Feeling Very Out Of Sorts

[Sick of Fear]

The past few weeks have felt like nothing but triggers coming at me from every direction. I saw a horrific scene in a movie over the weekend that is still burned in my memory. I know, just a movie...not real...but real enough and too close to home for me.

My family has been up to their usual drama and I'm trying really hard to disconnect from that because I can't fix it and I need to stop worrying about their stuff. (Been going on for years, some things really never change)

All of this makes me more sensitive to th social anxiety I get, along with the anxiety I feel when my husband isn't home. He has become my "safe place", and without him here, I feel like I'm falling apart being alone in my head.

I just want my brain to shut up for five minutes. I want my heart rate to get back to normal and for this lump in my throat to either choke me to death or go away. My children need me. These feelings aren't just unhealthy for me. I don't like feeling this way around them. I don't feel like the mother they deserve to have right now.

Like the signals given that snap people back to reality from being hypnotized, I need something to bring me back from this hole I've been sucked back into. Thanks for reading. Maybe getting it out will help some.

 

[rainy_daze]

I hope posting helped bring you back a little, Sick of Fear.

I think it's important that your feelings are valid and they are yours, regardless of your rection being to something that was not real in a movie. It upset you, and that's real to you. I have experienced that before in a film, and many people get upset at things they see, even without having the added pressure of PTSD. If I was talking to you face to face, I would tell you that it sounds to me like you are beating yourself up over how bad you are feeling, which in turn is making you feel that you are not an adequate mother. I am hopeful that this is not the case, and there will be people (such as your husband) that could challenge your idea that you are not the mother your children deserve - because you want to be the mother your children deserve, which says to me that you love them and want to be the best you can be. You also cannot always help the way you feel. No one is perfect, we are all human.

You acknowledged that you need to stop worrying and you want your brain to quiten down (even if only for 5 minutes), so can you think of anything you can do for five minutes that could consume your concentration?

I don't have your life, but I know what I feel like when I am alone in my house and my partner is gone, and the best thing I can do for myself is to either do some kind of task to pass the time (household cleaning, or something similar) or go and visit someone or call someone. Connecting with other people when it is possible, and when it isn't, it's about making sure I don't fall apart by keeping myself busy. I don't know if that is helpful to you.

I don't want this post to come across as preaching or telling you what to do, but I read it and wanted to respond. I hope you can start climbing out of that hole that is trying to suck you back soon.

 

[PioneerSon]

Sick of Fear...

How your post resonated with me as well. For me it was horrible dreams that left me in a quagmire of triggers. Sometimes we just need to mentally step aside from the rush of all this emotion flying around. I wrote a little something this weekend that might give you a little break from the mental chatter and that heart rate back to normal... it seems to be helping me...

A ONE-MINUTE VACATION FROM PTSD

Picture this...

After climbing for hours, we found ourselves sitting on a ledge, nestled in a mossy cliff, high above the valley floor. We seemed dwarfed by the clear blue skies and the snow topped Rockies. A robin flew by and rested on a rock near us, singing a melodious description of the majesty of nature.

We looked down into the valley below and see the chimney of a cabin in the trees... thin waifs of smoke billow from the fireplace, as suddenly we feel peace. For this moment, in this hour, we are at peace.

The haunting sounds of a distant native flute seems to ride on the warm, Springtime breeze, ever so gently resting on our ears as we close our eyes and soak in the warmth of the sun and the sounds of Spring in the forest.

We breath deeply as we shut out all the challenges, all the unanswered questions and just rest here on our ledge with our friends. Once again we breathe deeply and we know... right here... right now... all is well.

And there you have it...

A One-Minute Vacation From PTSD.

Be well...:)

 

[Sick of Fear]

Beautiful words, lovely advice, and a vacation?! My goodness, I can't thank you two enough! :)

Honestly, tears (good ones) came to my eyes. Compassion truly is the best medicine.
:hug:

 

[Jlso111187]

SickofFear, we already talk through pm but anytime day or night feel free to shoot me a pm. I know I hate feeling like that and having no one to talk to so I will never turn you away.

I understand hating feeling like you could be a better mom. But I know my kids love me for who I am as I am sure your kids love you.

Hope things start turning around.

 

[miamo2011]

Pioneer, thank you, that was indeed a lovely vacation. Encore! :)