm not incapable of friendship. But I do feel very alone and also very stunted in my efforts to connect, and I don't know how to fix it because a big part of me doesn't care enough any more....it's like the part that never had needs met so, instead of becoming more needy, found it pretty easy to starve toward my death. The whole need for connection is off track. I've also filled my life with stuff and just need rest or space after work. I enjoy some of my colleagues and get along well in a friendly way with many people. I have a group of people who will invite me to parties or dinner. I just don't have any close friends right now and haven't for a long time. Sometimes I am aware of a wall I put up between myself and others.

Sorry I don't have anything helpful to add. But I relate to being a loner. I also relate to recognizing the need for others, for support and for connection. Probably that's the depressing part...sometimes it feels like I am withering without enough human connection but the pattern is probably so old and deep I don't know how to change. It takes too much energy.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks @ghotiff I actually have made a lot of new 'mummy' friends from pregnancy yoga, breastfeeding groups etc. But they're so new I just wish I had closer friends. I do have some old friends but keeping in touch is hard as we all move in different directions in life, as is common I suppose.

I understand childhood friendships are on a different level to adult ones. Though I guess I just find it hard when people tend to assume a lot about me - probably from a facade I still wear - such as that I come from a loving family who are there to babysit or that I grew up in a well-off family and was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I guess I present myself somewhat this way as both my parents did come from well to do families and carried some of the attitude, mannerisms, accent etc on. Though it bugs me when I literally grew up in extreme poverty and neglect. And I have no family beyond my partner and son and his family who live a distance away.

What really hurts most, I'm realizing, is that no friendships ever really match up with potential family supports.

 

[GWhizz]

@Chava our posts crossed. I'm sorry you can relate. It is so hard. Sometimes I see people on the bus chatting on their phones to friends and I feel at times I don't have anyone close enough to more than text or call to arrange a meet up every once in a while. I also have a great relationship with my colleagues, but again they all have their own groups of friends outside of work and are not all too keen to make new friendships it seems. When I was on maternity leave, the girls at work made a great effort to call a lot or meet up for coffee etc. So I guess I can't complain and I know I do have friendship skills.

I just wonder is there a point in life where you've 'missed the boat' to make lasting solid friendships?

I am so tired of the past traumas and ptsd impacting my ability to just try to lead a reasonably fulfilling life with some genuine friendships.

But like you @Chava part of me is beat and has given up the effort and energy it consumes to try and try again yet seemingly come out alone each time.

 

[Chava]

I think it's good to wonder about, if it doesn't turn into a sort of fatalism (this is my thing lately...thinking my whole future will be isolative shit hole). Before going back to therapy and trying to really do something about my situation, I think I totally distracted myself from even thinking about my loneliness. So in a way, it's at least a step into awareness or accepting things as they are. For now I feel stuck not knowing how much I need to maybe accept and knowing what I really can change....or if I make a little better effort, what direction to take so it doesn't feel like another exhausting or embarrassing dead end (like the wrong route or the right route but I put a bubble around myself).

 

[KwanYingirl]

I am a loner too. Historically I isolate and keep just a few near and dear friends. What has shocked me is how many friend requests I get on Facebook from high school friends. I never socialized I felt so ruined and tormented, I still struggle with chit chat. I am always liked at work bu as I moved from one state to another and started a family, the old friends evaporated. An old boss of mine gets a small group together once a year and I do enjoy it. I just don't stick to anyone or anything. Attachment issues big time.

Now I'm moving again for about the 20th time and wonder if I will make any friends there. I just don't know how to be a joiner. Seriously, my therapist was amazed that I joined a support group, so maybe there's hope for me. I do get lonely.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I have often reflected on the diversity of what I need in friendship.

I am a person that enjoys solitude and is creative so I need that space. I also desire to roll up my sleeves and dig in some areas-hence various boards or sites. I enjoy people, so I work in real time settings that allow being in a form of community and giving + receiving hugs. I try to love people unconditionally at each job and often receive unconditional love!!!

It is like Johnny Appleseed and planting. Recognize what seed you wish to nurture and quite often (weather permitting) it will sprout up. Tender, new ...be gentle with each gift as there is a unique beauty within each seed. Yet it is important to remember for me, that no one crop can complete me. I must do that myself.:hug:

 

[joeylittle]

Maybe it's the circles I've mixed in or the fact that I've moved a lot and lost friendships due to distance and so on. I always make friends but they don't seem to be the longterm lasting ones.

I'm exactly this.

I have one friend, a real friend; she doesn't know all about my trauma, but I've talked to her a great deal about my depression. She was someone I knew from college, and we had been friends-ish there. She is an extraordinary person - and especially good at keeping in touch. Our paths crossed again professionally about 10 years ago, and she started being good about keeping in touch with me.

Finally, I just started being good about returning the attention.
I think, although it's hard, sometimes those people from our earlier years can be easier to form new (deeper) relationships with, than with new-new people.

 

[mrsps]

I have 2 good friends that I have been friends with for years, other than them I don't really have anyone else. I struggle to make friends as I think so low of myself and think no one would want to be my friend. :( I also at times avoid these 2 friends I do have as think im not good enough. I just find it really hard to open up around people and get so nervous about having to talk

 

[KwanYingirl]

I sense a common attribute among us. But we have each other here and we yak a lot!!! It's a good place to practice

 

[jmni]

I struggled with this for a very long time. It is difficult to compare myself to people who've had the same friends for years. But I think it is really important to learn how to be alone and to like being alone. When you accept that you're alone you can learn a lot about yourself. You can change how you live and what you do. I read a book by Erich Fromme (The Art of Loving) and he said that you can't be with another until you learn to be alone. Once you can like being alone with yourself only then can you really appreciate being with another person. Now I've gotten so use to being alone I don't want to be with someone else.

You shouldn't envy people with a ton of friends. I mean, sure maybe there are some out there that are worth envying. But a lot of people who are in groups are just too afraid to be alone or start over. Chose your friends wisely.