I think mania may finally be easing (not that I've changed drugs yet as not seeing GP til Thurs!!!)
Just feeling really low. Glad I'm working at holiday club this week so have some respite from myself!! :(
I went to mate's wedding over weekend - was a friend who I went through therapy with. I have stayed close to her (although miss the closeness so much we used to have before she met her now wife...) Strangely this week signifies a lot for me - A year since I took full responsibilities on back at work after 4 months off sick and then phased return/light duties, 2 years since I first started 1:1 therapy, 10years since my mental health deteriorated so much I saw a psych for the 1st time & 7 years since I left therapy. I have been quite reflective about how far I have come in that time. But it doesn't seem enough... Hate the fact I'm still so vulnerable. I hate the fact that right now my life is the most settled it's probably ever been yet, once again my mental health is deteriorating... I hate the fact I live in a world of constant paranoia, not knowing who is going to trip me up... I hate being me - I have to work far too hard to survive and even harder to achieve and try and make a success of life. I hate that 20 years later I still can't escape the shackles of my past... I hate my dad for the way he treated not just me but my whole family, I hate my mum for not being there when I needed her most when dad left, I hate my sisters for the way they treated mum, I hate 'him' for what he did to me, and myself for allowing him to do so... Urgh...
I know so much of this is linked into my current uncertainty about what's going on with me right now and how to fix it. I'm petrified that I'll have no choice but to be honest with my work as once again I'll need some time off - I can't keep taking time off every year when I get ill... Love love love my job - it keeps me going. The last thing I want to do us loose it :(
Really missing therapies this week (she's away in Ireland so not texting/emailing her like I usually do daily!)... It's scared me to realised how dependent I have cone on her...
Oh and spent weekend away at wedding with my man, sharing room/bed with him!! Yey to hardly any flashbacks (only the incredibly painful sensory ones which are the worst!!) but then I didn't sleep at all all weekend (which may also be contributing to me being low...). I enjoyed his company but by Monday eve I was ratty and needed my own space. I realised I am incapable of maintaining a proper relationship and feel I let him down as sharing a bed is as far as it got... ;((
Sorry to rant, just needed to put pen to paper so to speak...
Just feeling really low. Glad I'm working at holiday club this week so have some respite from myself!! :(
I went to mate's wedding over weekend - was a friend who I went through therapy with. I have stayed close to her (although miss the closeness so much we used to have before she met her now wife...) Strangely this week signifies a lot for me - A year since I took full responsibilities on back at work after 4 months off sick and then phased return/light duties, 2 years since I first started 1:1 therapy, 10years since my mental health deteriorated so much I saw a psych for the 1st time & 7 years since I left therapy. I have been quite reflective about how far I have come in that time. But it doesn't seem enough... Hate the fact I'm still so vulnerable. I hate the fact that right now my life is the most settled it's probably ever been yet, once again my mental health is deteriorating... I hate the fact I live in a world of constant paranoia, not knowing who is going to trip me up... I hate being me - I have to work far too hard to survive and even harder to achieve and try and make a success of life. I hate that 20 years later I still can't escape the shackles of my past... I hate my dad for the way he treated not just me but my whole family, I hate my mum for not being there when I needed her most when dad left, I hate my sisters for the way they treated mum, I hate 'him' for what he did to me, and myself for allowing him to do so... Urgh...
I know so much of this is linked into my current uncertainty about what's going on with me right now and how to fix it. I'm petrified that I'll have no choice but to be honest with my work as once again I'll need some time off - I can't keep taking time off every year when I get ill... Love love love my job - it keeps me going. The last thing I want to do us loose it :(
Really missing therapies this week (she's away in Ireland so not texting/emailing her like I usually do daily!)... It's scared me to realised how dependent I have cone on her...
Oh and spent weekend away at wedding with my man, sharing room/bed with him!! Yey to hardly any flashbacks (only the incredibly painful sensory ones which are the worst!!) but then I didn't sleep at all all weekend (which may also be contributing to me being low...). I enjoyed his company but by Monday eve I was ratty and needed my own space. I realised I am incapable of maintaining a proper relationship and feel I let him down as sharing a bed is as far as it got... ;((
Sorry to rant, just needed to put pen to paper so to speak...
