Feeling lonely and abandoned despite some human interaction

[bgoewb]

I've noticed that my loneliness has increased over time. A close friend of mine has had a boyfriend for a year and I am now understanding why people have such issues with friends and their love interests.

I'm not against her having a boyfriend at all. He makes her happy and I'd much rather her be happy than sad, but now she's talking to him in some form 24/7. It is a long distance relationship, so it complicates things.

I feel guilty saying this, but in a way I'm glad he's not here because I feel like she'd be spending every single free time with him and not with me. When she's with me, though, she has her attention either split or fully on him. If it's ever fully on me, it's for about 30 minutes at the most if asked, but it's rare.

Her boyfriend gets all nervous and feels like he needs to be talking to her all the time. He fears she will leave him. I don't blame him for this, but I wish he would listen to us when we suggest he goes into therapy or find some form of coping methods besides constantly pestering my friend. The only time my friend sees it as an issue is when she's on her period and pissy toward everyone.

I used to get some sort of fulfillment with my spent time with her. It made me stop feeling so suicidal and alone, but now it doesn't do anything. She'll be with me, but then she's on the phone with him for hours or nearly the whole time. I'll know the reception cut out or there's bad connection when she talks to me for a second, but once she's able to call back or reconnects, she goes right back and apologizes to him.

I'm not looking forward to the vacation he comes over. I do want to make sure she's safe, but I just know it'll probably be even more difficult.

I remember her telling me, "When he's here you'll have to third wheel a bit and I'm sorry about that..."

I wanted to reply with, "I already do, so don't worry. I'm basically non-existent to you."

It's depressing. I don't want to stop being her friend because of something stupid like this. I still love her and want the best for her, I still care for her, and whenever she comes to talk to me about something then I'll listen.

It just doesn't feel as great anymore. She comes and talks to me, I listen for however long, and then she's good. I feel the need to talk to her, but she's busy talking to her boyfriend. I give her my full attention, but hers is on her boyfriend. I've started bringing my earbuds with me so that I could listen to music and be in my own world. It's not like she cares anyways.

 

[Ukav]

That's hella-rude!

Set a boundary.

"When you are with me, I expect your attention to be with me, and not him. If you cannot do this, I will have to walk away".

She doesn't understand the concept of balance and in the process she's losing friends over some insecure loser who needs therapy and not a ling distance relationship.

 

[Bitis]

She doesn't sound like a very good friend and the boyfriend sounds pathetic!

 

[Foma]

She is blind, I think because she is in love and until you tell her point blank what is going on you will continue to feel bad and grow more resentful and she will continue to hurt you.

I think the ear buds were good but maybe next time you can leave and go away and do something that will make you feel better about yourself. This is a very hurtful situation for you but it is a common life thing that happens to a lot of people.

I would try to talk to her about how this is affecting and you setting some boundaries and limits on her saying that you are not willing to go along with her anymore and that you will be finding other things to do because it is hurtful to you.

No matter how you choose to face and deal with this situation I wish the best outcome for you.

 

[Ukac]

It’s funny. I also have a friend who I love dearly who is in a long distance relationship. I also absolutely love spending time with her but in my case I feel she spends a lot of time with me and enjoys it as well.

I was definitely in love with her but enough time has passed that is over. It has evolved into a deep true mutual friendship.

She knows how I feel and she is loyal to the relationship with her boyfriend, I have to respect that boundary I feel. I also happen to live with her so I somehow made it less awkward between us while we remain close friends with each other.

I afford her the space she wants and decided to expand my world by engaging in a couple light social conventions every week which helps both of us expand horizons.

She has chosen her boyfriend and it’s not me but I’m okay with that now. It wasn’t easy to come to that place.

She goes on trips with him now and then and occasionally he visits which is awkward but doable, we can interact, we have all three gone out and done things together as well which turned out well really. This was unexpected really considering we are all 15 years in age apart! What an interesting trio to be hanging out!

Still boys will be boys and I have a really,really hard time not having those feelings for her from time to time but she still spends a lot of time with me anyway and we both enjoy it. There is no rush. We are great friends.


We both have our freedoms and boundaries and that’s how it is working for us.

There is no question in my mind she loves me. No question in hers either.

I don’t know if this helps you but I know reading every story like ours helps me and someone else along the way. Thank you.