Feeling Very Vulnerable Right Now

[FindingMyself88]

I just got home an hour ago from a very intense and deep session with my therapist. Probably our most profound session yet, in two different ways. First we talked about me being parentified by my borderline mother. I always take responsibility for what others do. Therefore I always beat myself up with the "should'ves and the shouldn'ts". She said it is going to take a mindset change to get out of this, but we both agreed that these are one of the biggest hold ups for me in life. We also talked about learning to process my feelings instead of bottling them up which results in anxiety.

Then we choose the next target for emdr and choose one of the several sexual molestations by a family member. Just thinking about this person, seeing him, or anything that reminds me of what happened, I INSTANTLY go into flashback. I feel what he did to me. We were taking it slow so that I didn't dissociate. She asked for my negative belief about myself from the trauma. I originally said "that I should've told my Uncle who was in the next room" (there I go again with the should've!). But then when she asked what is something I would like to believe about myself I said "That it wasn't my fault". This led into some very personal reasons why I blame myself for what happened. Before I knew it I was crying and pretty hard for me. She kept me over and told me to come home, cuddle with Bristol, read, draw, whatever I needed to do to take care of myself.

I am home and I am sitting with Bristol laying against me. I am not dissociative. I feel incredibly vulnerable. I opened up about somethings to my T that I have not said to anyone, not in the detail I did to her. I am trying to process feeling vulnerable, but I feel unsafe to do so. I'm afraid my dad will come in, or if I allow myself, I will just completely break down. I go back Thursday to see my T. We didn't finish the info part of the emdr (questions, feelings, ratings, etc) so we will finish that Thursday.

I'm trying to be accepting of these feelings, but it's really hard.. I feel like a little child again, scared and alone.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: You did amazing work. I know things feel really scary right now to be so vulnerable. You are not alone anymore.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you, I just really don't like this feeling :(. I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, but then again I am terrified of doing so. I am curled up in the corner of my bed against the wall though with Bristol laying asleep in front of me. I'm not panicking though and she is not reacting like she would if I was or if I was dissociating, so maybe that is a good sign. I don't like feeling like a little child again, I can't explain it..

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Again, a bit confused as to this therapists modus operandi since just yesterday you posted about not having good coping skills. I know you want to get to that finish line, but doing everything at once before you have a strong foundation is futile. You may think in your mind that attacking it all at the same time is the best way to go, but it doesn't really work that way.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Solara I didn't say I didn't have any good ones, I am just trying to gather more and learn to use them more. She also wants me to develop some hobbies that I can do that will help with self care. Really the time I self harm is when situations arise (such as my mom acting out). This is why we talked about not trying to take responsibility for my mom's actions. EMDR really helped with the first trauma, I now don't have nightmares revolving around that trauma and am dealing with going places by myself (well and Bristol) a little better. For some people EMDR is not the right course, but for me it seems it is. We take it very slow and take breaks between.

Right now I am only focusing on healing. I am not going to school this semester or working. I don't see how I am doing too much.

I am not feeling like self harming or anything, I am just very uncomfortable with my emotions right now..

 

[Justmehere]

I didn't like it and still don't like it when I feel like a little kid. It's scary. It's because I was helpless and so deeply harmed as a kid.

One thing that helps me is to talk to myself like I would talk to a scared little kid. It's actually one of the most healing things I've done. It's very hard for me to do. I will rind myself that I'm an adult now and my inner kid is scared, but I can protect her now and I have people like my therapist and this forum to help me. It's something I'm still very much working through myself.

If the little kid in you is scared, maybe doing things that help you feel safe might help.

Even if not, this is good sign of progress to be feeling this way. It's part of healing. It won't always feel this way, and I think you know these things but sometimes reminders help me. It is uncomfortable. My heart goes out to you.

 

[greenleaf]

It is very brave, difficult and also a very good thing to be doing for all the parts of yourself -- good for you! Letting yourself feel these emotions will let them transform naturally and you will feel more solid on the other side; you'll have more "parts" of yourself all working together. It is so difficult, though, I am doing little bits of this I think.

Also you are helping a "little kid" feel not alone any more, what a wonderful thing to do! (I think this is true even though the "little kid" is inside us; it was a major change for me to be able to see her as deserving of help, much like a little kid I would see outside myself. I had a weird separation and couldn't do that for a long time.)

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @Justmehere and @greenleaf for the support. I spent most of the day curled up with Bristol. I just kept trying to tell myself that it was okay to feel the way I feel. I just was afraid my mom or dad was going to come in and be like "what is wrong with you?" If I could confine this to my T's office I think I would feel safer..