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Relationship Emotional Trauma/Unsolved issues

J

James U.

I will try to keep this short, I have been dating this perfect woman (To me she is perfect) for 6 months exactly last week. Ever since we started talking over the phone and them met in person, everything was great! We clicked immediately and we were honest about what we wanted and what we liked.

In the beginning she was afraid that due to my high paying job (She does not make alot at her current job) that she was afraid I would leave her or something. Which I told her was not true and I am not that type of person who looks at social class, ethnicity, nothing like that. As long as she treated me with respect and love, that would never happen. We were super honest and had the best communication. Something that she did tell me when she in the beginning before I asked her to be my girlfriend was that she had a very difficult life.

Parents kicked her out at age 16, her own dad would call her telling her she ruined the family (Her dad had an affair with another woman and said if she told anyone he would kick her out. Mom eventually found out and sided with the dad at moment to fix their relationship but never stopped loving her daughter), she had to find someway to live and even went to a very dangerous neighborhood to live since she was still in high school. Walking home one day from school she was sexually abused by a stranger. She has been robbed, and her past boyfriends have abused her physically. When she told me all this, all I could think was how this amazing woman who has gone through all this trauma still managed to smile and live her day to day.

So after telling me about her past, she said she gets moments of depression or she said she was "down", but I knew that it meant she was going through alot, when she told me that she was down she prefers her space, I would ask her if she wanted to talk about it but she is more of the, I will tell you when I am ready type. She has alot of anxiety, always thinking of the next day (She literally works to survive and barely has time for vacations), so when she sleeps at night she only sleeps a couple of hours since she thinks alot.

She is so strong and so brave that I told her that she will be safe with me and I told her that it would be different from here on out, and then after 1 month i asked her to be my girl. For 6 months it was nothing but happiness, I gave her my 100% and more and even when she had her down moments I gave it my all and would still give it. I would always have food at home, fridge stocked (Before she would only eat cereal or McDonalds, anything that was cheap as she didn't know how to cook and didn't have enough money to buy a fully stocked fridge every 15 days. So I would always buy food for her, I would take her to her work, and when I was at work I would order her an uber to and from work. I prefer she didn't use the bus all the time. I took her on a shopping spree once (She did not know what that was nor ever went on a spree, she would buy her clothes at cheap places which is fine, but obviously any girls likes something more.) So I took her on a shopping spree at the mall, just got there and said buy whatever you want, clothes, purses, heels (She really likes using heels, and likes to feel pretty for me). I would enjoy watching her try them out and she even told me she loves the attention and love I give her and not just be those guys who stands outside waiting. I would help her get her hair done, and nails every month, and she could normally not do both or at all the time. Something I respect so much is how smart she is, our conversations was always so fascinating, even though we had great intimacy, our conversations were always so intense. I would try and help her out at night with her anxiety by talking a lot, sometimes up to 5AM. She hadn't seen her family in so long as they live far and are also financially struggling, that I paid for her mom and brother to come, and paid for her trip and anything they needed. She had her bachelors degree something that to me I gave her alot of praise because not everyone start and completes it, and not only did she do it and complete it, she did it with all her limitations and trauma.

However due to where I live (Costa Rica) she would not make more than what she works in right now (Fitness Instructor). So she needs a masters to fully get a decent pay here in what she is studying (School Teacher). and since it is very expensive, and she hasn't been able to study for 2 years due to not having the money for it, I decided to surprise her and pay it for her. Our dates have been amazing, very nice places where she had never gone and it was always fresh and different, also I would open the door for her every time she got on and off, never did I want her to open it on her own. She has been nothing but grateful and has never asked me for any of this, but I told her that good things do happen to great people like her and that she will never owe me anything. Since I told her form the beginning, she can expect all my love, everything she ever needs as long as she feels safe and protected with me.

All her friends, family and even best friend (Who does not believe in love) told her I am a one of a kind of guy, I am not perfect but when I do place my time and commitment into something i try my best. Now just to resume all this because it has been nothing but a great relationship, best I have ever had in my life to be honest, communication, love, intellect. She even once told me that I hope I never break up with her or else she will never find a guy like me who gives her all the love and respect and happiness she wants and that it was a very honest comment from her end. Now last week everything was normal, but on Tuesday night her little cousin who is like a little brother to her and currently lives with her Mom due to legal reasons, texted her and says he missed his biological mom, and that he was sad and other things. This broke her, the day before this she had told me "hey babe just for you to know I am a little down but just for you to know love you".

