Upside Down Eagle
Diamond Member
Hi mods, I am putting this in this category because it feels like a dissociative condition.
For the forum people, help me with this...
Background: childhood trauma, possible sexual trauma (not sure, blurry memories) and I'm a transman.
I am using testosterone and the symptoms can sometimes be influenced by hormonal shifts, but not always.
Normally it's like this:
Like a lot of you, I struggle with being in the "now" and I have a lot of fear around dealing with reality. Since childhood I have tended to space off, be somewhere in a fantasy realm, talk to people that weren't really there (imaginary support people), and have dissociative episodes and literal out-of-body experiences.
But I *know* what it actually feels like to be in my body: grounded, calm, with my senses, breathing, stable.
The spooky thing...
Sometimes I have this feeling in my body as if I were being replaced psychologically with a sort of "cloud of love". It takes over my body. I can still *observe* that it is happening, but I don't know where it is coming from or how to put an end to it. It is very hard to describe, here are two comparisons.
I will not feel any possibility of grounding, and it makes me wheel an extreme enmeshment / codependency with whatever surroundings I happen to be in at the time (house, environment etc). It feels somehow related to this notion of being "contained", as if I were forced to be in an egg.
How the (___) can I lose that feeling of being possessed by it?
I almost feel like this was caused in the womb or very early infancy, and also feels slightly sexual. I have no idea what to do with it.
I will be enormously appreciative if someone(s) can help.
With (real) love,
Eagle
For the forum people, help me with this...
Background: childhood trauma, possible sexual trauma (not sure, blurry memories) and I'm a transman.
I am using testosterone and the symptoms can sometimes be influenced by hormonal shifts, but not always.
Normally it's like this:
Like a lot of you, I struggle with being in the "now" and I have a lot of fear around dealing with reality. Since childhood I have tended to space off, be somewhere in a fantasy realm, talk to people that weren't really there (imaginary support people), and have dissociative episodes and literal out-of-body experiences.
But I *know* what it actually feels like to be in my body: grounded, calm, with my senses, breathing, stable.
The spooky thing...
Sometimes I have this feeling in my body as if I were being replaced psychologically with a sort of "cloud of love". It takes over my body. I can still *observe* that it is happening, but I don't know where it is coming from or how to put an end to it. It is very hard to describe, here are two comparisons.
- For any of you that know how they feel with an overload of progesterone in their body; kind of fuzzy and in a vague state
- Less likely, for any of you that know what it feels like to take MDMA.
I will not feel any possibility of grounding, and it makes me wheel an extreme enmeshment / codependency with whatever surroundings I happen to be in at the time (house, environment etc). It feels somehow related to this notion of being "contained", as if I were forced to be in an egg.
How the (___) can I lose that feeling of being possessed by it?
I almost feel like this was caused in the womb or very early infancy, and also feels slightly sexual. I have no idea what to do with it.
I will be enormously appreciative if someone(s) can help.
With (real) love,
Eagle
