Feeling Out Of Options...

[K25664]

I stumbled across this website today and thought I'd register, maybe someone going through something similar can offer me some advice.

I was diagnosed with PTSD as an adolescent but my trauma has never affected me to this extent. I think maybe now is the first time I'm actually seeing it for what it is. I've always just thought that I was really depressed and couldn't understand why the medications or other treatment options that have been thrown at me haven't been effective. I always used to say that the reason things weren't working was because I needed something that was more "individualized" or that I needed more counselling because I had a lot that I needed to work through, but I was never able to really say what everything I needed to work through was.

I think the best way to describe it is that I have had multiple traumas in my life that have led up to me feeling this way. I was abused as a child which I think is what started this. I lost my sister when I was in high school. Another really big thing for me is a serious relationship with a guy who was a huge part of my life for about twelve years when I didn't really feel like I had any other support in my life. This is really starting to impact me now even though it's been almost two years since we broke up. It was never a healthy relationship. He hurt me, over and over again, yet I kept going back to him. I guess I never realized what he was doing to me or I was able to rationalize how he treated me. It was like when things were good between us they were so good that it was almost a kind of a high. And when things were bad, I just remembered how good they could be and I couldn't let go of that. He contacted me again a few months ago and even though we're not in a relationship right now, it's still causing a lot of problems. Yet the idea of cutting him out of my life is unbearable at this point. I came across an article on trauma bonds recently and after doing some more reading on it, that seems to fit perfectly with what I have with this guy. It's like the connection I feel for him I can't really describe, even though I know it was never healthy and he's never treated me well. He's always been the one in control of our relationship. It's like he has such a strong influence on my emotions. When he talks to me, I'm always happy to hear from him. But if he says the wrong thing I can go from feeling okay to crying with no warning. And I get anxious knowing when I'm going to hear from him and I have no control over it. I'm trying to cut him out of my life but I don't know how. It's like even when I'm not talking to him, he's always there. And it's more than just missing an ex-boyfriend. There are times when something unexpected will start triggering memories, like just seeing a colour or a food and I don't know how to avoid it.

I guess I'm at a point where I don't know where else to go to get help but I know I can't keep going like this. I'm finally starting to realize that a lot of my depression in the past has related to how my relationship with this guy is going. And I don't know what to do about it. It's like a constant cycle for me and I want to break out of it but don't know how. I'm having a hard time managing suicidal thoughts and don't know what to do about that either. I'm scared because every time I've been in this place it's always ended with a suicide attempt and that seems to be what it takes for me to be able to push these feelings away for a while. But I also know that each of my attempts has been more serious and that it would likely be successful if I were to try again. I really don't want to die, I just don't know how else to escape the pain that I'm feeling and no one really seems to understand it when I try to explain how much I'm hurting.

I'm seeing a counsellor weekly, I have a really good relationship with her, but it doesn't seem to be enough right now and I'm having a really hard time making it in between sessions. I call suicide hotlines, sometimes it's a nice distraction, but I often get someone who tells me to go read a book or go take a bath and call back when if I need to and then I hang up feeling dismissed and feeling worse. My counsellor sent me to the hospital after our session last week because she was really concerned about me, and they just sent me home. They say that I just have chronic low mood and I've managed to keep myself safe so far so I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and they don't have anything else to offer me. I guess I'm not really feeling heard when I try to express how hard it really is.

I think I'm just feeling pretty hopeless right now. I feel like the help I need just doesn't seem to be available. Does anyone have any advice they can offer?

 

[The Albatross]

I really don't want to die, I just don't know how else to escape the pain that I'm feeling

Hold that thought K, and ask your counselor to teach you management techniques in between sessions. I think if you haven't already done so, I would be very candid about calling suicide hotlines and how you feel afterwards.

At some point I had to stop wanting people to understand how much I was hurting and the emotional pain I was in and I had to start working a recovery anchored on the realization that I wanted to learn how to live and cope. The educational/peer support/recovery approach worked for me better.

There's lots of good information and management techniques here... and it's a 24-7-365 forum (24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year). Hopefully participation here will help you fill in the gaps in between sessions.

 

[HelenB]

I am glad you have found this forum as there are a lot of supportive people here and lots of information.

I am sorry that you are finding things so hard and overwhelming at the moment but would also agree that holding the thought that you do not want to die is so important and I know for me that when I hold on to the fact that I have chosen life and not death it does help so much.

I would suggest that though it is hard that your trauma is effecting you so much at the moment, that once it can come up and you are able to work through it and bring safety for yourself into all those hurting areas which you sound like you have always known have been there and needed to be worked through, it really bring a freedom from it and that there can be so much more positive for the future.

I do know for myself that process of going through it can at times be so hard and overwhelming and can hear you are feeling that things are so hopeless at the moment, and really would encourage you that even though what you feel is so real to you, you can get through this and holding on to that hope of life which you do have is so important.

I am glad you have a therapist who you trust and really hope that within it all you can also find the strength and trust in yourself to be able to get through this with whatever support you do need. I know for myself that when I feel like everything is so overwhelming and I feel I cannot get through, that leads to the suicidal ideation, which I know for me can be so strong and at times very scary, but I have been learning more and more that actually that for me really is running away from the problems, and what that little girl in me needs so much more is to be able to have the faith and trust that I can get through this and that she is worth so much more and worth fighting for, and when I can look at it like that it does help so much more and do not know if thinking about it like that may help you too.

I hope all I have said makes some kind of sense, but mostly want to say welcome and I hope you can find the support and friendship you deserve from this site as you progress further in your journey of healing.

God bless
Helen