And so I understood and knew that she wants her space because she has told me she likes not to talk about it and that me being there wont fix it, which I understood so I was there, ready in standby for whatever she needed and how she wanted my help. She has only once replied harshly towards me which was when I asked her if she was ok since I knew she was down but obviously i did not take this personally because she had told me her emotions overtake her during this time and she told me the next day that she wanted to see me cause I hadn't seen her in 2 weeks due to her work. And then 2 hours later she said that she think she needs to talk to me. And so after her job, I picked her up, she greeted my normally, and we spoke normally on the way home, she was crying for a moment as well which I knew was also part of her issues.

When we got home I helped her out with her things and we started talking, she told me the situation of her brother, how her mom would call her and cry about the situation at home, of providing for him, and school and other things, and she told me she had a lot of emotional baggage (I don't know if that is the correct wording) but she said she apologized for replying harshly to me, and that her emotions overtake her and I told her not to worry that I understand completely. I have never raised my voice or anything to her, and she told me that I am always giving my 100% and that she is always trying to but that she cant due to her issues always arising, family needed help or other situations. And so she told me she is not in conditions right now and that she thought she was ready. This really hurt me because I also knew she was limited to what she feels about me cause she is really distracted by everything else happening.

And So she told me she feels bad seeing me like this and that I became someone very important in her life, but that she needed to get well and solve these thing individually. So I am just very down about this cause she was perfect to me and I wanted to help her out further. She told me I would never understand her situation but I told her I may not understand but I can adjust and help however she wants me too. So she told me that it is hard for her too regardless of everything and that she does not know what life will hold in the future but that she is not in conditions. So She has not blocked me or anything and I feel like if I wait some time, months or so that she might text me back and we can continue or try again. I know I should not expect to wait but I would like to know if there is still a chance she might want to try again and she said that It was not because she stopped caring but due to her emotional situation.
 
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I would like to know if there is still a chance she might want to try again and she said that It was not because she stopped caring but due to her emotional situation.
There’s a chance. Unfortunately there’s also a chance that you’ve reached the end of the honeymoon period and she actually wasn’t ready for the relationship. It could go either way.

One thing that you probably can count on is if she has ptsd, and has walked away from the relationship once as a coping strategy, she’s very likely to use that coping strategy again in the future. That’s very common - avoidance.
 
I appreciate your time for reading this whole issue, and for your response, unfortunately I was not aware that there existed a honeymoon stage. I think I will try the 30 day rule and see if she reaches out to me, as I want to respect her space and decision to resolve all her issues independently and get well as she mentioned to me, see how that goes.
 
I told her that she will be safe with me
As someone who is a natural protector, myself?

(Who both has, and has almost exclusively dated people with PTSD).

It can be EXTREMELY hard, when people don’t trust us TO protect them.

Conversely?

As someone with combat PTSD? Pfft. There’s no such thing as “safe”. And I would not trust anyone who believed “safe” is a thing, instead of a fleeting feeling, totally unrelated to reality.

I know. It doesn’t really make sense / is extremely hippocritcal that I can have one demand upon others, and another entirely from them. That’s PTSD for you, though. It is exceptionally rare that anyone without the same trauma history parses that particular mindf*ck.

unfortunately I was not aware that there existed a honeymoon stage
Generally the first 6mo of any relationship, up to about 2-3 years when the “new love” neurochem wears off (I love you, but I’m not in love with you); and no matter how much people TRY? Few people are able to remain on “good behavior” &/or lie for longer than about 2 years.

But 6mo? Is the first major watershed for all relationships, not just PTSD relationships.

Most? (That make it out the gate) fail at about 6mo.
The rest? Mostly Fail at 2-3 years or 7 years.

Word to the wise? Don’t get married until the mask drops in that 2-3 year mark. And around 3 years in? Start setting up “surprise” encounters (where you don’t expect to see her, or she doesn’t expect to see you). As the surprise resets the neurochem for a jolt of OMFG I LOVE YOU!!!
 
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